In reply to the post on emotions, we got a posted comment asking: How to quell your emotions? Here are some thoughts….
To quell or not to quell?
To Quell: YES! Join the crowd of men with distant non-emotive fathers from a family of origin of quellers. This is me. I am a queller. I have been well trained in the art. I even get a small whiff of emotion and I run for cover. The problem: Quelling leads to men (and women) who don’t know what to do with their emotions. We try to stuff them down deep, hide them, pretend they don’t exist, cover them with logic and hard work, but they are there in a very powerful way. We hide them only to realize that they direct so many of our actions. Even worse, the queller is prone to incredible outbursts of emotions often acting shocked, “Where did those come from?!” Under extreme stress emotions boil over into rage and angry explosions.
The queller has been trained in the art of disconnect. We are the superhero’s that are calm powerhouses of intellect and logic within our families of origin that are unraveling by alcohol and dysfunction. Robotic, we move through life seemingly unphased. Our war cry (sorry whisper): “I don’t need people! I don’t need emotional connection!”
When in reality that is what life is ALL about: Connectedness, relationship. Only when I was dropped to my knees by catastrophic circumstances in my own life was I finally forced to lean on my wife and others. And it was extremely painful for me to reach out to others.
Not to Quell:
“…listening to your emotions ushers you into reality and reality is where you meet God”-Peter Scazzero, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality
This is the way of true life: Knowing and embracing the reality of our emotions. The key is to be aware of what I am feeling, being aware of my emotions because otherwise we let our emotions fester and smolder and control us.
How do we listen to our emotions? How do we embrace and welcome our emotions as the window to reality?
We need to learn to get into a rhythm with our emotions. A few ‘tricks’ can be used. The first is called ‘tagging’. Recognize when anger, frustration, and other emotions are starting to boil and ‘tag’ then to discuss and retrieve them at a later time. Develop a pattern or rhythm of checking in with your spouse or close friend to discuss these ‘tagged’ emotions. The other ‘trick’ is to recognize your emotions before they overtake you. Recognize the situations and times when you can start to feel your emotions bubbling over and intervene at that moment. Recognize and analyze why the situation is giving you that emotional response. In time, this approach will allow you to acknowledge your emotions and address them in healthier ways rather than waiting until they sneak up and explode on you and those around you.
Finally, what can I do when my emotions (anger, frustration, etc) start to boil over? Here is the challenge as Teresa Avila said, “…learn to sit in the weeds (of your emotions)…” What is God trying to say to me through this emotion? Why am I feeling this emotion in this situation? What is the emotion saying about me? Emotions are simply a guide. Take a ‘time out’ to listen to God’s whisper, and remember that He is ALWAYS whispering to YOU that He loves and adores and DELIGHTS in YOU!