Evil and Suffering, Blessing or Disaster?

“There is an old story about a wise man living on one of Chinas vast frontiers. One day, for no apparent reason, a young mans horse ran away and was taken by nomads across the border. Everyone tried to offer consolation for the mans bad fortune, but his father, a wise man, said “What makes you so sure this is not a blessing?”

Months later, his horse returned, bringing with her a magnificent stallion. This time everyone was full of congratulations for the son’s good fortune. But now his father said, “What makes you so sure this isn’t a disaster?”

Their household was made richer by this fine horse the son loved to ride. But one day he fell off the horse and broke his hip. Once again, everyone offered their consolation for his bad luck, but his father said, “What makes you so sure this is not a blessing?”

A year later nomads invaded across the border, and every able bodied man was required to take his bow and go into battle. The Chinese families living on the border lost 9 out of 10 men. Only because the son was lame did father and son survive and take care of each other.

What appeared like a blessing and success has been a terrible thing.  What has appeared to be a terrible event has often turned out to be a rich blessing.”-Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, location 1378

Top 10 Books: How to Win Friends and Influence People

Besides the Bible, I have read many books over the years.  A few have made it into the ‘top 10’ or well maybe the ‘top 20’.  This is one for the top 10.  A book with foundational Christian principles.  It can transform your life and relationships if you let it.

How to Win Friends and Influence People is an old book that I wish that I had memorized in high school! I have listened to it on CD several times now, and it continues to teach me key life principles that are also for the most part Biblical principles as well.

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie (I recommend the hardcover to allow for taking notes in the margins…yes, I am a GEEK!)

Trials, Temptations, & Thankfulness (James 1)

This is a brief excerpt from a  series at Pathways Church on truths from the book of James (from back in Oct 2008).  

  • TRIAL: I sat on the porch watching my 3 little kids playing in the street realizing that I would/could very well lose everything; a lawsuit that threatened to cause me to lose everything–KEY: No matter how much you have prepared; no matter how much you have planned for every situation; no matter what you say and do; no matter how much control you think that you have–you will be hit in life with things that are unfair and out of your control and yes, even devastating.
  • TEMPTATION: The night before Thanksgiving I lost sight of God.  I doubted His love, His presence.
  • THANKFULNESS:  Thanksgiving day came and although I was not that thankful, I chose to be thankful and list and look for thankful moments “…consider it all joy…”-James 1:1 Later on James mentions a ‘crown of life’.  My pastor friend, Bucky, shared with me that maybe we have misunderstood the ‘crown of life’ to be a crown we receive after we die.  Maybe this is a crown that we wear now on this side of heaven in the kingdom of God that is NOW HERE!  Maybe the trials we go through give us the eyes to see LIFE as God wants us to see LIFE as a GIFT!

Please enjoy my short audio about my “trial” and what it has taught me about thankfulness.  And as always please leave a comment!

The Psychology of Choice & Character

Please enjoy this brief audio discussion regarding the psychology of choice in which I discuss several examples of the influence of the subconscious and of time on our choices.

Example #1: Volunteers were given scrambled sentences and one group was given a group of scrambled sentences that were about rudeness and the other group was given a group of scrambled sentences about being patient.  The group that had just found the words relating to rudeness were much more likely to interrupt the interviewer’s phone conversation.  Very interesting.

Example #2: The other example they did is they had again 2 groups but this time one group got scrambled sentences with words to be found about being old and the other group had random words.  These two groups of participants were then timed from when they left the office, where the testing was done till they reach the elevator and they found that there is a significant slower pace to the group of people that were finding the words that were related to being old elderly.

Example #3: One group was asked to think of a very smart person and then answer trivial pursuit type questions vs. another group that was asked to think of a very stupid person and then answer the same trivial pursuit type questions.  The group thinking of the smart person did better at answering the trivial pursuit questions!

Example #4:  Finally the last example is from the tipping point by Malcolm Gladwell and in this book he discusses a very interesting story regarding the good Samaritan.   Princeton University psychologist met with a group of seminarians people studying to become a pastor’s and they were trying to answer the question who would stop and help a person who is slumped in the alley head down, eyes closed coughing and groaning.  One group was told that they were late to the class that they were going to teach and they are expected in only a few minutes so they better get moving quickly.  The other group were told that they have enough time to get over to the classroom.  What they found was that on several occasions the seminary students going to give their lecture which was actually on the parable of the good Samaritan literally stepped over the mock victim as he hurried on his way.  What they say is of the group that was in a rush 10% stopped to help, but of the group that was not in a rush that had some time to spare 63% stopped and helped.  This study suggests that the convictions of your heart and the actual contents of your thoughts are less important in the end in guiding one’s actions than the immediate context of your behavior.

All of these studies suggest that we as individuals must be very cognizant of the world around us and to influence it in a positive way, to show a good character,  we must be aware of our surroundings and slow down.  Those with truly great character do the right thing no matter if they are late for a meeting nor are they influenced in a negative way by their surroundings.

Not A Copy But An Image: Thoughts from The Shack

In his amazing book: The Shack, Paul Young writes a parable with a dialogue between a guy named Mack and the Trinity: Jesus, Papa aka God, and Sarayu aka The Holy Spirit.  Here is a section that explains the Christian walk beautifully and helped me to refocus and better understand my Christian walk.

Jesus says, “Mack, just like love, submission is not something that you can do, especially not on your own.  Apart from my life inside of you, you can’t submit to Nan, or your children, or anyone else in your life, including Papa.”

“You mean…that I can’t just ask, ‘What Would Jesus Do’?”

Jesus says, “Good intentions, bad idea…my life was not meant to be an example to copy.  Being my follower is not trying to ‘be like Jesus,’ it means for your independence to be killed.  I came to give you life, real life, my life.  We will come and live our life inside of you, so that you begin to see with  our eyes, and hear with out ears, and touch with our hands, and think like we do…”

Mack says, “This must be the dying daily that Sarayu was talking about…”

“I have been crucified with Christ.  I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me.”-Galatians 2: 20

Love and Respect

Love and Respect

There is a GREAT marriage and relationship book titled: Love and
Respect. The premise of this book is simply: “…each individual
among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife
must see to it that she respects her husband.”-Ephesians 5:33

It is very interesting that the author of this letter, Paul, doesn’t
ask the wife to ‘love’ the husband. Men, in general, feel loved by
being respected. We all want to be loved. We all want to hear the
words: ‘I love you.’ But men in particular need to hear that they are
valued. Most men would prefer to hear the words: ‘You are my hero.’
Strange as this may seem, I have seen this truth played out in my own
life and in the lives of the vast majority of men.

It is important for ALL of us to feel valued, to be respected. It is
important to treat each other and our patients with R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Life Principle #1: Don’t Criticize, Condemn, Complain

I continue to revisit a book and audio book that I wish that I had memorized when I was younger: How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

Time and time again  I have found myself using (or trying to use) his principles in my marriage, parenting, and other relationships.

Recently I have had conversations about affirming and its counter–criticizing your spouse.  I have seen and heard about a wife or husband who continually criticizes their spouse.  I have been a master at this myself.  For the most part, I have made a major effort to STOP completely this process.  It is a waste of time, and it turns out to do the opposite of what you want it to.  We seem to think that by giving ‘constructive criticism’ the other person will improve, but they don’t.  In fact, they seem to do MORE of the actions that we want them to change!

2 things:  1. The more you affirm and not criticize; the MORE likely their behavior will change!   2. Don’t try and change your spouse; just love them the way they are!

Principle #1: Don’t Criticize, Condemn, Complain

  • “If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive.”
  • “Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself.  Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment….B.F. Skinner, the world-famous psychologist, proved through his experiments that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior.”
  • “Lincoln…had learned by bitter experience that sharp criticisms and rebukes almost invariably end in futility.”
  • “The secret of…Ben Franklin’s…success? ‘I will speak ill of no man…and speak all the good I know of everybody.”
  • “Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain–and most fools do.  But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.”
  • “As Dr. Johnson said: ‘God himself, sir, does not propose to judge man until the end of his days.’  Why should you and I?”

I am not enough!

I am NOT enough! My eyes have FINALLY been open to this reality.  Most of us have this ‘wound’ but we just don’t know it.  I have written a brief summary of my learnings to help us all to learn from our past so that we may grow spiritually and emotionally in the future:

“Drew, can you be 1st base coach?” How hard could that be? The player’s are only 5 years old so all I had to do was point them in the direction of 2nd base, say, “great job!”, and my job was done. Or was it? My dad came up to me afterwards and said, “You know that you could have coached them more.” How many times has your mom or dad told you that you could have done a better job at something? Well at 35 years of age, my dad’s comment went on deaf ears until I mentioned it in passing to my wife. She thought his comment was significant, and comments such as those can have a lasting impact especially when you are young.  When she said this, I shared with her those times when I was young that my dad would critique one of my school projects, and he would insist that I throw it out and start all over.

More recently, I followed my father-in-law’s advice and bought a new barbeque from the exact same store and arranged the details of the delivery just as he instructed me. I proudly mentioned to him that I had left just the right amount of money on top of the old bbq so the delivery man would willingly take it away when he delivered the new bbq. When I showed off my new bbq to my father-in-law, I couldn’t get the propane tank hooked up to the bbq because my new bbq had a different attachment than my old one. My father-in-law said, “Oh, I always have the delivery man make sure and hook up the propane tank to the bbq before they leave to make sure that it works.” Finally, I recently had the pleasure of trying to pass a kidney stone. Not wanting to miss any work, I arranged to have it extracted during my vacation time. In passing, I mentioned to my retired father-in-law that I had only missed 1 day of work in 11 years. He said, “I missed 1 day of work in 30 years.” Have there been times in your life when your mom and dad have ‘zinged’ you (probably not even knowing that they had)?

Our dad’s (sometimes our mom’s) tell us over and over again as we are growing up—You are NOT enough! In so many subtle and not so subtle ways. This is the wound that so many men (and women) carry with them. It creates a fiercely critical spirit, a chip on our shoulders, and abrasive arguments when anyone tries to give us “constructive criticism”. We become our dad. It was only recently that a friend pointed this “I am not enough” wound out to me.  It was life changing to begin to process what it meant, how often I responded to my wife and others because of it, and how to learn and grow from it.

There are many practical ways that knowing about this wound has transformed my life.  In the past when I would write an article, I would immediately ask my wife to proof read the article for me.  When she would quickly use the red marker to slash and destroy what I thought was an almost perfect article, I would respond in a fury.  Now I see that I was only responding to my childhood experiences of not being enough.  My wife now knowing my wound has taken it upon herself to help heal my wound.  When I ask for her to proof read anything that I have written, she will affirm me, put it aside for at least 24 hours, and then she will slash away with her red marker.  It is amazing how quickly I become unattached to my work, and then can handle her critiques and edits much better.

My wife and I have an amazing marriage, but we have our share of arguments.  To my surprise, most of our arguments revolve around my “not enough” wound.  We argue because I feel that she has told me that “I am not enough”.  It can be simply because she told me that I loaded the dishwasher the wrong or that I should drive around the block again so my oldest son will be late to a birthday party because he does better when he is not the only kid there.  Yes, believe it or not this can set me off because I feel she is critiquing my driving and my favorite mantra that being early is one of life’s valuable secrets.

Two things have occurred since my “wound” was discovered.  Our arguments still occur, but they are much shorter and often end in laughter.  A less obvious by-product of my discovery stems from my wife’s repeated comment, “Ok already, I got it.  You are not enough.  When will it stop being about that!”  The wound is now so obvious and so prevelant that we both can laugh about it.  I have been healed enough through the process to laugh and with my wife’s encouragement to even tell myself, ‘Get over it!’

Men’s Group: Session 1-What is YOUR game plan?

The theme for this session was–what has your past taught you and what is your plan for the future?

Monte did a GREAT job of sharing from his heart and reminding us to learn from our past but not to dwell on it. We took out our driver’s license and looked at the expiration date. We discussed our hopes, dreams, predictions for our lives from now until the expiration date on our license.

So much of my life is spent thinking of the ‘if only’s”…or the could have, would have, should have’s…I can find myself sleepless, restless, and fixated on a past pain or regret. I have to shut down that memory tract. It is NOT healthy. I have to capture the lesson, and MOVE ON! I have learned from my past that much of who I am and the things that make me mad are related to my family of origin. I carry a ‘not enough’ wound (more on that in a later post) that causes a deep sensitivity to criticism–especially from my wife. The beauty is knowing this! It has helped immensely to shorten our arguments re: I can see the wound and laugh at how crazy I am to be so sensitive.

My future. I used to be a big planner, but from recent, very painful experiences, I have realized that the future is God’s. Any control of the future that I might have is illusory. So I live each day for the gift that it is being NOW HERE rather than NOWHERE.

True Christianity

A good friend of mine just became a Christian! It is so exciting to see someone make the decision to cross the threshold of eternity.

He has been asking A LOT of questions.  What does it mean to be a follower of Christ? Shouldn’t we sell all our possessions and follow Him as the disciples did?

Mike Erre’s sermon attached to this post is titled: The End of Your Rope.  A title from a quote from Dallas Willard who points out that we don’t truly see Him and grow deeper in knowing Him until we are at the end of our ropes.  Speaking from one who has been at the end of the rope, I agree completely.

Please share your thoughts.  I found this sermon to encapsulate the true meaning of being a Christ follower.

How simple is the Christian walk of faith?

Here is a marvelous quote from 2 Christian missionaries who live in Africa about the Christian walk.

“Loving God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength will take you to the end of yourself, and you will find yourself looking out over a precipice. Only God can keep you from falling. Only faith working through love counts. Let’s never leave the simplicity and purity of devotion to Jesus. All we know when the pressure becomes great is Jesus and Him crucified. We exist by the power of the Cross, safe and secure.”-Rolland and Heidi

Men’s Group: Calvary Road, Dove and Lamb, Chapter 5

This chapter’s focus is once AGAIN: humility.  Only when we are broken and willing to be filled can we truly embrace and grow in the Holy Spirit’s teachings.  I have included this amazing statement below, study questions, and Dave’s insights.
Study Guide statement, pg 18:  “Remember the goal of the Christ-life is NOT to be a better Christian.  It is to be conformed to the image of God’s Son, by the Holy Spirit’s conquest of self.  Victory is not me overcoming my sin, victory is Jesus Christ overcoming me. When He overcomes me, moment by moment, the only Biblical response is humility and brokenness, which brings on the much needed grace of God. GLORY!

study questions:

1. Take a few minutes to meditate on this statement:  “But inasmuch as there is no past or future with God, but all is present and timeless, there is a sense in which the suffering of the Lord Jesus for the sins of which we have not repented is present too. What a vision it is when we see these sins wounding and hurting Him now!”
2. How can we be more like the Lamb?
  • humility–examples at work and at home?
  • submissiveness–examples at work and at home?
  • self-surrender–examples at work and at home?
3. What does Hession mean by this statement: “Victorious living and effective soul-winning service are not the product of our better selves and hard endeavours, but are simply the fruit of the Holy Spirit. We are not called upon to produce the fruit, but simply to bear it.
4. “A saintly African Christian told a congregation once that, as he was climbing the hill to the meeting, he heard steps behind him. He turned and saw a man carrying a very heavy load up the hill on his back. He was full of sympathy for him and spoke to him. Then he noticed that His hands were scarred, and he realised that it was Jesus. He said to Him, “Lord, are you carrying the world’s sins up the hill?” “No,” said the Lord Jesus, “not the world’s sin, just yours!”
What are the sins that Jesus is carrying?

Dave’s Insights:  You had to be awake and ready to start this session because Drew got your brain going right out of the gate. Here is what we led off with: Take a few minutes and mediate on this statement, “But inasmuch as there is no past or future with God, but all is present and timeless, there is a sense in which the suffering of the Lord Jesus for the sins of which we have not repented is present, too. What a sin it is when we see these sins wounding and hurting him now.”

Robby said we tend to focus more on the forgiveness than the severity of the sin. I know I have been guilty of that, “I am forgiven” attitude, rather than taking the time to truly realize the impact of my sin and that it is wrong. I have come to realize I do not feel forgiven until I spend time with God, confess my sin and ask for His forgiveness.

The next question asked how we can be more like the Lamb. It gave suggestions for exploration in three areas, humility, submissiveness and self-surrender. Bucky talked about self-surrender. Bucky said sometimes he has hidden expectations and gets distressed when the outcome is not what he expected or wanted. I think we can all relate to that one, can’t we? We all have expectations. What do we do, or how do we respond when that job interview doesn’t get us the job, our finances aren’t where we would like them to be, or, the old, “I never thought I would be in this situation at this point in my life (it isn’t what I expected).” Funny thing is, a song by a fairly new Christian says “Welcome to wherever you are. God makes no mistakes; you are exactly where you are supposed to be.” How true, God has a plan for you. That plan may not be what you want or expect but it certainly is where you are supposed to be. So, maybe in your time with God, you can ask Him, “Lord, how may I serve you in this situation?”  If you keep your heart open, God will use you in that situation, no matter what it is. And, I believe you will both benefit from it.

Mother’s Day Advice on Parenting

Uberlumen has been lacking parenting content.  This is a lecture from a panel of mom’s on mother’s day.  They have incredible wisdom and insights into parenting.  Here are a few points:

  • Thankfulness is the password into God’s presence
  • Our family of origin has SO MUCH influence on who we become
  • Christ can heal our family of origin wounds
  • Our marriages shape our children’s character

Please share with us your thoughts and learnings after you listen to these amazing women share their lives and parenting wisdom.

Men’s Group: Fellowship from Calvary Road, May 13, 2009

The progression of the chapters in Calvary Road is significant.  We started with brokenness, then went to confession/cleaning our lives (cups) up so we can fill them with the Holy Spirit, and now we turn to fellowship.

Years ago I kept secrets from my wife, and one day I finally ‘confessed’ and ‘cleaned’ out ALL the skeletons in my closet (cup).  It was a scary, crazy, and bold move that kept us up talking until 3am.  I was scared of her not forgiving me and not understanding me.  She did both.

Shortly after my cup was clean 2 things happened.  My marriage went from great to amazing.  The comfort in KNOWING that there was nothing to hide freed us up to have a depth and peace and intimacy that I would have never dreamed of.  

The second thing that happened is that I learned to share my dirty cup with other men.  I found several men who were willing and that I felt save enough with to share my deepest fears and struggles.  I talk and meet with these men weekly.  This has transformed my relationship with my wife, with Christ, and with everyone around me.  A very large weight has been lifted from my soul, and I have a place to run and hide when things get overwhelming.

Hession in chapter 3-The Way of Fellowship outlines the importance of fellowship in shaping our lives and our relationships with our spouses, our friends, and our God.

Through the years, I have continued to try and coach and encourage other men to ‘date’ each other.  There is a richness to life that is sorely lacking without this process.  But it takes men SO LONG and most NEVER are able or willing to get there.  

The only way to do it is by finding a guy that you feel comfortable with and you take a few baby steps by sharing some private struggles or sins.  See how they respond, If they respond in kind and with understanding then dig deeper and continue to share more.  As you trust more and learn to share more, you will find that your marriage is better, your walk with Christ is deeper, and your life is richer.

Any questions?

Calvary Road, Chapter 3, Fellowship quotes:

But if we have not been brought into vital fellowship with our brother, it is a proof that to that extent we have not been brought into vital fellowship with God
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Sin always involves us in being unreal, pretending, duplicity, window dressing, excusing ourselves and blaming others–and we can do all that as much by our silence as by saying or doing something.
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The only basis for real fellowship with God and man is to live out in the open with both.
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Spurgeon defines it in one of his sermons as “the willingness to know and be known.”
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We must be willing not only to know, but to be known by him for what we really are. That means we are not going to hide our inner selves from those with whom we ought to be in fellowship; we are not going to window dress and put on appearances; nor are we going to whitewash and excuse ourselves. We are going to be honest about ourselves with them. We are willing to give up our spiritual privacy, pocket our pride and risk our reputations for the sake of being open and transparent with our brethren in Christ.
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We have not necessarily got to tell everybody everything about ourselves. The fundamental thing is our attitude of walking in the light, rather than the act. Are we willing to be in the open with our brother–and be so in word when God tells us to?
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When the barriers are down and the masks are off, God has a chance of making us really one. But there is also the added joy of knowing that in such a fellowship we are “safe.”
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Jesus wants you to begin walking in the light with Him in a new way today. Join with one other–your Christian friend, the person you live with, your wife, your husband. Drop the mask.

Men’s Group: May 6, 2009 Filling the Cup

We discussed chapter 2 of Calvary Road today.  It discusses the importance of brokenness and confession in our lives so that we are willing and ready to be filled by the Holy Spirit to ‘spill out’ the spirit of God onto others around us.  The exercise of brokenness and confession helps for us to get out of the way so God can drive/lead.  

Francisco shared what “personal and daily revival” means to him:

“Jesus is waiting for me when I get up.”  

What would the world be like if followers of Jesus lived like this?  Imagine if you lived a life of anticipation and joy knowing that as soon as you opened your eyes every morning, Jesus was there smiling and waiting for you!  Take away the worry and anxiety and all the stuff packed into our minds, and start each day as an adventure with Jesus.

Quotes from Calvary Road:

“Revival itself is being absolutely filled to overflowing with the Holy Spirit, and that is victorious living.”

“If we were asked this moment if we were filled with the Holy Spirit, how many of us would dare to answer “yes”? Revival is when we can say “yes” at any moment of the day.”

“People imagine that dying to self makes one miserable. But it just the opposite. It is the refusal to die to self that makes one miserable. The more we know of death with Him, the more we shall know of His life in us, and so the more of real peace and joy.”

Men’s Group: March 25, 2009 What is your favorite book to read?

Enjoy Dave’s insights about our latest men’s group:

Robby and Bucky teamed up at last Wednesday’s Men of the Path to cover the subject matter of one of the most difficult sessions we’ve had. It was on the value to us, as men, of one book. That book is sometimes called by names such as, The Book of Books, The Owner’s Manual for Life, the Good Book, or Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth. Of course we are talking about the Bible. No matter what name we use, one thing is clear; the Bible is the Word of God. The icebreaker last week was, “What is your favorite book to read?” It stumped most of us; heck, we’re men, we don’t read unless it has to do with sports or work, right? I don’t know why, but I was stumped on how to answer this question. I knew what the answer “should be,” but it wasn’t the truth; at least I was not comfortable saying the “should” answer. For some reason my tongue was tied. I’ve read a lot of books. In the approximately 12 months I was at Taft, I read more than 36. {If you are wondering what “Taft” is, then go to Drew’s website, www.uberlumen.com, and listen to my testimony, among the many great things for men.} I read some great books; being a new Christian I absorbed them like a sponge. Books like, “Mere Christianity,” “The Screwtape Letters,” the entire “Left Behind” series, “Wild at Heart” and, of course, the Bible. I’m convinced I was tongue-tied on an answer to the “favorite book” question because of the lack of time I spend today in God’s Word. What many of us did was start naming our favorite book of the Bible. It was sad, but at the same time, that fit right into what Robby and Bucky wanted to talk about. Robby and Bucky used Psalm 119:9-16 to stress that the amount of time we spend reading and meditating on the Bible is “serious business.” Please take a moment to read Psalm 119:9-16. Every line talks about God’s Word, doesn’t it? These eight lines say so much. Even though most of us didn’t have answers to that icebreaker we all had answers for the other questions, “What does the Word of God mean to your life?,” Why is the Word of God a useful tool for us as men?” and “How does the Word of God make us more like Jesus? Bucky closed with some “shoulds.” He said the Bible “should” ignite a fire under our bellies. Bucky said the Bible “should” be the final authority in your life (it “should” be the book you consult for everything in your life). Bucky said we “should” spend at least 30 minutes a day in God’s Word. Five minutes a day is not enough for us in the OC; it is like a snack. Here in the OC we need a meal. I’d like to ask that you spend some time “feasting” on the Psalm 119: 9-16 and the preceding questions. Email your thoughts to Bucky and/or Robby. These guys put a lot of time into Wednesday mornings and would love to hear from you. It would be great if those of you that cannot attend take some time to email your comments to Bucky and/or Robby. Their addresses are on this email. Enjoy your time with God and His Word this week.