Reunion Relationships

It finally happened. They found me.  I wasn’t hard to find although I have been missing since I was a little boy.  They knew me when I was ‘in my prime’ or so they say.  I abandoned them once as I transitioned into a different social group.  I was added to their brief email banter just prior to our 20th college reunion.

I am no different than all the rest.  Men don’t do relationships well.  We lack the gene or we are raised within environments that continue to perpetuate the small talk training, distant/missing father figure woundedness that continues the cycle.

Although my dad and I have been through counseling together (shocking, awkward, and painful–really you should try it) and connected in deeper ways (yes, we even hug, at times!), it still amazes me how quickly we fall into small talk going on and on with the safe, meaningless discussions of the weather as if there is any weather to talk about in Southern California.

My freshman roommate had found my email and folded it into the rest of my dormmates email list to reunite just prior to the reunion.  I faded from their lives while I was still in college when I joined a fraternity, and since college, I have faded from my fraternity fellows as well.

Have I learned how to relate.  Not much.  Do any of us?  2 of my closest friends know when my relationship receptors have maxed out.  One of them will even cut our conversation short and say, “I’ll call you later.” (knowing that I have shut down and tuned out).  My other friend asks, “Is the turtle’s head out of his shell today or not.” (funny and sad)

Most men really do live alone.  Yes we are married with kids, co-workers, and a few buddies, but we are still alone with no one to share our fears and hopes.  I can share story after story of men who have told me that they are ‘buddies’ or ‘close friends’ or ‘best friends’ and who are convinced that they know each other well.  But with some deeper sharing time, I find that they don’t REALLY know each other at all.  This is no fault of their own.  It is in our genes and from our environment, our upbringing.  We major in the minors of small talk–sports, weather, politics, etc.

If there is anything that I have learned over 20 years, it is simply that I don’t do relationships well.

About 10 years ago, I took a risk and stepped out with my wife and shared with her my final ‘skeleton’ in my closet of secrets, and our marriage has been transformed from good to truly amazing.

About 7 years ago, I took a risk and stepped out with a friend of mine and shared some of my deepest hopes and fears, and he didn’t laugh or run away, and our relationship is now one of those unique, transformational relationships: you can turn to in time of crisis, tell ALL, and share ALL.

About 5 years ago, I took a risk and slowly developed another transformational relationship with another friend.

About 3 years ago, I went to counseling during a crisis time in my life.  It was awkward, stressful, but important.  I learned a great deal about myself, and how I was ‘trained’ to disconnect, never to show emotions or need to be connected.  But in a time of crisis, I found the importance of my wife and my friends–thank God that I had developed those deep, intimate relationships!  “Emotions are a window to reality.” At least that is what my counselor told me.  I am still working to understand that reality.

Do I know anything about relationships? Not really.  But I am so thankful that I took risks.  My relationships with my wife and my 2 ‘best friends’ continue to grow—far too slow for them–but for the turtle–they are moving at just the right speed.

Regrets? A few. Learnings? Yes. Hopes? That my friends would take risks, do the hard work, lean into their relationships–in the end–it is ALL that matters, and when the going gets tough (as I have learned it WILL), there is nothing like a friend and a wife who are by your side laughing and crying with you.

Advice. Be more vulnerable, take more sharing risks, take the time to develop your marriage (it is HARD work, and easier to go to work for many of us…but it is worth it–this I DO know.) and find a friend who you can relate to and start to do the tough, awkward work to develop a true relationship.

I am not enough!

I am NOT enough! My eyes have FINALLY been open to this reality.  Most of us have this ‘wound’ but we just don’t know it.  I have written a brief summary of my learnings to help us all to learn from our past so that we may grow spiritually and emotionally in the future:

“Drew, can you be 1st base coach?” How hard could that be? The player’s are only 5 years old so all I had to do was point them in the direction of 2nd base, say, “great job!”, and my job was done. Or was it? My dad came up to me afterwards and said, “You know that you could have coached them more.” How many times has your mom or dad told you that you could have done a better job at something? Well at 35 years of age, my dad’s comment went on deaf ears until I mentioned it in passing to my wife. She thought his comment was significant, and comments such as those can have a lasting impact especially when you are young.  When she said this, I shared with her those times when I was young that my dad would critique one of my school projects, and he would insist that I throw it out and start all over.

More recently, I followed my father-in-law’s advice and bought a new barbeque from the exact same store and arranged the details of the delivery just as he instructed me. I proudly mentioned to him that I had left just the right amount of money on top of the old bbq so the delivery man would willingly take it away when he delivered the new bbq. When I showed off my new bbq to my father-in-law, I couldn’t get the propane tank hooked up to the bbq because my new bbq had a different attachment than my old one. My father-in-law said, “Oh, I always have the delivery man make sure and hook up the propane tank to the bbq before they leave to make sure that it works.” Finally, I recently had the pleasure of trying to pass a kidney stone. Not wanting to miss any work, I arranged to have it extracted during my vacation time. In passing, I mentioned to my retired father-in-law that I had only missed 1 day of work in 11 years. He said, “I missed 1 day of work in 30 years.” Have there been times in your life when your mom and dad have ‘zinged’ you (probably not even knowing that they had)?

Our dad’s (sometimes our mom’s) tell us over and over again as we are growing up—You are NOT enough! In so many subtle and not so subtle ways. This is the wound that so many men (and women) carry with them. It creates a fiercely critical spirit, a chip on our shoulders, and abrasive arguments when anyone tries to give us “constructive criticism”. We become our dad. It was only recently that a friend pointed this “I am not enough” wound out to me.  It was life changing to begin to process what it meant, how often I responded to my wife and others because of it, and how to learn and grow from it.

There are many practical ways that knowing about this wound has transformed my life.  In the past when I would write an article, I would immediately ask my wife to proof read the article for me.  When she would quickly use the red marker to slash and destroy what I thought was an almost perfect article, I would respond in a fury.  Now I see that I was only responding to my childhood experiences of not being enough.  My wife now knowing my wound has taken it upon herself to help heal my wound.  When I ask for her to proof read anything that I have written, she will affirm me, put it aside for at least 24 hours, and then she will slash away with her red marker.  It is amazing how quickly I become unattached to my work, and then can handle her critiques and edits much better.

My wife and I have an amazing marriage, but we have our share of arguments.  To my surprise, most of our arguments revolve around my “not enough” wound.  We argue because I feel that she has told me that “I am not enough”.  It can be simply because she told me that I loaded the dishwasher the wrong or that I should drive around the block again so my oldest son will be late to a birthday party because he does better when he is not the only kid there.  Yes, believe it or not this can set me off because I feel she is critiquing my driving and my favorite mantra that being early is one of life’s valuable secrets.

Two things have occurred since my “wound” was discovered.  Our arguments still occur, but they are much shorter and often end in laughter.  A less obvious by-product of my discovery stems from my wife’s repeated comment, “Ok already, I got it.  You are not enough.  When will it stop being about that!”  The wound is now so obvious and so prevelant that we both can laugh about it.  I have been healed enough through the process to laugh and with my wife’s encouragement to even tell myself, ‘Get over it!’

Piercing the veil to our hearts

Patient Satisfaction Linked to Expectations

This article in the September 2009 Annals of Emergency Medicine: Patient Satisfaction as a function of Emergency Department Previsit Expectations points out, once again, the importance of interpersonal skills often can be more important than what you know and what skills you have as a physician.  I am confident this applies to most occupations.

Books such as How to Win Friends and Influence People can help us to be better husbands, friends, parents, and professionals by focusing on interpersonal skills.  I strongly recommend this book.

Medical Myth #6 (example #4): Placebo’s don’t work

The power of the placebo is so incredible and interesting that I have shared many examples from this thought provoking book (Enjoy example #4):
Hippocrates’ Shadow: Secrets from the House of Medicine (David Newman)

“Moerman describes a study in which placebo injections for pain are given to two sets of patients under nearly identical circumstances. In the first, the physician is told that theres no chance that a real narcotic medication will be given. In the second, the physician is told that theres a chance that the patient will receive a narcotic. In both cases the patient receives a placebo, but the placebo is far more effective in relieving pain in the second case, when the physician believes that a narcotic may be in the injection. While the impact is very different in these cases, the only difference is in the physicians beliefs.”

Medical Myth #6 (Example #5): Placebo’s don’t work

This is the 5th and final example of the placebo effect from Hippocrates’ Shadow: Secrets from the House of Medicine (David Newman):

“In 1961 Henry Beecher, a distinguished Harvard professor and researcher of the placebo effect, published a paper comparing sham heart surgeries in two groups of patients from two different studies (the paper discussed only those who had received shams, not the real surgeries).* Using observations of interactions between the physicians and patients Beecher described the surgeons as enthusiasts or skeptics based on their attitude toward the procedure and toward the patients having the procedure. Patients of the enthusiast surgeons achieved nearly four times more complete relief of their chest pain and heart problems than patients of the skeptics….

…The healing is in the psychosocial and biologic contextthe contact, the ceremony, the bond between doctor and patient. The healing is not in the pill or the scalpel any more than the strength to run faster was in the sneaker, or the taste was in the color of the can….

…Medical education, taught primarily by physicians, is a reflection of medical culture. Currently, we dont routinely teach the meaning response. In heart disease and major depression, to name only two, estimations of the effect of placebo pills have shown that theyre proportionally more effective than most real medications.”

Medical Myth #6 (example #3): Placebo’s don’t work

Here is yet another example of the power of the placebo from Hippocrates’ Shadow: Secrets from the House of Medicine (David Newman)

“…Just five months after Dr. Freeds group published their work, a group in Vancouver, Canada, published a study…using a brain imaging technique called positron emission tomography scans, or PET scans, the researchers recorded the production of dopamine from the diseased areas of the brains of Parkinsons patients. While this had been done before, the researchers performed the images on an unusual group: patients from the active treatment and placebo groups of a trial being done to test a new drug for Parkinsons at their medical center. The PET scans showed that patients receiving placebos had visibly and measurably increased dopamine output from the diseased cells. The PET scans had allowed researchers for the first time to see the placebo effect….

Skeptics have argued that these studies dont provide evidence of a true physiologic placebo effect because pain, or even nausea, can be a subjective measurement. But dopamine output in the brain, and endorphins, are not subjective. Physical healing is also not subjective. Just as more pain reduction is seen with two placebo pills than with one, ulcers seen by endoscopy in the lining of the stomach or intestine heal more quickly when a patient is given two placebo pills rather than one. Real medicine reduces high blood pressure, but an inert pill does so as well, albeit somewhat less effectively. Real medications for asthma dilate the lung passages, making it easier to breathe; but if you tell an asthma patient that hes going to receive a medication that will dilate his lung passages, and then give him an inhaled placebo, his lung passages dilate. The patterns of placebo response are virtually identical to the patterns seen when using an effective pill.”

Medical Myth #6 (example #2): Placebo’s don’t work

Here is our 2nd example from the medical literature regarding the power of the human mind to generate healing by placebo. Enjoy and share your thoughts with us.
Hippocrates’ Shadow: Secrets from the House of Medicine (David Newman):

“In the late 1930s, cardiac surgeons developed an innovative procedure to help those suffering from repeated chest pains due to severely blocked coronary arteries. The surgery consisted of making two incisions in the chest wall to tie off two unnecessary arteries that supply blood to the inside walls of the chest. Theoretically this could shunt extra blood flow back to the heart, thereby increasing flow through the hearts arteries and reducing chest pain. Initial reports indicated it was highly effective, and case studies showed success rates of up to 75 percent. For the next two decades the surgery became common, until the late 1950s, when two researchers studied the procedure separately and found strikingly similar results. The studies compared the surgery to a sham (placebo) procedure in which two incisions were made in the chest wall and then sutured without tying off the internal arteries. The studies showed the real surgery to be as successful as surgeons had believed. In the true surgery groups, 67 percent of patients showed major reductions in pain and in the need for medicine, and major improvements in the ability to exercise without serious chest pain. But the sham surgery was an even bigger hit: in the sham group 83 percent of patients showed the same improvements.”

Medical Myth #6 (example #1): Placebo’s don’t really work

Medical Myth #6 is the notion that placebo’s don’t work.  The fact is that they work incredibly well, and we all should embrace them as a legitimate means of healing.  Here is our first incredible example—
Hippocrates’ Shadow: Secrets from the House of Medicine (David Newman):
“In 2002 an unusual study from Houstons VA Medical Center was published. It was a study about surgery for osteoarthritis of the knee, a condition that causes pain and disability due to thinning and breakdown of cartilage (the padding) in the joint. Patients occasionally have surgery to shave off the rough edges of the cartilage, or sometimes to wash out the knee joint. There were three groups of patients in the VA study: one group got the cartilage in their knees shaved, another group got their knees washed out, and one got an elaborate act. When the patient arrived in the operating room he was given anesthetic and the surgeon was then handed a sealed envelope telling him which surgery to perform. If the card inside the envelope said placebo, three incisions were made in the skin but nothing surgical was done to the knee joint. In case the patient was able to subconsciously hear or feel, water was splashed to simulate the sounds of the surgical procedure. In addition, the patient was kept in the operating room for the length of an actual surgery, during which the surgeon asked for all instruments and manipulated the knee as if surgery was being done. The operating room staff was sworn to secrecy, and outside the operating room no one was told which surgery the patient had undergone. The study results were shocking to many, including the orthopedic physicians who perform knee surgeries every day: the two real surgeries had been no more effective than the sham surgery. In retrospect, perhaps this should not have been surprising. Osteoarthritis is due to thinning of the knee cartilage, and there never was a good or even very feasible argument for why either of the treatments, shaving or washing, should work; after all, neither cures or reverses the thinning. But what is surprising even in retrospect is that all of the groups showed significant improvement in knee pain and function. In an article about the study and a closely related smaller study by the same researchers, one gentleman who had been enrolled told an interviewer that he was now able to mow his lawn and walk wherever he wanted, and added, The surgery was two years ago and the knee has never bothered me since. Its just like my other knee now.  He was in the placebo surgery group.”

Judge NOT & love and understand as Jesus would (Matthew 7:1)

As I write this I am STILL recovering from the tongue lashing that I got from a patients wife yesterday.  We were having a congenial discussion about her spouse (the patient), and as I prepared to write orders and discuss the possible diagnoses, she went OFF.  I mentioned that his chronic abdominal cramps may, in the end (IF all the tests continue to come back negative) be entirely from stress.  Well she did NOT like that option at ALL.  “Don’t tell me it is stress! It is NOT stress! I KNOW it is not stress.  There is something wrong with him. That is what the other doctors said….”  She proceeded to sware at me for a good solid 2 minutes which seemed like a lifetime.  I was so frustrated and mad! I just finished a great book on how to be a better doctor, and I continue to try and improve my doctor skills.  In the book that I had just read, the author spoke about what a disservice doctors have done by just ordering more and more tests without getting at the heart of the matter and just talking with the patient.  It is SO frustrating to try to spend the time and show compassion and try and educate the patient to get spit in the face for it.  When you see over and over again that the patient is NOT interested in hearing what you have to say then you become hardened and numb and just give them what they want even if it is not necessary or the best treatment option!

After this very stressful situation, I found from the patients primary doctor that his wife has ‘gone off’ on him many times in the past, but that she is a professing Christian.  Now I was even more frustrated and angry.  I SO wanted to go back in to tell her how angry I am at her behavior.  How dare she act like that and claim to worship my precious Savior.

Now this is where the healing, the importance of fellowship, and the lessons were learned comes in.  I talked it over with one of my colleagues who is a believer.  And he challenged me to not judge her in that way.  OUCH!

He said: 1. just think how tough she would be without Christ and most importantly 2. you have never acted that way??? really never??? we are ALL like this at some time in our lives.  You MUST consider HER situation.  She is frustrated; she is scared; she has been dealing with this without any answers for months….WOW!

Now a day later, I see that God was teaching me a powerful review lesson on forgiveness, understanding, judgment, compassion, love, AND that I MUST continue to strive to love and go against the grain–and communicate with my patients with MORE compassion and understanding!

Imagine: Using our Minds and Imaginations to Grow Closer to God Part 2

Enjoy sermon #6 in the Animate Series by Greg Boyd

Here is an excellent book that helps with prayer life and using imaginitive exercises to grow closer to God:

Animate Sermon Series by Boyd (This is the link to notes on the Series)

Celebration of Disciplines by Foster (This is an AMAZING book on spiritual disciplines.  It is filled with GREAT quotes from Christian disciples and with practical ways to grow deeper with Christ.  It is a How To on prayer, Bible study, fasting, etc.  Below is an excerpt from the book.)

mediation exercise: “The following is a brief exercise to aid you in “re-collection” that is simply called “palms down, palms up.” Begin by placing your palms down as a symbolic indication of your desire to turn over any concerns you may have to God. Inwardly you may pray, “Lord, I give to you my anger toward John. I release my fear of my dentist appointment this morning. I surrender my anxiety over not having enough money to pay the bills this month. I release my frustration over trying to find a baby-sitter for tonight.” Whatever it is that weighs on your mind or is a concern to you, just say, “palms down.” Release it. You may even feel a certain sense of release in your hands. After several moments of surrender, turn your palms up as a symbol of your desire to receive from the Lord. Perhaps you will pray silently: “Lord, I would like to receive your divine love for John, your peace about the dentist appointment, your patience, your joy.” Whatever you need, you say, “palms up.” Having centered down, spend the remaining moments in complete silence. Do not ask for anything. Allow the Lord to commune with you, to love you.”-Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster

Finally I end with a quote from Francisco whose devotion, passion, and focused imagery inspires and transforms our often lifeless faith.  Try starting your day with Jesus WAITING for YOU to take each day as a unique adventure!

“When I wake up every morning, Jesus is waiting for me.”-Francisco

Imagine: Using our Minds & Imaginations to grow closer to God Part 1

I have placed 1 of the 8 sermon series on this post because it is so important for Christians in the U.S. to come back to the early church practices of prayer, meditation, and using ALL of our sense and especially using our imagination/minds.

As a western physician, my brain is entirely left without a right.  The use of imagery in prayer and in our walk with Him could transform our faith if we took the time to practice these exercises.

As a former atheist, I am quick  to put distance between myself and God when life is going smoothly and to be filled with doubt when life is going rough.  These sermons inspire and challenge all of us to use our minds/imaginations to grow closer to Him.

Animate Sermon Series by Boyd (This is the link to notes on the Series)

As always share with us your thoughts.

Medical Myth #2: Antibiotics & Bronchitis

I can’t tell you how many patients that I have seen that have had cold and cough symptoms for 1-3 days and come to see me for antibiotics. They rarely seem satisfied when I try and educate them that they have a viral upper respiratory tract infection that must run its course and that antibiotics won’t help and may make matters worse.

“Many studies and large reviews have compared antibiotics to placebos for acute bronchitis and concluded that antibiotics are unnecessary and offer no significant benefit. In addition, antibiotics have a significant downside: they produce common side effects such as diarrhea, allergic reactions, rashes, and yeast infections, as well as rarer side effects such as fatal or nearly fatal allergic reactions, liver problems, and severe skin reactions. Their extremely frequent administration has also bred an ongoing international crisis of antibiotic resistance. This means that in the aggregate, antibiotics are harmful both in the short and in the long term (when there’s well-documented risk and little-to-no benefit, the risk/benefit ratio is an easy calculation-it equals harm).”-Hippocrates’ Shadow

“People often visit their physician between roughly three and seven days from the beginning of their symptoms, and the average viral illness lasts approximately seven to ten days. In most cases, then, the illness is about to abate regardless of whether or not antibiotics are taken. But patient belief in the power of antibiotics is reinforced by the coincidence of their feeling better just days, or even hours, after the first antibiotic dose.”-Hippocrates’ Shadow

“There are roughly twenty-four thousand life-threatening allergic reactions each year from the unnecessary antibiotics. Giving antibiotics for viral disease is essentially a large-scale game of Russian roulette, and there are thousands of losers.”-Hippocrates’ Shadow

Death is NOT Dying: Rachel Barkey’s Wisdom

Rachel Barkey may be on the other side of heaven already for all I know.  But her words are eternal.  She shares her thoughts on dying and truly living in this video (I added the audio for you to download or listen via uberlumen podcast on itunes).

She makes 4 points:

  • Know God
  • Know yourself
  • Know the Gospel
  • Know your purpose

Her video

Her book list

Men’s Group: Fellowship from Calvary Road, May 13, 2009

The progression of the chapters in Calvary Road is significant.  We started with brokenness, then went to confession/cleaning our lives (cups) up so we can fill them with the Holy Spirit, and now we turn to fellowship.

Years ago I kept secrets from my wife, and one day I finally ‘confessed’ and ‘cleaned’ out ALL the skeletons in my closet (cup).  It was a scary, crazy, and bold move that kept us up talking until 3am.  I was scared of her not forgiving me and not understanding me.  She did both.

Shortly after my cup was clean 2 things happened.  My marriage went from great to amazing.  The comfort in KNOWING that there was nothing to hide freed us up to have a depth and peace and intimacy that I would have never dreamed of.  

The second thing that happened is that I learned to share my dirty cup with other men.  I found several men who were willing and that I felt save enough with to share my deepest fears and struggles.  I talk and meet with these men weekly.  This has transformed my relationship with my wife, with Christ, and with everyone around me.  A very large weight has been lifted from my soul, and I have a place to run and hide when things get overwhelming.

Hession in chapter 3-The Way of Fellowship outlines the importance of fellowship in shaping our lives and our relationships with our spouses, our friends, and our God.

Through the years, I have continued to try and coach and encourage other men to ‘date’ each other.  There is a richness to life that is sorely lacking without this process.  But it takes men SO LONG and most NEVER are able or willing to get there.  

The only way to do it is by finding a guy that you feel comfortable with and you take a few baby steps by sharing some private struggles or sins.  See how they respond, If they respond in kind and with understanding then dig deeper and continue to share more.  As you trust more and learn to share more, you will find that your marriage is better, your walk with Christ is deeper, and your life is richer.

Any questions?

Calvary Road, Chapter 3, Fellowship quotes:

But if we have not been brought into vital fellowship with our brother, it is a proof that to that extent we have not been brought into vital fellowship with God
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Sin always involves us in being unreal, pretending, duplicity, window dressing, excusing ourselves and blaming others–and we can do all that as much by our silence as by saying or doing something.
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The only basis for real fellowship with God and man is to live out in the open with both.
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Spurgeon defines it in one of his sermons as “the willingness to know and be known.”
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We must be willing not only to know, but to be known by him for what we really are. That means we are not going to hide our inner selves from those with whom we ought to be in fellowship; we are not going to window dress and put on appearances; nor are we going to whitewash and excuse ourselves. We are going to be honest about ourselves with them. We are willing to give up our spiritual privacy, pocket our pride and risk our reputations for the sake of being open and transparent with our brethren in Christ.
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We have not necessarily got to tell everybody everything about ourselves. The fundamental thing is our attitude of walking in the light, rather than the act. Are we willing to be in the open with our brother–and be so in word when God tells us to?
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When the barriers are down and the masks are off, God has a chance of making us really one. But there is also the added joy of knowing that in such a fellowship we are “safe.”
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Jesus wants you to begin walking in the light with Him in a new way today. Join with one other–your Christian friend, the person you live with, your wife, your husband. Drop the mask.

In the beginning was the Word…

John wrote these profound words to start his gospel.  Do words have power? Do words have more importance than we realize?  John was clearly stating to his audience that Jesus was God and that He was the Word which in Greek is logos (where we get the word logic in English).

I have come across something very interesting and if true, very powerful.  If this is true and accurate, it implies that the very fabric of the universe is ‘powered’ by the Word.

There is a man who has played music and taped words written on paper to glasses of water and then photographed the water molecules (scroll down on this website to read an interview of him).  The water molecules seem to change after being ‘spoken’ to.  What is the skeptics response to this? Please share with us if you have any thoughts.

“After seeing water react to different environmental conditions, pollution and music, Mr. Emoto and colleagues decided to see how thoughts and words affected the formation of untreated, distilled, water crystals, using words typed onto paper by a word processor and taped on glass bottles overnight. The same procedure was performed using the names of deceased persons. The waters were then frozen and photographed.”

Before and After Prayer

Love'you make me sick'

The image on the left is from the word: LOVE on the water glass.  The image on the right is from the words: ‘you make me sick’ on the water glass….hmmm……

The Human Whisperer

http://www.stanfordalumni.org/news/magazine/2009/janfeb/features/verghese.html

The Human Whisperer

Whether practicing medicine or literature, Abraham Verghese teaches how to pay full attention at a patient’s bedside.

BY SUSAN COHEN
PHOTOGRAPHY BY MICHAEL SUGRUE

IT TAKES ABRAHAM VERGHESEonly a few minutes to stroll from his public office to his secret one. His main office in the department of medicine contains the medical handbooks, the imposing desk, the ready assistant who copes with the physician’s complicated schedule. His secret office bears someone else’s name outside. It’s only slightly more personal than a motel room, a space devoted to nothing but writing. He jokes that he’ll be forced to eliminate anyone who uncovers its location.

Stanford promised Verghese the dual offices and two days a week to write when it hired him last year as senior associate chair for the theory and practice of medicine and put him in charge of training third- and fourth-year students as they rotate through internal medicine. It was, department of medicine chair Ralph Horwitz readily acknowledges, an unusual tenured appointment for an institution that typically evaluates a paper trail of research grants and publications to hire or promote. Verghese’s paper trail included, instead, a long list of essays, short stories and two much-praised memoirs, one of which was made into a movie starring Naveen Andrews of Lost.

Verghese’s summary of research interests remains blank on his faculty web page.

His list of publications, on the other hand, continues to grow. The newest is an epic novel, set over five decades in Ethiopia and America; Cutting for Stone will be published by Knopf on February 6.

Even more unusual than these literary accomplishments are the personal history Verghese brings to Stanford, and the ways it has led him to practice and teach medicine. Modern medicine can be high-tech, research-oriented, data-driven and time-crunched in ways that are alienating to both patient and physician. Examining a patient can come as an afterthought, neglected in the onslaught of laboratory test results, medical scans, numbers on the computer screen. These days, as Verghese puts it, “If you’re missing a finger, you have to get an X-ray to be believed.”

‘To him the physical exam is a beautiful and worthwhile art that benefits both patient and doctor.’

He is a link to an older healing tradition: devoted to medicine not just as science, but as calling and craft. Verghese doesn’t neglect modern laboratory tests; he’s board-certified in three specialties—internal medicine, pulmonary medicine and infectious diseases. But he loves nothing more than teaching students who are focused on the image of an organ on a piece of film to also look at the person in the hospital bed. And not just look, but touch, listen, even smell, with a writer’s attention to detail and a physician’s intention to discover the story of someone’s suffering.

“I loved introducing medical students to the thrill of the examination of the human body, guiding their hands to feel a liver, to percuss the stony dull note of fluid that had accumulated in the lung, to be with them when their eyes shone the first time they heard ‘tubular’ breathing . . . and thereby diagnosed pneumonia,” Verghese has written. To him, the physical exam is a beautiful and worthwhile art that benefits both patient and doctor.

Horwitz recruited Verghese after being struck by the power of his commitment to patients and bedside medicine “at a time when technology is so seductive.” The first time he heard Verghese speak, he watched this man with the soft voice electrify a boisterous audience of medical students who grew quieter and quieter so that they would not miss a word. Horwitz found in Verghese a scholar and master clinician who represents medicine’s “most enabling and enduring values.” There’s no irony in his voice when Horwitz insists that Verghese is “cutting edge” precisely because “he promotes bedside medicine and its meaning to both patients and practitioners.”

“Stanford needs that,” Horwitz argues, so that with all its emphasis on science and technology “we don’t lose sight of the value and meaning of that science and technology.”

ABRAHAM VERGHESE DESCRIBES HIMSELF as a perennial outsider. His parents were teachers from a Christian region of India, who raised him in Ethiopia. The expatriate life in Africa made him an acute observer of cultures and a seeker of connections. He believes that doctors are often wounded people attracted to medicine in an attempt to heal themselves, people who’ve sought “a way to be in this world” from the margins, and that literature, too, is a way to connect with the human condition. As a boy, he was drawn to both these passions by the stories of doctor-turned-writer Somerset Maugham.

Verghese, 53, began his medical education in Ethiopia, but fled in 1973 as civil unrest turned the country against both intellectuals and foreigners. He had witnessed so much brutality that when he reached New Jersey, where his parents and younger brother had settled a few years before, his only remaining life’s ambition was safety. He worked as a hospital orderly and assumed he’d live a blue-collar life.

One night, while working, Verghese found a copy of Harrison’s Principles of Internal Medicine on a table where a med student had left it. The book revived his calling. With the help of an aunt, he finished medical school in India, which took him in as a displaced person.

Medical training in Madras was “intense at the bedside every day,” Verghese recalls. “I loved it. Those Indian teachers were incredibly skilled. They’d identify all these diseases you’d never find in Western textbooks.” He watched them almost with a sense he was witnessing “wizardry.” He admired not just their ability to diagnose, but also the way they dealt with patients, “the gentleness of the way they taught us” and the love for medicine they conveyed. Many of the physical signs he was taught to notice at the bedside were named after great doctors of the past. His teachers were passing along a grand tradition, and he found himself “not wanting to break the chain.”

When it came time to do his residency, Verghese chose a newly fledged program in internal medicine at East Tennessee State University in the foothills of the Smoky Mountains. He chose internal medicine partly because he saw that foreign-trained students who wanted to be surgeons were recruited to the poorest American hospitals, worked around the clock, and rarely were promoted afterward by the top-ranked medical centers, places the students jokingly called “Mecca.”

Johnson City and the rural towns and hollers around it were a long way from any medical Mecca, but they turned out to be the opportunity of a lifetime for Verghese as both doctor and writer. People grew to depend on this foreign doctor with the brown face, slightly British diction and unplaceable accent. After a two-year fellowship in infectious diseases at Boston University, where he tried and disliked laboratory research, Verghese returned to Tennessee and joined the faculty, choosing to focus on caring for patients and teaching.

THAT’S WHERE HE FOUND HIMSELF in 1985, when young gay men began to return to their small towns and families to die. The HIV/AIDS clinic Verghese established saw more than 80 patients in five years, by which time Verghese felt burned out. It had been humbling. He’d been forced to give up what he called the physician’s “conceit of cure.” But though no one had a cure for the new disease, Verghese had found a lot to offer in the way of care—so much that he had little time to spare for his own family, which by then included a wife and two young sons, Jacob and Steven. He filled journals with his observations and his thoughts, and the details of his patients’ stories, in an attempt to learn as much about himself as about them. He thought he’d prepared himself for so much death. He hadn’t.

In a bold move, Verghese gave up his tenured position in Tennessee to attend the famous Writer’s Workshop at the University of Iowa. He realized later how hard that was on his family. “It was very selfish on my part. To me, it felt like survival.” A year and a half of intensive writing later, money running out, Verghese turned down several traditional academic positions that would have required him to chase grants and publish research papers. He took a clinical position instead—as professor of medicine and chief of infectious diseases at Texas Tech Health Sciences Center in El Paso. “I really liked the sense of being on the edge of America,” he explains. It was a “first world hospital—just barely—taking care of third world disease.” Without the pressure to do research, he wrote fiction.

After the New Yorker ran a short story based on his experiences in Tennessee, Verghese was offered a contract to write a memoir—one of the earliest books by a doctor working from the AIDS front line. He’d never considered writing nonfiction, but My Own Country: A Doctor’s Story of a Town and Its People in the Age of AIDS was a finalist for the National Book Critics Circle Award in 1994. Director Mira Nair filmed it for Showtime TV. My Own Country was, another physician comments, “a really brave book.” His second was even braver. The Tennis Partner: A Doctor’s Story of Friendship and Loss, in 1998, described his bond with a medical resident in El Paso who died of drug addiction. The heavily autobiographical book interwove many themes: his passion for tennis, the failure of his first marriage, his enduring love of medicine in spite of the isolating effect it can have on its practitioners.

He attributes some blame for the appalling levels of suicide and drug abuse among doctors to this isolation. “Medicine is so beautiful, and yet it has its seamy underbelly,” Verghese says. “Most of us in medicine end up being far better doctors than fathers or husbands.” Although it’s his compassion—as well as his vivid and often lyrical writing—that wins praise, Verghese thinks what draws medical students to his work is that he exposes himself as a flawed human being rather than an all-knowing physician.

  

BOY AND MAN: Verghese at the center of a school photo in Ethiopia, and with actor Naveen Andrews, who played him in the 1998 TV movie My Own Country.
Courtesy Abraham Verghese (2)

Verghese believes in the curative power of literature for physicians. Writing is a way to explore what they see every day and can’t share. Reading is a way for students to revive the empathy that gets lost in the process of medical training. Modern training “takes lovely people and converts them into bottom-line, somewhat cynical, disease-oriented people,” Verghese insists. “We teach them to convert into our language, which we need for diagnosis. We rob the story of everything human about it.” After a while: “Imagining suffering is a struggle. The danger is we begin to talk about the diabetic in bed three.” Literature, on the other hand, is full of suffering. He likes to teach his students Chekhov, and is apt to recite a poem off the top of his head by William Carlos Williams—two other writer/physicians.

Six years ago, Verghese created the Center for Medical Humanities & Ethics at the University of Texas Health Science Center in San Antonio, one of an increasing number of programs—like Stanford’s arts, humanities and medicine program—that encourage medical students to explore the arts. He also worked on Cutting for Stone. The novel’s title plays on a phrase in the Hippocratic oath and the name of a central character, Thomas Stone. Stone is a surgeon who’s missing from much of the narrative, just as he’s missing from his twin sons’ lives: a symbol of the wounded doctor who distances himself from people even as his hands render miracles on the operating table. Much of the rich, sprawling story is set in Ethiopia at a mission hospital that the locals call Missing. It’s an ambitious book filled with characters who, in their different ways, reveal Verghese’s view of what medicine does best and worst. Some of its most powerful scenes occur at a decrepit hospital in the Bronx where a newly arrived foreign medical student assumes the helicopter pad on the roof represents the richly endowed American medicine he so envied from afar. But the landing pad exists so doctors from an elite medical center can touch down just long enough to harvest organs for transplant from the trauma patients who flood the inner-city emergency room.

Though Verghese is ambitious for his writing, medicine remains its source. “I’d love to practice medicine until my last day,” he says. There are other physicians who combine the two, of course: surgeons Atul Gawande, ’87, and Richard Selzer, and pediatrician Perri Klass. But there are more of those like novelist Ethan Canin, ’82, a Harvard Medical School graduate who found he had to choose. Canin, a friend who has been familiar with Verghese’s writings for years, says: “I’ve always been amazed at his ambition and attainment in both. Plenty of people are ambitious in both, but few—if any—have attained such distinction in the two fields at once.”

When Verghese received Stanford’s offer to return to teaching at the bedside, an offer that included time to write, plus tenure, it struck him that Stanford valued his books and essays as highly as research. The realization was “precious.”

ON A DAY IN AUGUST, as he walked down a corridor at Stanford’s medical center, Verghese gestured to a glass wall that looks onto a wildly colorful garden, a glorious riot of flowering plants that achieve their profusion with massive—and expensive—tending. “Mecca,” he laughed. As though he had to pinch himself.

Verghese wants Stanford students to see medicine as a historic calling the way he does. He wants them to see a patient not as a diseased liver or a spleen, but as a man or woman in a bad situation. Young doctors may be brilliant at analyzing tests, but he finds many “incompetent” at diagnosing and treating at the bedside. Verghese also wants students to understand that there’s a “huge therapeutic effect” in offering someone hopeful words. Especially, and only if true, the words: “I think you will get better.”

What Verghese seems to have tapped into, even in the scant year he’s been here, is a hunger not just from patients for doctors with a human touch, but also from doctors for the kind of satisfaction many no longer get from medicine. Verghese, who lives with his wife, Sylvia, and their 11-year-old son, Tristan, hosted a speaker’s evening with an expert on evidence-based physical diagnosis. A medical resident grew so enthusiastic about learning more on how various skin conditions might help her diagnose patients that she blurted: “We get to be doctors! Not just order tests!”

Lisa Shieh, an assistant professor who specializes in internal medicine and in-patient care, says she’s found a mentor in Verghese. After hearing him speak, she invited him to instruct second-year students how to take a history and conduct a physical exam. She also followed him on rounds like a student, to see how he interacted with patients and taught. “There’s just so much data now in medicine, and keeping that straight is very challenging. Sometimes with all the technology, the physical exam takes a back seat.”

Verghese is organizing a major conference on bedside medicine that will take place at Stanford next September. Department chair Horwitz sounds like a proud parent when he talks about his successful recruit: “I now live in the shadow of Abraham!” He notes that, instead of the eight or nine graduating students who typically choose a career in internal medicine over other specialties, this year 21 students out of 90 made that choice.

ONE TUESDAY as Verghese led students on weekly rounds, they entered a hospital room where an elderly woman lay moaning, her eyes closed, her mouth open. Her husband, wearing a blue baseball cap and an exhausted look, sat in a chair at the foot of her bed, eyes fixed on her face for any signs she might respond.

“Come closer, she won’t bite,” Verghese called to his students, who hung back by the door while he greeted the man in the cap. “He won’t bite either.”

Verghese examined the patient, ending by lifting her arms and noting the very different rate at which her hands drifted down the sheets. At the small hospital where she’d first been hospitalized, a central venous catheter had been placed in the course of treating her for a possible infection. In transferring her to Stanford, there had been talk of an exotic diagnosis. But Verghese’s exam suggested she had suffered a stroke. When questioned, her husband recalled that she had become confused on the afternoon when the catheter was inserted. Verghese postulated that event had triggered a “cascade of catastrophes”: a drop in pressure, along with her history of irregular heart rhythms, had caused a clot to break loose and disrupt blood flow to the brain.

Verghese explained his concern to the husband in understandable terms, and said that he hoped to have more news later after getting the results of a brain scan. He asked where the family was staying and whether they were comfortable.

In another room, a white-haired woman with pneumonia eyed the gaggle of students, interns and residents with bright-eyed good humor, even as her grown daughter immediately launched into a litany of complaints about the room and the hospital care. Verghese took these complaints for what they were: a caring daughter’s anxiety over her mother’s illness. He moved right up to his patient, put his hand on her thin wrist, percussed her back and listened to her chest with his stethoscope. He left his hand lightly resting on her arm. “There’s something very comforting about the human hand. That’s very nice,” the patient commented.

‘Modern training “takes lovely people and converts them into bottom-line, somewhat cynical, disease-oriented people”’

Verghese smiled. “I’m trying to teach them that,” he said, and turned to his students: “I always take a patient’s hand and then pulse.” He told the ill woman that she looked as if she’d been getting plenty of fluids.

“Oh, good,” she said, laughing, “keep me up!” She raised her arms to indicate he’d lifted her spirits. Her daughter continued to ask questions, but seemed more relaxed. Before leaving, Verghese told the woman in the bed not only that he’d like to send her home, but that she was lucky to have a daughter who took such good care of her.

Before rounds ended, the students gathered around Verghese in the hall and talked about a patient who seemed better but whose CT scan looked worrisome. Verghese reassured them that in this case they could trust their observations. He praised a nurse who stopped to ask about a patient. “That was good nursing care,” he said. “We appreciate that care.” He singled out an intern who’d received a compliment from a patient for smiling and being helpful in the emergency room the night before.

The students trooped after Verghese to radiology to look at the brain scans of the nonresponsive woman they saw earlier. Sure enough, the radiologist pointed out evidence of small bleeds in her brain.

When Verghese and one resident returned to give the husband this news, the man in the blue baseball cap was exactly where they’d left him, at the foot of his wife’s bed and staring at her face. Verghese explained that the MRI seemed to confirm his suspicion that she had suffered a series of small strokes. He would ask the neurologists for some help, Verghese said, but he thought there was a chance the man’s wife would gain back a good part of her function. “One day at a time,” he told the husband, who clung to each word as hard as he was grabbing onto Verghese’s hand. Each day would bring a little more information. Verghese took time to thank the man for describing how his wife became unresponsive, and said the information had played an important role in leading them to their diagnosis. In a way, Verghese had welcomed the husband to the team, and invited him to be part of her healing, even while delivering bad news.

On the walk back to his office—the official one at the department of medicine—Verghese once more expressed his amazement at where he, the perennial outsider, had landed. Directly in Mecca. The trade-off he made decades ago, to spend whatever time he didn’t spend at the bedside writing, brought him here. A career trajectory no one could dream, let alone plan.

At Stanford, Verghese started out feeling as if he didn’t fit in, even though he found everyone extremely welcoming. But then he walked out into the hospital and led his first rounds. He felt immediately at home at patients’ bedsides. That was the evening Verghese told his wife: not only did he feel comfortable at Stanford, he knew he had something to offer.

How can we improve the Emergency Room Experience

This is a VERY informative interview by a patient who came into an emergency room with chest pain.  We as care givers have a lot to learn.

  • TELL our patients what we are doing; what are the tests we are doing for?
  • UPDATE our patients periodically with results
  • SEND them home with what we think they might have wrong and what we think they don’t have wrong
  • DON’T take so long to discharge our patients….WAITING time is always stressful and agrevating to our patients
  • LISTEN to our patients carefully and make sure that they can’t LISTEN in to our casual conversations