Tag Archives: relationship

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Parenting Top 10

The latest edition of Mind magazine from Scientific American had an article about parenting. Including a top 10 list of key factors in parenting that predict a strong parent-child bond and children’s happiness, health, and success. Some are obvious, but others may not be.

The one that I continue to see that many parents can’t believe and don’t follow is that a strong parental relationship is KEY to happy and successful kids. A kid centered family is NOT healthy. We must date our spouse. The love that you show your spouse in some studies has been shown to be MORE important at times than the love you show your kids. The love you show your spouse is also a key model for your kids to see relationship love, respect, and support so they will hopefully have a successful marriage…

1. Love and affection. You support and accept the child, are physi-
cally affectionate, and spend quality one-on-one time together.
2. Stress management. You take steps to reduce stress for yourself
and your child, practice relaxation techniques and promote posi-
tive interpretations of events.
3. Relationship skills. You maintain a healthy relationship with your
spouse and model effective relationship skills with other people.
4. Autonomy and independence. You treat your child with respect and
encourage him or her to become self-sufficient and self-reliant.
5. Education and learning. You promote and model learning and
provide educational opportunities for your child.
6. Life skills. You provide for your child, have a steady income and
plan for the future.
7. Behavior management. You make extensive use of positive reinforcement and punish only when other methods of managing behavior have failed.
8. Health. You model a healthy lifestyle and good habits, such as regular exercise and proper nutrition, for your child.
9. Religion. You support spiritual or religious development and participate in spiritual or religious activities.
10. Safety. You take precautions to protect your child and maintain awareness of the child’s activities and friends. —excerpt from Mind magazine

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Life Principle #2: Give Honest, Sincere Appreciation

I have been struck by the power of affirmation and appreciation.  I have also been struck by the destructive power of criticism.

Recently I tried to encourage someone to always find the good, always look for the opportunity to compliment and appreciate, and never complain or criticize.  Their response was, “But if you only knew that person, if you only knew how difficult they can be, and how much criticism they deserve.”

This response misses the point completely!  It was only when I dropped the contempt and criticisms did I start to see the gifts in the other person.  It is only when you look for the appreciation will the critical spirit in YOU fade away.

It is NOT about the other person; it is about YOU.  It is about healing YOUR image of yourself, the world around you, and others.

Our marriages and relationships would truly be transformed if we followed Carnegie’s first 2 principles always leading with this one.

“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people…the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.  There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors.  I never criticize anyone.  I believe in giving a person incentive to work.  So I am anxious to praise but loathe to find fault.  If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise… in my wide association in life, meeting with many and great people in various parts of the world… I have yet to find a person, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism.”-Charles Schwab

“Every man I meet is my superior in some way.  In that, I learned from him.”-Emerson

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Carnegie:

  • “That is what Schwab did.  What do average people do?  The exact opposite.  If they don’t like to think, they ball out their  subordinates; if they do like it, they say nothing.  As the old couplet says: “once I did bad and that I heard ever/twice I did good, but that I heard never.”-pg 38
  • “I once succumbed to the Fad of fasting and went for six days and nights without eating… I was less hungry at the end of the sixth day than I was at the end of the second.  Yet I know, as you know, people who think they had committed a crime if they let their families or employees go for six days without food; but they will let them go for six days,  six weeks, and sometimes 60 years without giving them the hearty appreciation that they crave almost as much as they crave food.”-pg 40
  • ” When Alfred Lunt, one of the great actors of his time, played the leading role in Reunion in Vienna, he said, “there is nothing I need so much as nourishment for my self-esteem.”  We nurish the bodies of our children and friends and employees but how seldom do we nurish their self-esteem?  We provide them with roast beef and potatoes to build energy, but we neglect to give them kind words of appreciation that would sing in their memories for years like the music of the morning stars.”-pg 40 one
  • “When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95% of our time thinking about ourselves.  Now [just imagine], if we [ could] stop thinking about ourselves for awhile and begin to think of the other person’s good points…”-pg 41
  • “Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips.  You’ll be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit.”-pg 42
  • “Pamela Dunham of  a New Fairfield, Connecticut, had among her responsibilities on her job the supervision of a janitor who was doing a very poor job.  The other employees would jeer at him and litter the hallways to show him what a bad job he is doing.  It was so bad, productive time was being lost in the shop.  Without success, Pam tried various ways to motivate this person.  She noticed that occasionally he did a particularly good piece of work.  She made a point to praise him for it in front of the other people.  Each day the job he did all around got better, and pretty soon he started doing all his work efficiently.  Now he does an excellent job and other people give them appreciation and recognition.  Honest appreciation got results where criticism and ridicule failed.”-pg 42
  • “Hurting people not only does not change them, it is never called for.  There is an old saying that I’ve cut out and pasted on my mirror where I cannot help but see it every day: ‘I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now.  Let me not deferring or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.'”-pg 42
  • “Let’s cease thinking of our accomplishments, our wants.  Let’s try to figure out the other person’s good points.”-pg 43
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Men on the Path, November 4, 2009: True Success

We were in session #3 from a quiet strength a men’s Bible study by Tony Dungy and our question for today is: How is God’s definition of success different from how most people define it?
We looked at five key verses: Psalm 1:1-3; one Samuel 16:7; Micah 6: 6-8; Matthew 22:34-40; acts 1:8; Philippians 1: 21

God’s definition of success is “to live is Christ to die is gain” only when we can die to ourselves can we truly be successful. J. C. Ryle in his book titled Holiness points out what it costs to be a true Christian (to gain true success).

“For one thing, it will cost us our self righteousness. We must cast away all pride and high thoughts and conceit of our own goodness… for another thing it will cost us our sins. We must be willing to give up every habit and practice which is wrong in God’s sight. We and our sin must quarrel, if we and God are to be friends….For another thing, it will cost us our love of ease…we secretly wish we could have a vicarious Christianity, and could be good by proxy, and have everything done for us. Anything that requires exertion and labor is entirely against the grain of our hearts… in the last place, it will cost us the favor of the world… surely a Christian should be willing to give up anything which stands between him and heaven…A religion that costs nothing is worth nothing! A cheap Christianity, without a cross, will prove in the end a useless Christianity, without a crown…”-pg 82-86

“We must seek to have personal intimacy with the Lord Jesus, and to deal with him as a man deals with a loving friend. We must realize what it is to turn to him first in every need, to talk to him about every difficulty, to consult him about every step, to spread before him all our sorrows, to get him to share in our all our joys, to do all as in his site, and to go through every day leaning on and looking to him.”-pg 113

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Men’s Group: Why show up? What is in it for me? The storms will come.

We had a football quiz to kick off our fall series: Quiet Strength by Tony Dungy (The Bible Study), and then we spent some time talking.  Mostly small talk….but we also spoke of the importance of being in a men’s group.  Do you ever wonder why? Do you worry about not fitting in? Do you have ‘better’ things to do with your time?  I don’t blame you.  I understand.  I had those thoughts myself, but I took a risk and started to show up and my life has never been the same.  The men in my life have rescued me.

We discussed Matthew 14:22-33.  Jesus calms the storm.  75% or more of men in America don’t have a friend that they can turn to in a ‘storm’.  I am reminded of 2 men who shared with me that they knew each other very well and were close friends, but when we started going deep under the surface, it became clear very quickly that they didn’t truly ‘know’ each other much at all.  This is the norm.  We walk through life completely alone with the facade of knowing each other.

10 years ago, I jumped out of the boat by sharing with a friend one of my deeply held ‘secrets’, and little by little we continued to grow closer and closer knowing everything about each other, our past, present, and future struggles, fears, and dreams.  I have never felt so free, peace filled, and truly alive knowing that there is someone that I can turn to with ALL my fears.

Then the storms came….and I had a friend who was there with me when I was drowning, suffocating, and had no where else to go….he held onto me and kept me from drowning when the waves were crashing over me.

I don’t know any other way to tell you.  One day, I decided to just show up to a men’s group even when I really ‘couldn’t’–too busy, bad time of the day, too early, etc.  By showing up, my life has been transformed–my marriage, my family, EVERYTHING–I now have friends that know more about me than I know about myself.  Join us! AND bring a friend along for the adventure of a lifetime.

The storms will come.  Who will be there for you? How will you survive?

“But what if your heart be right with God, and yet you are pressed down with a load of earthly trouble? What if the fear of poverty is tossing you to and fro, and seems likely to overwhelm you? What if pain of body be racking you to distraction day after day? What if you are suddenly laid aside from active usefulness and compelled by infirmity to sit still and do nothing? What if death has come into your home, and taken away your Rachel or Joseph or Benjamin and left you alone, crushed to the ground with sorrow? What if all this has happened? Still there is comfort in Christ. He can speak peace to wounded hearts as easily as calm troubled seas. He can rebuke rebellious wills as powerfully as raging winds. He can make storms of sorrow abate, and silence tumultuous passions, as surely as He stopped the Galilean storm. He can say to the heaviest anxiety, “Peace, be still!” The floods of care and tribulation may be mighty, but Jesus sits upon the waterfloods, and is mightier than the waves of the sea (Ps. 93:4). The winds of trouble may howl fiercely round you, but Jesus holds them in His hand, and can stay them when He lists. Oh, if any reader of this message is broken-hearted and care-worn and sorrowful, let him go to Jesus Christ, and cry to Him and he shall be refreshed. “Come unto Me,” He says, “all you that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matt. 11:28).”-excerpt from Holiness by J.C. Ryle

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Contempt is the key to a BAD Marriage

I was reminded of some powerful marriage tips and principles from one of John Gottman’s great marriage books when Gottman’s research was brought up in Blink by Malcolm Gladwell.

Gladwell points out that Gottman has done detailed, objective research to find traits that can sink any marriage.  The primary trait that will ruin a marriage? CONTEMPT.

“Four Horsemen: defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, and contempt. Even within the Four Horsemen, in fact, there is one emotion that he considers the most important of all: contempt. If Gottman observes one or both partners in a marriage showing contempt toward the other, he considers it the single most important sign that the marriage is in trouble.
“It’s trying to put that person on a lower plane than you. It’s hierarchical.” Gottman has found, in fact, that the presence of contempt in a marriage can even predict such things as how many colds a husband or a wife gets; in other words, having someone you love express contempt toward you is so stressful that it begins to affect the functioning of your immune system. “Contempt is closely related to disgust, and what disgust and contempt are about is completely rejecting and excluding someone from the community.”
“The big gender difference with negative emotions is that women are more critical, and men are more likely to stonewall. We find that women start talking about a problem, the men get irritated and turn away, and the women get more critical, and it becomes a circle. But there isn’t any gender difference when it comes to contempt. Not at all.” Contempt is special. If you can measure contempt, then all of a sudden you don’t need to know every detail of the couple’s relationship.”–excerpt from Gladwell’s book
My marriage was in trouble, and I didn’t even know it.  I specialized in contempt.  It has been a slow process, and my wife remembers when I was filled with contempt, but we both look back amazed at how contempt has been eliminated from our marriage for many years now.  How?
  • HUMILITY through serving her, putting her ahead of yourself, learning to love her the way that she needs to be loved
  • BROKENNESS–being willing to acknowledge your own faults and inadequacies helps to break the contempt cycle
  • CONFESSION–share with her your brokenness, be volunerable with her, allow her to see the real you–flaws and all.
  • working at making our marriage better
  • being WILLING to change and serve your spouse
  • dating other men–deep, meaningful relationships with a few men has helped me to be a better husband (and person)
  • spending time in the appreciation room (see Love Dare book for details)–leaning and training myself to look at and appreciate her for all her beauty and for who she is–being grateful for her.
  • walking with Christ–prayer, Bible study, learning more and more about His love, humility, service, sacrifice

There is more to follow….

Marriage is an adventure and a journey not a destination, and just like when you said I do to her and to Christ, it is just the beginning–the relationship (sanctification) is the adventure.

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Sex, Marriage, Intimacy and Screwtape Letters: chapters 18-19

Key Scriptures:
Genesis 2:25, Ephesians 5:25, 1 John 4:18
Key Teaching points:
Sex is a spiritual discipline
Brokenness
Confession
Cross
Key Quote:
“Submit to my wife’s version of intimacy.”
Key Quotes from The Love Dare:
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The Love Dare (Alex Kendrick)
– Highlight Loc. 42-46 | Added on Sunday, May 24, 2009, 07:03 AM

The Love Dare journey is not a process of trying to change your spouse to be the person you want them to be. You’ve no doubt already discovered that efforts to change your husband or wife have ended in failure and frustration. Rather, this is a journey of exploring and demonstrating genuine love, even when your desire is dry and your motives are low. The truth is, love is a decision and not just a feeling. It is selfless, sacrificial, and transformational. And when love is truly demonstrated as it was intended, your relationship is more likely to change for the better.
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The Love Dare (Alex Kendrick)
– Highlight Loc. 930-35 | Added on Sunday, May 24, 2009, 07:10 AM

Yet this great blessing is also the site of its greatest danger. Someone who knows us this intimately can either love us at depths we never imagined, or can wound us in ways we may never fully recover from. It’s both the fire and the fear of marriage. Which of these are you experiencing the most in your home right now? Are the secrets your spouse knows about you reasons for shame, or reasons for drawing you closer? If your spouse were to answer this same question, would they say you make them feel safe, or scared? If home is not considered a place of safety, you will both be tempted to seek it somewhere else.
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The Love Dare (Alex Kendrick)
– Highlight Loc. 938-47 | Added on Sunday, May 24, 2009, 07:12 AM

The Bible says, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18). The atmosphere in your marriage should be one of freedom. Like Adam and Eve in the garden, your closeness should only intensify your intimacy. Being “naked” and “not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25) should exist in the same sentence, right in your marriage?physically and emotionally. Admittedly, this is tender territory. Marriage has unloaded another person’s baggage into your life, and yours into theirs. Both of you have reason to feel embarrassed that this much has been revealed about you to another living soul. But this is your opportunity to wrap all this private information about them in the protective embrace of your love, and promise to be the one who can best help him or her deal with it. Some of these secrets may need correcting. Therefore, you can be an agent of healing and repair?not by lecturing, not by criticizing, but by listening in love and offering support. Some of these secrets just need to be accepted. They are part of this person’s make-up and history. And though these issues may not be very pleasant to deal with, they will always require a gentle touch.
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The Love Dare (Alex Kendrick)
– Highlight Loc. 953-55 | Added on Sunday, May 24, 2009, 07:13 AM

(Psalm 139:2?4). And yet God, who knows secrets about us that we even hide from ourselves, loves us at a depth we cannot begin to fathom. How much more should we?as imperfect people?reach out to our spouse in grace and understanding, accepting them for who they are and assuring them that their secrets are safe with us?
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The Love Dare (Alex Kendrick)
– Highlight Loc. 1689-90 | Added on Sunday, May 24, 2009, 07:15 AM

Even its boundaries and restrictions are God’s ways of keeping our sexual experiences at a level far beyond any of those advertised on television or in the movies.
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The Love Dare (Alex Kendrick)
– Highlight Loc. 1699-1701 | Added on Sunday, May 24, 2009, 07:16 AM

This same oneness is a hallmark of every marriage. In the act of romance, we join our hearts to each other in an expression of love that no other form of communication can match. That’s why “the marriage bed is to be undefiled” (Hebrews 13:4). We are not to share this same experience with anyone else.
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Journal Time:
What would you want your wife to know about you and sex and intimacy?
What are some ways that you can show your wife that you love her?
Is your marriage both physically and emotionally in line with Genesis 2:25 image of marriage? why or why not?  How can you make it that way?
Group Time:
Is marriage only good when you are ‘in love’?  Can we fall ‘in’ and ‘out’ of love? explain.
“…persuading the humans that a curious, and usually shortlived, experience which they call ‘being in love’ is the only respectable ground for marriage…”
How can we keep the ‘excitement permanent’?
“…that marriage can, and ought to, render this excitement permanent; and that a marriage which does not do so is no longer binding…”
Is marriage about happiness or holiness? explain.
“…Now comes the joke. The Enemy described a married couple as ‘one flesh’. He did not say ‘a happily married couple’ or ‘a couple who married because they were in love’, but you can make the humans ignore that….humans can be made to infer the false belief that the blend of affection, fear, and desire which they call ‘being in love’ is the only thing that makes marriage either happy or holy…”  (see 1 John 4:18)
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Married Life Live Session #1, March 6, 2009 SUMMARY

Enjoy the audio summary of our teaching and here are your answers:
Ways the women feel loved:

  • affirmation–positive comments, gratitude
  • phone calls during the day
  • listen (turn-off TV, electronics) and listen without solving the problem
  • maintain peace if ‘mom’ is feeling upset
  • no selective hearing
  • pray together
  • affection (non-sexual)–hand holding, kissing, etc.
  • committment to purity (ex. victoria secret commercial, movies-selective etc.)
  • empathy
  • relifef with kids & house chores
  • balanced parenting (teamwork)
  • listening and following through (ex. listening to a book that was mentioned and then buying it for us)
  • date night (planning it from start to finish–including setting up a babysitter)
  • respecting in-laws and boundaries with in-laws
  • family and couple time as a priority
Ways men feel respected:
  • affirm us without asking (“you are my hero.”)
  • give us grace, forgive and forget–don’t bring up the past and don’t use the past against us
  • support our passions/hobbies & learn to enjoy our activities
  • understand our stress
  • speak with softer tones in your voice and without nagging
  • speak highly of us with your friends
  • trust our decisions
  • allign and stand behind us when we are parenting our kids
  • give us down time…respect our space
  • (am I forgetting anything?) the men did mention that the top 3 ways that they feel respect is: #1 SEX. #2 SEX. #3 SEX.

Please share with us your comments & feedback.

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Start the New Year with a Resolution: A Daily Devotional

Now is the time to start a yearly devotional.  It is imperative to our walk with Christ to be in a devotional daily. The secret to the best devotionals? Reading the Bible (And if you do this every year, one way to motivate you to keep going is to read through the Bible in a different translation than one that you usually read e.g. New Living Translation, New American Standard, God’s Word, to name a few):

1. The Discipleship Journal has several options (I am doing this one this year) AND I am using a different Bible translation: Holman Christian Standard Bible AND I am reading the Bible using The Apologetics Study Bible which is excellent for those with a lot of questions.

2. A One Year Bible is a great way to go

A few GREAT options for those who want to do a daily devotion but not read through the Bible:

1. The One Year Book of Church History (I just finished this one, and it was AMAZING! I HIGHLY recommend it.)

2. Promises by Bill Bright (I did this one years ago. It is excellent, but I think it is out of print.)

3. Our Daily Bread: You can download it to your PDA, read it online, or order a paper copy. (I have done this one for years, and it is simple, concise and FREE! They will send you a free copy FOREVER–even tracked me down when I moved across the country!)

4. The One Year Book of Bible Prayer is another great option.

5. walkthru.org has a eDevotion that is sent to you via email, and they have some GREAT paper devotionals

(Their Daily Walk will walk you through the Bible in a year, and their Closer Walk will walk you through the New Testament in a year–both are excellent.)

Finally there are some GREAT audio options:

1.  The Bible Experience (you can buy on itunes via audiobooks or at their website)  I have bought the book of John and the Psalms and listened through it.  They are VERY good. 

2. The Bible Podcast is a FREE audio version of the Bible that is also excellent.

It doesn’t matter what you do as much as doing SOME form of daily devotion.  Ideally you are reading the Bible daily.

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Men’s Topic #12: The Christmas Story

Hello Everyone,

Before I forget, last Wednesday, was our final meeting of the year; our next meeting will be on Wednesday, January 7, 2009. 

Bucky gave us the alternative Christmas story and Drew challenged us to read it this year rather than the one from Luke.   That “story” is the Gospel of John, chapter 1, verses 1-14.  I personally never looked at these verses in this way before.  Take a few minutes to read the material, then answer the first question we had; what is unique about the way John tells the Christmas story? 

 

I learn so much through Bucky’s teaching and our sharing time it is difficult for me to write about one or two things we covered.  I want to write about all of them; but I cannot.  In verse 10 it says, “He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him.”  Think about it, even today, there are people putting up lights and playing Christmas songs but they do not know why; they still do not recognize Him.  How can we help those around us see Jesus?  Doesn’t your heart go out to them?  This is a time when families will gather together.  Most every family has at least one non-believer. Maybe this will be the year YOU can be the light that turns away their darkness.  Maybe your testimony as to why you celebrate the birth of Christ will be the one that wins them over (remember, you are the plan).  I met with Bucky on Wednesday afternoon.  One reason was because I have certain family members I want dearly to come to know Christ.  Bucky suggested I share why I celebrate Christmas.   I pray this will be the time.  I also know I cannot force any truth on them; remember; grace opens the door to truth.  It is God’s timing, not mine.  I must give up control and place my faith and trust in Him in every aspect of my life. 

Patrick gave a great analogy on Wednesday comparing our salvation to a boy opening a present.  I encourage you to ask him about it.  Patrick, maybe you could record it for Uberlumen.  There was one other thing Patrick said that wowed me; “can you imagine going through today, just today, without forgiveness?”  Wow, incredible, huh?  Thank you, Patrick.

Since it is Christmas, I know what you can get yourself.  If you don’t already have one, get yourself a mentor.  Start the New Year by meeting with someone who knows more than you and absorb it like a sponge.  If you aren’t sure who can be your mentor, ask Bucky or any one of the elders.  They will be glad to help or suggest someone for you.

Have a blessed time celebrating the birth of Christ.

 

In His Service,
Dave
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Why do I date other men?

Laughter is often the first response when I share with others that I “date” other men, but they soon realize that I am serious.  I have developed deep, intimate, tell all relationships with several men in my life, and it has transformed my marriage, my parenting, and my life.  It is a fundamental piece of being fully alive.

How do you do this?

1. First: Finding the right man for you.  What does this future confidant look like? 

a. CHEMISTRY: We all know that there are certain people that we have ‘chemistry’ with.  There are some guys that you know that you really enjoy their company, and their personalities mesh with yours.  How do you find them? You have to get involved! Go to men’s group!

b. VOLUNTERABILITY: It takes stepping out–moving beyond your comfort zone and removing your mask.  This is the toughest step.  It will take time to break down the walls that we as men construct to keep everyone away.  You have to start with small forays into sharing a little carve out of your struggles and pains to see how it goes.  If you find the right guy, he will respond in kind, and you both will continue to grow deeper in your friendship.

c. TRUST: You have to set up a wall around your relationship with this guy.  Once you establish that this may be the right guy, and you have started the process of volunterability.  You will need at some point to establish boundaries to protect your ‘secrets’.  This is a verbal agreement to keep what you each share confidential.

2. Second: What do you do with the right guy?

a. TIME: You have to carve out the time to meet.  It is essential that you have an agreement to meet weekly or biweekly.  I have also developed a habit of calling (yes often daily) to check in and catch up when I can’t meet that week or so.

b. TALK: What usually happens when you have the time to meet or talk on the phone? Men talk about…..NOTHING! The weather, sports, etc.  STOP! I need to intentially STOP, and get on subject.  This is key because I STILL do this with my confidants! I find that we have burned through the time we have together by talking about nothing substantial.  Don’t get me wrong, these topics are fun and important commaradirie…BUT it is just what they say it is: SMALL talk.  The BIG talk must be done, and it can be hard work.  Ask and Listen.  How is your marriage going? What was the last fight about with your bride? How are each of your kids? How are you doing with your struggles? etc.

3. Third: Why?

Deep, intimate fellowship with a brother WILL transform your life! It will make you a better husband, father, friend, co-worker, and ‘little’ Christ.

A friend sent me a link to an entry on his blog that describes the importance and power of joining a group of men: “Some Honest Men”  

Try it! And let us know your thoughts.

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Men’s Topic #9: Thankfulness

“If anyone would tell you the shortest, surest way to all happiness and all perfection, he must tell you to make a rule to yourself to thank and praise God for everything that happens to you…it is certain that whatever seeming calamity happens to you, if you thank and praise God for it you turn it into a blessing…it heals and turns all that it touches into happiness….every day….be made a day of thanksgiving…”-William Law

 

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.”~Thornton Wilder

“The Pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts.  No Americans have been more impoverished than these who, nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving.”~H.U. Westermayer

Thankfulness is a state of our hearts.  Practicing the state of thankfulness for EVERYTHING develops in us a heart for others and for God.  Smile and embrace those around you on this day of thanks!

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Men’s Topic #8: Superhero’s

I had an ‘aha’ moment several weeks ago.  Most of the successful men that I know are superheros.  Yes men of steel.  These men are able to detach in a moment’s notice, disengage from wives and family, and ‘puff up’ and plow through any situation.

These men come from wounded back grounds.  Family of origin nightmares.  A distant father and an overbearing mother.  At least one of their parents is inevitably an alcoholic or worse.  At a VERY early age these men hide behind perfection.  When the drunk mom and the distant dad become too much, they amp up and shut off ANY emotions from the outside world and OVER achieve, over and over again.

Over and over again, I hear the same story–abandoned by dad and living with a crazy mom who must spend all her energy raising the prodigal younger brother so the eldest son emerges to save the day: captain of the football, track, AND wrestling team….and did I mention validictorian?  abandoned by a distant dad and living with a drunk mom too spent to supervise the youngest and last kid in the house so this son rises up to MVP of the water polo team, etc.  SAME story different details!

When these men grow up it is no surprise that they live Thoreau’s ‘quiet lives of desperation’ sealed off from any emotions from any chance of intimacy and deep meaningful relationships.

I was amazed by listening to the author of “The Shack” (a MUST read) who described himselft as just such a man hiding his baggage-his “shack”, as he called it, behind him while he hid his true brokenness from the world by perfectionism.

Please enjoy this presentation regarding so many men’s hidden secret: They are superhero’s.

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Men’s Topic #6: Love the one you’re with

Our topic this week was about LOVING your spouse.  In our OC world everyone is looking for more, coveting, and thinking that ‘the grass is always greener’.   If you want a GREAT marriage, you have to stop looking at the other lawns and stop and water your own grass! i.e. a GREAT marriage takes SACRIFICE and HARD WORK and COMMITTMENT to LOVE her with CHRIST’S LOVE!

Our Scripture for this week is: Ephesians 5:25-33

Here is Dave’s summary email:

I want to thank Robby for being a man of courage; it isn’t easy getting up in front of a bunch of men when you are the youngest and possibly the least experienced in the group regarding the topic you were speaking on. Robby spoke on Ephesians 5:25-33. If you haven’t read it in a while please do so. It offers great marital advice. Robby told us how he sees love – as an action word, not a feeling. Love, Robby said, is not about us but about other people. Verse 25 states, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Then, smack dab in the middle of those verses is the line, “He who loves his wife loves himself.” Wow, pretty powerful, huh?

Some things that went around the room during our discussion time were:

– Love has nothing to do with the physical and everything to do with the heart

– Jesus is our love coach

– Marriages get neglected in the name of material success

– Show love by praying with and for one another; you cannot be angry with someone if you are praying with/for them

– Know your spouse’s “love language,” whether it is gifts, affirmation, physical touch, time or service (from Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages)

– Spend some quality, uninterruptible time on the couch with your spouse when you first get home from work (“couch time”)

– Get rid of your television and your children’s cell phones

– If together, we can keep our eyes focused on Jesus rather than the imperfect human beings we are, and ask Him to love our spouse through us, we will grow closer to Him and to our spouse – as you both grow closer to Christ you grow closer to each other….

As always, please share your thoughts/comments with us!
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Why Go to Men’s Group? What is in it for me?

Join me in listening to an interview with Gene who gives a GREAT example and IMPORTANT reasons to join us at Men on the Path this coming Wednesday morning at 6:45am-8:00am.  

  • WHEN: Wednesday’s from 6:45am-8:00am
  • WHAT: We are going to be looking at the TOP 10 things men need to know
  • WHERE: North Park Community Center 

Note: it is best to enter the housing complex off of Portolla because then when you go through the gate the club house where we are meeting is straight ahead of you. When you enter at the Portola gate tell Jim, the guard there, that you are attending the Pathways meeting.
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