I was reminded of some powerful marriage tips and principles from one of John Gottman’s great marriage books when Gottman’s research was brought up in Blink by Malcolm Gladwell.
Gladwell points out that Gottman has done detailed, objective research to find traits that can sink any marriage. The primary trait that will ruin a marriage? CONTEMPT.
“Four Horsemen: defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, and contempt. Even within the Four Horsemen, in fact, there is one emotion that he considers the most important of all: contempt. If Gottman observes one or both partners in a marriage showing contempt toward the other, he considers it the single most important sign that the marriage is in trouble.
“It’s trying to put that person on a lower plane than you. It’s hierarchical.” Gottman has found, in fact, that the presence of contempt in a marriage can even predict such things as how many colds a husband or a wife gets; in other words, having someone you love express contempt toward you is so stressful that it begins to affect the functioning of your immune system. “Contempt is closely related to disgust, and what disgust and contempt are about is completely rejecting and excluding someone from the community.”
“The big gender difference with negative emotions is that women are more critical, and men are more likely to stonewall. We find that women start talking about a problem, the men get irritated and turn away, and the women get more critical, and it becomes a circle. But there isn’t any gender difference when it comes to contempt. Not at all.” Contempt is special. If you can measure contempt, then all of a sudden you don’t need to know every detail of the couple’s relationship.”–excerpt from Gladwell’s book
My marriage was in trouble, and I didn’t even know it. I specialized in contempt. It has been a slow process, and my wife remembers when I was filled with contempt, but we both look back amazed at how contempt has been eliminated from our marriage for many years now. How?
- HUMILITY through serving her, putting her ahead of yourself, learning to love her the way that she needs to be loved
- BROKENNESS–being willing to acknowledge your own faults and inadequacies helps to break the contempt cycle
- CONFESSION–share with her your brokenness, be volunerable with her, allow her to see the real you–flaws and all.
- working at making our marriage better
- being WILLING to change and serve your spouse
- dating other men–deep, meaningful relationships with a few men has helped me to be a better husband (and person)
- spending time in the appreciation room (see Love Dare book for details)–leaning and training myself to look at and appreciate her for all her beauty and for who she is–being grateful for her.
- walking with Christ–prayer, Bible study, learning more and more about His love, humility, service, sacrifice
There is more to follow….
Marriage is an adventure and a journey not a destination, and just like when you said I do to her and to Christ, it is just the beginning–the relationship (sanctification) is the adventure.