Tag Archives: intimacy

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Intimate, Eternal Marriage

I just heard of yet another divorce at work that unraveled by infidelity.  Marriage is tough, but the studies support that if you are in trouble, the worst thing to do is divorce.  Those couples who divorce are individually statistically doomed for loneliness, depression, anxiety, etc.  The marriages on the rocks that decide to make a run at staying together often do, and these married couples when asked 5 years down the line if they are happy usually say yes.  And they are very happy that they stuck it out.

What does an intimate, eternal, beautiful marriage look like?  How is it done?

A friend of mine’s wife wrote him a special praise message on her breast cancer blog, and it is a beautiful example of love for a lifetime and beyond.

“This entry is dedicated to my wonderful husband… In the words of my mom this past week ” Te ganaste la loteria con este hombre!” translation– ” You have won the lottery with this man” Not only did he sleep in the hospital with me both nights, waking up every hr and a half when the nurses came in to check on me, he came up with my medication schedule ( which I still don’t understand) , makes sure I’m taking them as directed, brought a little picnic table in our master bedroom so we can still eat as a family since I was bedridden for several days, he wakes the kids and gets them breakfast and ready for school everyday, drives them to school, missed his mens bible study because our daughter wanted to walk to school on “Walk to school day”, works from home because I asked him to, answers the phone for me, still works his insane hrs, helps get the kids ready for bed, took our daughter to the drs for a strange bump behind her ear, only to find out she had a fever, has been taking care of our daughter and her medication schedule for the last 3 1/2 days because I can’t risk getting whatever she has, slept in her room to get her whatever she needed throughout 2 nights and coached our son’s 3 flag football games today! Oh, and he had to bathe me twice because I couldn’t lift my arms! The guy is exhausted! I gave him 2 Tylenol pm’s, sent him to sleep alone in the office and pray he gets a full night’s sleep! He has been my knight in shining armor and I love him to death! God has blessed me with this amazing man!”

YES!

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Sex & Intimacy Class

My bride and I are teaching the pre-married class at Mariners again on the topic that we have been teaching on for years: Sex & Intimacy in Marriage.

All couples are welcome to join us.  It is very interactive and a fun topic to talk about.

When: 9:30am-11:30am, Saturday, October 31, 2009

Where: Live Development Building, Room 205, Mariners Church in Irvine

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Men’s Group: Why show up? What is in it for me? The storms will come.

We had a football quiz to kick off our fall series: Quiet Strength by Tony Dungy (The Bible Study), and then we spent some time talking.  Mostly small talk….but we also spoke of the importance of being in a men’s group.  Do you ever wonder why? Do you worry about not fitting in? Do you have ‘better’ things to do with your time?  I don’t blame you.  I understand.  I had those thoughts myself, but I took a risk and started to show up and my life has never been the same.  The men in my life have rescued me.

We discussed Matthew 14:22-33.  Jesus calms the storm.  75% or more of men in America don’t have a friend that they can turn to in a ‘storm’.  I am reminded of 2 men who shared with me that they knew each other very well and were close friends, but when we started going deep under the surface, it became clear very quickly that they didn’t truly ‘know’ each other much at all.  This is the norm.  We walk through life completely alone with the facade of knowing each other.

10 years ago, I jumped out of the boat by sharing with a friend one of my deeply held ‘secrets’, and little by little we continued to grow closer and closer knowing everything about each other, our past, present, and future struggles, fears, and dreams.  I have never felt so free, peace filled, and truly alive knowing that there is someone that I can turn to with ALL my fears.

Then the storms came….and I had a friend who was there with me when I was drowning, suffocating, and had no where else to go….he held onto me and kept me from drowning when the waves were crashing over me.

I don’t know any other way to tell you.  One day, I decided to just show up to a men’s group even when I really ‘couldn’t’–too busy, bad time of the day, too early, etc.  By showing up, my life has been transformed–my marriage, my family, EVERYTHING–I now have friends that know more about me than I know about myself.  Join us! AND bring a friend along for the adventure of a lifetime.

The storms will come.  Who will be there for you? How will you survive?

“But what if your heart be right with God, and yet you are pressed down with a load of earthly trouble? What if the fear of poverty is tossing you to and fro, and seems likely to overwhelm you? What if pain of body be racking you to distraction day after day? What if you are suddenly laid aside from active usefulness and compelled by infirmity to sit still and do nothing? What if death has come into your home, and taken away your Rachel or Joseph or Benjamin and left you alone, crushed to the ground with sorrow? What if all this has happened? Still there is comfort in Christ. He can speak peace to wounded hearts as easily as calm troubled seas. He can rebuke rebellious wills as powerfully as raging winds. He can make storms of sorrow abate, and silence tumultuous passions, as surely as He stopped the Galilean storm. He can say to the heaviest anxiety, “Peace, be still!” The floods of care and tribulation may be mighty, but Jesus sits upon the waterfloods, and is mightier than the waves of the sea (Ps. 93:4). The winds of trouble may howl fiercely round you, but Jesus holds them in His hand, and can stay them when He lists. Oh, if any reader of this message is broken-hearted and care-worn and sorrowful, let him go to Jesus Christ, and cry to Him and he shall be refreshed. “Come unto Me,” He says, “all you that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matt. 11:28).”-excerpt from Holiness by J.C. Ryle

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The ZERO Club: open, honest, transparency

I continue to ‘preach’ the importance of transparency/honesty in our relationships to our wives.  This is NOT easy.  when I finally shared my last ‘skeleton in my closet’ with my wife, it was a very long stressful discussion, but it transformed our marriage.  Over the years, very few men (and women) have taken our advise to open up the closets of our past to our spouse (and to your closet friends) (note: it is not necessary and can be harmful and too painful to share all specific details of the ‘skeletons’ in the closets of our past-keep it general.)

Yesterday I got an email from a friend who shared that he opened his final ‘skeleton’ with his wife and it was incredible for him and his relationship with his wife.

It is my hope that more and more of us can experience the freedom, forgiveness, and intimacy that open, honest, transparency provides.  

Let me know if you need any guidance/help in becoming a member of the “ZERO club”

Here is what he shared with me:

“The ZERO club…

zero closets…
zero secrets…
zero instances of lost self-control…
zero self gratification…
zero prolonged non-appropriate fantasies…
side effects:
Honor for spouse/partner
diminish/remove impure motivations
remove impure thoughts
remove guilt, shame
heighten intimacy with spouse
increased trust/openness with spouse
more effective witness for Christ
heightened spiritual awareness
victory over Satan/realization that God is in control
improved relationships/outlook towards opposite sex
Here’s to obedience!  GLORY!”
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Sex, Marriage, Intimacy and Screwtape Letters: chapters 18-19

Key Scriptures:
Genesis 2:25, Ephesians 5:25, 1 John 4:18
Key Teaching points:
Sex is a spiritual discipline
Brokenness
Confession
Cross
Key Quote:
“Submit to my wife’s version of intimacy.”
Key Quotes from The Love Dare:
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The Love Dare (Alex Kendrick)
– Highlight Loc. 42-46 | Added on Sunday, May 24, 2009, 07:03 AM

The Love Dare journey is not a process of trying to change your spouse to be the person you want them to be. You’ve no doubt already discovered that efforts to change your husband or wife have ended in failure and frustration. Rather, this is a journey of exploring and demonstrating genuine love, even when your desire is dry and your motives are low. The truth is, love is a decision and not just a feeling. It is selfless, sacrificial, and transformational. And when love is truly demonstrated as it was intended, your relationship is more likely to change for the better.
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The Love Dare (Alex Kendrick)
– Highlight Loc. 930-35 | Added on Sunday, May 24, 2009, 07:10 AM

Yet this great blessing is also the site of its greatest danger. Someone who knows us this intimately can either love us at depths we never imagined, or can wound us in ways we may never fully recover from. It’s both the fire and the fear of marriage. Which of these are you experiencing the most in your home right now? Are the secrets your spouse knows about you reasons for shame, or reasons for drawing you closer? If your spouse were to answer this same question, would they say you make them feel safe, or scared? If home is not considered a place of safety, you will both be tempted to seek it somewhere else.
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The Love Dare (Alex Kendrick)
– Highlight Loc. 938-47 | Added on Sunday, May 24, 2009, 07:12 AM

The Bible says, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18). The atmosphere in your marriage should be one of freedom. Like Adam and Eve in the garden, your closeness should only intensify your intimacy. Being “naked” and “not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25) should exist in the same sentence, right in your marriage?physically and emotionally. Admittedly, this is tender territory. Marriage has unloaded another person’s baggage into your life, and yours into theirs. Both of you have reason to feel embarrassed that this much has been revealed about you to another living soul. But this is your opportunity to wrap all this private information about them in the protective embrace of your love, and promise to be the one who can best help him or her deal with it. Some of these secrets may need correcting. Therefore, you can be an agent of healing and repair?not by lecturing, not by criticizing, but by listening in love and offering support. Some of these secrets just need to be accepted. They are part of this person’s make-up and history. And though these issues may not be very pleasant to deal with, they will always require a gentle touch.
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The Love Dare (Alex Kendrick)
– Highlight Loc. 953-55 | Added on Sunday, May 24, 2009, 07:13 AM

(Psalm 139:2?4). And yet God, who knows secrets about us that we even hide from ourselves, loves us at a depth we cannot begin to fathom. How much more should we?as imperfect people?reach out to our spouse in grace and understanding, accepting them for who they are and assuring them that their secrets are safe with us?
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The Love Dare (Alex Kendrick)
– Highlight Loc. 1689-90 | Added on Sunday, May 24, 2009, 07:15 AM

Even its boundaries and restrictions are God’s ways of keeping our sexual experiences at a level far beyond any of those advertised on television or in the movies.
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The Love Dare (Alex Kendrick)
– Highlight Loc. 1699-1701 | Added on Sunday, May 24, 2009, 07:16 AM

This same oneness is a hallmark of every marriage. In the act of romance, we join our hearts to each other in an expression of love that no other form of communication can match. That’s why “the marriage bed is to be undefiled” (Hebrews 13:4). We are not to share this same experience with anyone else.
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Journal Time:
What would you want your wife to know about you and sex and intimacy?
What are some ways that you can show your wife that you love her?
Is your marriage both physically and emotionally in line with Genesis 2:25 image of marriage? why or why not?  How can you make it that way?
Group Time:
Is marriage only good when you are ‘in love’?  Can we fall ‘in’ and ‘out’ of love? explain.
“…persuading the humans that a curious, and usually shortlived, experience which they call ‘being in love’ is the only respectable ground for marriage…”
How can we keep the ‘excitement permanent’?
“…that marriage can, and ought to, render this excitement permanent; and that a marriage which does not do so is no longer binding…”
Is marriage about happiness or holiness? explain.
“…Now comes the joke. The Enemy described a married couple as ‘one flesh’. He did not say ‘a happily married couple’ or ‘a couple who married because they were in love’, but you can make the humans ignore that….humans can be made to infer the false belief that the blend of affection, fear, and desire which they call ‘being in love’ is the only thing that makes marriage either happy or holy…”  (see 1 John 4:18)
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Marriage Life Live: Date Night with a Purpose, Friday, May 1

FRIDAY, MAY 1 FROM 6:30-8:30pm
Meeting location at Rod and Amy Kamps’ home (28 Montclair, Irvine, CA  92602) and children meet at the Northpark Clubhouse.

This group is for all married couples at Pathways Church. The format for MLL is fun, informal, & interactive. We will eat together, watch movie clips, and talk about how we can have better intimacy and great marriages.

We will be charging a nominal fee for food for adults and kids:$15 per couple for food and $5 per child for childcare and the kids food.

Directions to the Clubhouse: going North on Culver turn left onto Portola. Take the first left which is Gate Park. Tell the guard that you are going to the Kamps’ home and the clubhouse. As you pull through the gate, the Clubhouse building will be directly in front of you and its parking lot is to the right.

Directions to the Kamps’ home from the Clubhouse: Make a right out of the parking lot, turn right on Meadow Valley, right onto Grass Valley and right on Montclair, end at 28 Montclair.

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Married Life Live (MLL), Friday, March 6

Friday, March 6 from 6:30pm-8:30pm

The format for MLL is fun, informal, & interactive. We will eat together, watch movie clips, & talk about how we want to be heard & loved, & how we can have better intimacy & great marriages.

Dinner & Childcare Provided
Couples Meeting @ Matt & Susan Ingalls
(15 Paso Robles, Irvine, CA 92602)

Children Meeting @ Northpark Clubhouse
(10 Meadow Valley, Irvine, CA 92602)                              
*Children will eat together at the Clubhouse

Directions to Northpark Clubhouse:
Going North on Culver turn left onto Portola. Take the first left which is Gate Park. Tell the Guard that you are going to the Ingalls’ home and the Clubhouse. As you pull through the gate, the Clubhouse building will be directly in front of you and its parking lot is to the right.

To sign-up or for more information on MLL contact: Drew & Brooke Lawson
949.400.5216 or alawsonmd@gmail.com


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Men’s Topic #10: Intimacy is BETTER than Sex

We had a GREAT time today listening and learning how to be a Christ like lover to our wives.  We are called to love her–sacrafically and unconditionally–as Christ loved us.  We discussed love languages, knowing your family of origin baggage allows healing and enlightenment into present struggles, and Drew’s ‘top 10’ marriage tips. Here is the outline and discussion questions.