Tag Archives: relationships

Posted on

Intimate, Eternal Marriage

I just heard of yet another divorce at work that unraveled by infidelity.  Marriage is tough, but the studies support that if you are in trouble, the worst thing to do is divorce.  Those couples who divorce are individually statistically doomed for loneliness, depression, anxiety, etc.  The marriages on the rocks that decide to make a run at staying together often do, and these married couples when asked 5 years down the line if they are happy usually say yes.  And they are very happy that they stuck it out.

What does an intimate, eternal, beautiful marriage look like?  How is it done?

A friend of mine’s wife wrote him a special praise message on her breast cancer blog, and it is a beautiful example of love for a lifetime and beyond.

“This entry is dedicated to my wonderful husband… In the words of my mom this past week ” Te ganaste la loteria con este hombre!” translation– ” You have won the lottery with this man” Not only did he sleep in the hospital with me both nights, waking up every hr and a half when the nurses came in to check on me, he came up with my medication schedule ( which I still don’t understand) , makes sure I’m taking them as directed, brought a little picnic table in our master bedroom so we can still eat as a family since I was bedridden for several days, he wakes the kids and gets them breakfast and ready for school everyday, drives them to school, missed his mens bible study because our daughter wanted to walk to school on “Walk to school day”, works from home because I asked him to, answers the phone for me, still works his insane hrs, helps get the kids ready for bed, took our daughter to the drs for a strange bump behind her ear, only to find out she had a fever, has been taking care of our daughter and her medication schedule for the last 3 1/2 days because I can’t risk getting whatever she has, slept in her room to get her whatever she needed throughout 2 nights and coached our son’s 3 flag football games today! Oh, and he had to bathe me twice because I couldn’t lift my arms! The guy is exhausted! I gave him 2 Tylenol pm’s, sent him to sleep alone in the office and pray he gets a full night’s sleep! He has been my knight in shining armor and I love him to death! God has blessed me with this amazing man!”

YES!

Posted on

Love and Respect

Love and Respect

There is a GREAT marriage and relationship book titled: Love and
Respect. The premise of this book is simply: “…each individual
among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife
must see to it that she respects her husband.”-Ephesians 5:33

It is very interesting that the author of this letter, Paul, doesn’t
ask the wife to ‘love’ the husband. Men, in general, feel loved by
being respected. We all want to be loved. We all want to hear the
words: ‘I love you.’ But men in particular need to hear that they are
valued. Most men would prefer to hear the words: ‘You are my hero.’
Strange as this may seem, I have seen this truth played out in my own
life and in the lives of the vast majority of men.

It is important for ALL of us to feel valued, to be respected. It is
important to treat each other and our patients with R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Posted on

The Secret of Happy Couples

New research points out that happy couples do a few things well:

  • They spend a lot of time focusing on positive moments
  • They spend a lot of time focusing on keeping passion alive
  • They spend a lot of time focusing on keeping a positive attitude

These are ancient principles.  The research points out that it is not about the negative or bad times, and it is not even about how we deal with those negative or bad times.  It is ALL about looking at the good, being grateful, counting blessings, quality time, communication, and celebrating life’s positives every chance we get.

“Numerous studies show that intimate relationships, such as marriages, are the single most important source of life satisfaction. Although most couples enter these relationships with the best of intentions, many break up or stay together but languish. Yet some do stay happily married and thrive. What is their secret?

“A few clues emerge from the latest research in the nascent field of positive psychology. Founded in 1998 by psychologist Martin E. P. Seligman of the University of Pennsylvania, this discipline includes research into positive emotions, human strengths and what is meaningful in life. In the past few years positive psychology researchers have discovered that thriving couples accentuate the positive in life more than those who stay together unhappily or split do. They not only cope well during hardship but also celebrate the happy moments and work to build more bright points into their lives.

“It turns out that how couples handle good news may matter even more to their relationship than their ability to support each other under difficult circumstances. Happy pairs also individually experience a higher ratio of upbeat emotions to negative ones than people in unsuccessful liasions do. Certain tactics can boost this ratio and thus help to strengthen connections with others. Another ingredient for relationship success: cultivating passion. Learning to become devoted to your significant other in a healthy way can lead to a more satisfying union.

“Until recently, studies largely centered on how romantic partners respond to each other’s misfortunes and on how couples manage negative emotions such as jealousy and anger – an approach in line with psychology’s traditional focus on alleviating deficits. One key to successful bonds, the studies indicated, is believing that your partner will be there for you when things go wrong. Then, in 2004, psychologist Shelly L. Gable, currently at the University of California, Santa Barbara, and her colleagues found that romantic couples share positive events with each other surprisingly often, leading the scientists to surmise that a partner’s behavior also matters when things are going well.

“In a study published in 2006 Gable and her coworkers videotaped dating men and women in the laboratory while the subjects took turns discussing a positive and negative event. After each conversation, members of each pair rated how ‘responded to’ – how understood, validated and cared for – they felt by their partner. Meanwhile observers rated the responses on how active-constructive (engaged and supportive ) they were – as indicated by intense listening, positive comments and questions, and the like. Low ratings reflected a more passive, generic response such as ‘That’s nice, honey.’ Separately, the couples evaluated their commitment to and satisfaction with the relationship.

“The researchers found that when a partner proffered a supportive response to cheerful statements, the ‘responded to’ ratings were higher than they were after a sympathetic response to negative news, suggesting that how partners reply to good news may be a stronger determinant of relationship health than their reaction to unfortunate incidents. The reason for this finding, Gable surmises, may be that fixing a problem or dealing with a disappointment – though important for a relationship – may not make a couple feel joy, the currency of a happy pairing.”

Suzann Pileggi, “The Happy Couple,” Scientific American Mind, Jan/Feb 2010, pp. 34-36.

Posted on

The Power of Forgiveness: Matthew 18

I know that I am getting a nudge to post when I am reading a chapter about forgiveness and I also happen to start listening to a podcast on forgiveness. These notes are a summary of a chapter on forgiveness in “You Were Born for This” by Bruce Wilkinson (Chapter 12: The Forgiveness Key), and the podcast is a sermon done by Mike Erre.  As always, share your thoughts with us.

Forgiveness is VERY important to God and for us to embrace.

There is only ONE thing that we are called to do in the entire Lord’s Prayer:  “Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors…”-Matthew 6:12

God, as represented by the King in Matthew 18, gets angry with those He has forgiven of an payable debt refuse to forgive others of a very small debt:

“…so My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trepasses…”-Matthew 18:35 (see also Matthew 6:14-15)

What will God do to us if we don’t forgive?  He will ‘hand us over to the torturers’ (Matt 18:34).  What?! What does this mean?!  It means that God turns His people who refuse to forgive others over to the painful consequences of their own unforgiveness until the person, from their heart, forgives others their trespasses (debts).  We will torment OURSELVES until we open our hearts and forgive.

3 key points to remember:

  • Jesus: “Jesus forgave you.  You can choose to forgive others.”
  • Justice: “Vengeance belongs to God, not to you or me.”
  • Jailer: “You are your own jailer.  Your torment won’t end until you forgive.  Then it will end immediately.  You will be free. And that is what God wants for you.”

2 gifts occur when we forgive:

Posted on

To Quell or not to Quell your Emotions?

In reply to the post on emotions, we got a posted comment asking: How to quell your emotions?  Here are some thoughts….

To quell or not to quell?

To Quell:  YES! Join the crowd of men with distant non-emotive fathers from a family of origin of quellers.  This is me.  I am a queller.  I have been well trained in the art.  I even get a small whiff of emotion and I run for cover.  The problem: Quelling leads to men (and women) who don’t know what to do with their emotions.  We try to stuff them down deep, hide them, pretend they don’t exist, cover them with logic and hard work, but they are there in a very powerful way.  We hide them only to realize that they direct so many of our actions.  Even worse, the queller is prone to incredible outbursts of emotions often acting shocked, “Where did those come from?!”  Under extreme stress emotions boil over into rage and angry explosions.

The queller has been trained in the art of disconnect.  We are the superhero’s that are calm powerhouses of intellect and logic within our families of origin that are unraveling by alcohol and dysfunction.  Robotic, we move through life seemingly unphased.  Our war cry (sorry whisper):  “I don’t need people! I don’t need emotional connection!”

When in reality that is what life is ALL about: Connectedness, relationship.  Only when I was dropped to my knees by catastrophic circumstances in my own life was I finally forced to lean on my wife and others.  And it was extremely painful for me to reach out to others.

Not to Quell:

“…listening to your emotions ushers you into reality and reality is where you meet God”-Peter Scazzero, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality

This is the way of true life:  Knowing and embracing the reality of our emotions.  The key is to be aware of what I am feeling, being aware of my emotions because otherwise we let our emotions fester and smolder and control us.

How do we listen to our emotions?  How do we embrace and welcome our emotions as the window to reality?

We need to learn to get into a rhythm with our emotions.  A few ‘tricks’ can be used.  The first is called ‘tagging’.  Recognize when anger, frustration, and other emotions are starting to boil and ‘tag’ then to discuss and retrieve them at a later time.  Develop a pattern or rhythm of checking in with your spouse or close friend to discuss these ‘tagged’ emotions.  The other ‘trick’ is to recognize your emotions before they overtake you.  Recognize the situations and times when you can start to feel your emotions bubbling over and intervene at that moment.  Recognize and analyze why the situation is giving you that emotional response.  In time, this approach will allow you to acknowledge your emotions and address them in healthier ways rather than waiting until they sneak up and explode on you and those around you.

Finally, what can I do when my emotions (anger, frustration, etc) start to boil over?  Here is the challenge as Teresa Avila said, “…learn to sit in the weeds (of your emotions)…”  What is God trying to say to me through this emotion?  Why am I feeling this emotion in this situation?  What is the emotion saying about me?  Emotions are simply a guide.  Take a ‘time out’ to listen to God’s whisper, and remember that He is ALWAYS whispering to YOU that He loves and adores and DELIGHTS in YOU!

Posted on

Love Binds Doctors to their Patients in a Unique Way

Truth in the Cathedral of Medicine

Leap, Edwin MD

Dr. Leap is a member of Blue Ridge Emergency Physicians, an emergency physician at Oconee Memorial Hospital in Seneca, SC, and an op-ed columnist for the Greenville News. He welcomes comments about his observations, and readers may write to him at emn@lww.com and visit his web site and blog at www.edwinleap.com.

When this is published, we could be on our way to a new health care system. I don’t know what that will entail. Few in the government really want my opinion. That’s the way it is; we have limited power. Or do we?

Last night at work, I diagnosed a man near my age with new onset diabetes and osteomyelitis of the toe. He was terrified, and fear radiated from his face. He was afraid of diabetes, of neuropathy, of amputation.

We talked a while as I dealt with his blood glucose, then admitted him to the hospital for a surgeon to evaluate his foot and a hospitalist to control his diabetes. He thanked me for smiling and being kind. We shook hands and laughed before he went upstairs into his diabetic future. He felt better. He felt that someone cared for his situation.

Reform or not, the one thing we can do as physicians is just that. We can be competent and compassionate. We can smile and touch. We can do the right thing as long as government lets us. (Pay attention to that thought: as long as they let us. Store it away, and watch the future unfold.)

I have been told by some that government-run health care would be better than industry-driven health care. I have been told the opposite as well. Each side makes the argument that it will have greater accountability to the sick. Advocates for government suggest that we as citizens can hold them to more rigid standards, can get what we want and need more effectively through the legislative process. Those for the market believe that profit will always do a better job of driving customer satisfaction, efficiency, and lower costs, that profit and shareholder interests will make the market a better choice.

I have an idea about that. The only direct accountability any patient can ultimately exercise is between caregiver and patient. You can argue on the phone for weeks, and never speak to the right person at an insurance company. They can delay and evade for months. You can call your favorite government functionary who works behind a shield of anonymity and distance, guarded by layers of voice-prompts on telephones. None of them is accountable the way we providers are.

And so, we have power. We can do what I did with my diabetic friend. We can touch and smile. We can care. We can do the right thing as much as possible. We can show compassion, live compassion, feel compassion. We entered medicine because we genuinely cared about the sick, the dying, and the broken. Our best hope for the future of medicine is to continue to do the same, or if lost, to rediscover what was driven from our hearts.

Our proximity to the sick is an advantage no one else possesses, and in truth, that no one else desires. Our love for them is the most powerful weapon we have as we try to reform.

I don’t know what the future holds. I hope it holds continued jobs, continued freedom and choice, continued competence in medicine. I hope it involves amazing innovations and improvements in quality of life.

But whatever it holds, good or bad, I do know the way to safeguard our place in the process as physicians, nurses, and other health care providers. The solution for caregivers is, ironically, to give care! If we give care, if we give love and concern, if we give of ourselves to those suffering, we will have far more power than any government functionary or insurance company voice on the phone.

We may have our payments cut, our influence squashed, our opinions silenced. But our compassion will continue to connect us, our love will continue to rebuild the broken and to speak with a thunder no government or corporation can match.

Maybe, in the end, we can reassume control of health care. And why not? We know it better than anyone else; we know the sick better than anyone. We touch them, treat them, listen to them, and even see them leave this life. Those are powerful qualifications for leadership.

But we’ll never have control, ever again, if we give up the one velvet weapon we have, which is love for those charged to our care. For faith, hope and love abide these three, but the greatest of these is love. And it’s never more true than in the cathedral of medicine.

Posted on

Poverty, Wealth, Neglect

In this eye opening sermon, Greg Boyd points out that most of us are like the Nazi family in the movie “The Boy in the Striped Pajamas”.  We live next door to the concentration camp of poverty, but we are so indebted and deeply set into ‘the system’ that we don’t move to stop it.

Boyd also presents us with incredible data on poverty.

Posted on

MLL: Married Life Live, Personality Traits, October 23, 2009

For those who could not attend.  We had a guest speaker, Lana Bateman, who taught us about our personality traits and how to apply them to our marriages.  She has written several books that go into more detail about these traits.

She discussed in detail 4 basic personality types: Sanguine, Choleric, Phlegmatic, Melancholy.  This discussion was VERY interesting and helpful in understanding our spouses.  Obviously we are all a mixture of all 4, but most of us are a higher/predominant part of 1 or 2 of the types.  I also found a fun free personality types test.

Please share your learnings by leaving a comment below, and you can also listen to her lecture.

Finally, if you attended MLL, please fill out this survey to provide us feedback to continue to make MLL the best it can be:

Posted on

The Top 3 Things That Women Struggle With

My wife returned the other day from a Beth Moore Bible study group. They listened as Beth Moore told them of her interview results.  Beth had interviewed 400 women and asked them what are the top things that they struggled with in their lives.

As told by my wife, they were:

#1. submission.  Now when I said, “REALLY?!” My wife clarified that women struggle with not having control over their lives and having to give up control over certain things at work, parenting kids, and in marriage.  So I said, “They struggle with the same thing that men do: PRIDE.”  We ALL struggle with the fact that we LOVE control but really have very little of it, and we all LOVE ourselves and think mostly of ourselves.  Call it a struggle with submission to authority, submission to others or lack of control, but it boils down to pride.  We want to be large and in charge.

#2. balance.  This again could or should be on the men’s list as well.  We all struggle with balance.  Finding the time for what is truly important (which often is at the bottom of our to do lists): Wife, Kids, & Relationships.  Relationships are HARD work to maintain and to do right.  It is often times much easier to just go to work or tune out checking email etc. than to do the work necessary to have a deep, abiding relationship with your wife and kids.  Not to mention the struggle that most men have trying to develop truly meaningful relationships with other men.

#3. hormones.  This one my wife and I had a GREAT laugh about, but the really sad truth is that men are clueless with their OWN hormones! Yes we have hormones too.  They produce anger, jealousy, frustration, lust, etc.  I have been told that the ‘window to reality is through our emotions’.  We would be much better friends, husbands, etc. if we would embrace our emotions and learn to process them better rather than trying to stuff them down and then using a pop off valve to unleash the pressure–which often looks very ugly.  AND, of course, being more in tune with our wives emotions and hormones.

An interview of 32 Southern California women in my wife’s group came up with a different list but equally important for us to consider change :

#1. High Expectations: Denmark is the happiest place on earth. When researchers went to find out why, they found that it was because they had low expectations.  Our wealth and materialism has driven us to covet and always believe that the “grass is always greener” when we should be focused on watering our own lawns and counting our many blessings

#2. Beauty/body image:  Again interesting and sad.  Our obsession with the perfect figures has driven women mad trying to augment everything.

#3. Hormones

Posted on

Men on the Path, October 21, 2009: What does Quiet Strength Look Like?

Monte did a GREAT job discussing what quiet strength looks like.  Here are some points that we discussed:

  • The values of our culture are the opposite of the values of one with quiet strength.  Here are how the beatitudes would sound if they were written to our culture: Blessed are the popular for they will be admired.  Blessed are the consumers for they will keep us in the black.  Blessed are those with skeleton’s in their closets for they will remain hidden….
  • quiet strength is seen when we are helpless without God, when we are NOT in control, when we share our fears and ask for help instead of isolating (just recently I had another neighbor who was in the hospital for 2 days and did not mention it to his friend/neighbor, his wife appeared shocked when I said that I would have come and visited…men live isolated, lonely lives and don’t reach out!)
  • Are we afraid of success in the Kingdom of God?  What are we afraid if we followed the values seen in the Kingdom of God (i.e. the Beatitudes)?
  • Who is your Sam? When Frodo didn’t have the strength to make it up the mountain at the end of his quest, his quiet, strong friend Sam carried him on his back.  Monte shared that he had a friend when he was going through a tough time in his life who called him and said, “I will be your Sam.”  (btw-the name Samuel means God hears…hmmmm)
Posted on

Sex & Intimacy Class

My bride and I are teaching the pre-married class at Mariners again on the topic that we have been teaching on for years: Sex & Intimacy in Marriage.

All couples are welcome to join us.  It is very interactive and a fun topic to talk about.

When: 9:30am-11:30am, Saturday, October 31, 2009

Where: Live Development Building, Room 205, Mariners Church in Irvine

Posted on

I am not enough!

I am NOT enough! My eyes have FINALLY been open to this reality.  Most of us have this ‘wound’ but we just don’t know it.  I have written a brief summary of my learnings to help us all to learn from our past so that we may grow spiritually and emotionally in the future:

“Drew, can you be 1st base coach?” How hard could that be? The player’s are only 5 years old so all I had to do was point them in the direction of 2nd base, say, “great job!”, and my job was done. Or was it? My dad came up to me afterwards and said, “You know that you could have coached them more.” How many times has your mom or dad told you that you could have done a better job at something? Well at 35 years of age, my dad’s comment went on deaf ears until I mentioned it in passing to my wife. She thought his comment was significant, and comments such as those can have a lasting impact especially when you are young.  When she said this, I shared with her those times when I was young that my dad would critique one of my school projects, and he would insist that I throw it out and start all over.

More recently, I followed my father-in-law’s advice and bought a new barbeque from the exact same store and arranged the details of the delivery just as he instructed me. I proudly mentioned to him that I had left just the right amount of money on top of the old bbq so the delivery man would willingly take it away when he delivered the new bbq. When I showed off my new bbq to my father-in-law, I couldn’t get the propane tank hooked up to the bbq because my new bbq had a different attachment than my old one. My father-in-law said, “Oh, I always have the delivery man make sure and hook up the propane tank to the bbq before they leave to make sure that it works.” Finally, I recently had the pleasure of trying to pass a kidney stone. Not wanting to miss any work, I arranged to have it extracted during my vacation time. In passing, I mentioned to my retired father-in-law that I had only missed 1 day of work in 11 years. He said, “I missed 1 day of work in 30 years.” Have there been times in your life when your mom and dad have ‘zinged’ you (probably not even knowing that they had)?

Our dad’s (sometimes our mom’s) tell us over and over again as we are growing up—You are NOT enough! In so many subtle and not so subtle ways. This is the wound that so many men (and women) carry with them. It creates a fiercely critical spirit, a chip on our shoulders, and abrasive arguments when anyone tries to give us “constructive criticism”. We become our dad. It was only recently that a friend pointed this “I am not enough” wound out to me.  It was life changing to begin to process what it meant, how often I responded to my wife and others because of it, and how to learn and grow from it.

There are many practical ways that knowing about this wound has transformed my life.  In the past when I would write an article, I would immediately ask my wife to proof read the article for me.  When she would quickly use the red marker to slash and destroy what I thought was an almost perfect article, I would respond in a fury.  Now I see that I was only responding to my childhood experiences of not being enough.  My wife now knowing my wound has taken it upon herself to help heal my wound.  When I ask for her to proof read anything that I have written, she will affirm me, put it aside for at least 24 hours, and then she will slash away with her red marker.  It is amazing how quickly I become unattached to my work, and then can handle her critiques and edits much better.

My wife and I have an amazing marriage, but we have our share of arguments.  To my surprise, most of our arguments revolve around my “not enough” wound.  We argue because I feel that she has told me that “I am not enough”.  It can be simply because she told me that I loaded the dishwasher the wrong or that I should drive around the block again so my oldest son will be late to a birthday party because he does better when he is not the only kid there.  Yes, believe it or not this can set me off because I feel she is critiquing my driving and my favorite mantra that being early is one of life’s valuable secrets.

Two things have occurred since my “wound” was discovered.  Our arguments still occur, but they are much shorter and often end in laughter.  A less obvious by-product of my discovery stems from my wife’s repeated comment, “Ok already, I got it.  You are not enough.  When will it stop being about that!”  The wound is now so obvious and so prevelant that we both can laugh about it.  I have been healed enough through the process to laugh and with my wife’s encouragement to even tell myself, ‘Get over it!’

Posted on

Married Life Live!

Welcome Back! We are starting up MLL again.

The format for MLL is fun, informal, and interactive. We will eat together, and talk about how we can have better intimacy and great marriages.

Friday, October 23 from 6-9pm (Dinner and childcare provided)
6-7pm Family Dinner
7-9pm Marriage Seminar

TOPIC: “A Healthy Marriage”
Guest Speaker: Lana Bateman, Chaplin to Women of Faith & President of Phlippians Ministry

Location: Hicks Canyon Elementary School, New Multipurpose Room (3817 Viewpark, Irvine, CA 92602)

Sign-up or for more information please let us know. You can email us at uberlumen@uberlumen.com or call 949-400-5216

View Hicks Canyon Elementary School in a larger map

Posted on

Men of Pathways: Get in the Game!

Join us this Wednesday as we open God’s word and learn from Super Bowl winning Head Coach of the Indianapolis Colts, Tony Dungy, as we go on a six week journey to becoming the men that God created us to be. Come join us and connect with other men in authentic ways and find your answers to the six questions that men often deal with…..

1. What is my Game plan?

2.Where’s my security?

3. What’s my strength?

4. What’s my significance?

5. What’s success?

6. What’s my legacy?

Wed. mornings from 7-8 at the Northpark Club House (10 Meadow Valley, Irvine, 92602)

Please RSVP so I can have a study book ready for you.

Blessings Bucky

http://store.grouppublishing.com/OA_HTML/jtfdload.jsp?fileid=5802180&appName=IBE

Posted on

Global Media Outreach

The Great Commission ends Matthew’s Gospel with the call to reach the world with the Good News of Christ’s love for the world.  Never in history have we ever conceived of a time when we could reach EVERY person with this message….until NOW.  Global Media Outreach (a subsidiary of Campus Crusade for Christ) has developed a method to reach EVERY person with the Good News not just once but multiple times by 2020.
Their method: A myriad websites sharing the Good News message.  2 million people each day search the Internet for spiritual answers, and Global Media Outreach is there to help them answer their questions and tell them the Good News.
Their results are staggering:
EVERY DAY:
16,000 people indicate they have prayed to receive Jesus as Savior and Lord or recommitted their lives to Him
3,000 people are requesting discipleship follow-up
OVERALL:
Over 3 million have indicated that they prayed to receive Jesus as Savior or recommitted themselves to Him
669,443 have requested follow up
Your role:
You can sign up to be an online volunteer! I just did, and I received my first email from someone in the Czech Republic  who just recommitted his life to Christ.  You can interact via email with these new believers to help them on their new journey of faith with online resources and guidance.  It is AMAZING!
Giving:  For those who wish to give financially, here is how the money can impact–if you or your church gives 10,000$=100,000 people will hear the Gospel message; 15,000 people will make decisions to become Christians; 3,000 people will ask for follow-up=WOW!
Questions?
Posted on

The ZERO Club: open, honest, transparency

I continue to ‘preach’ the importance of transparency/honesty in our relationships to our wives.  This is NOT easy.  when I finally shared my last ‘skeleton in my closet’ with my wife, it was a very long stressful discussion, but it transformed our marriage.  Over the years, very few men (and women) have taken our advise to open up the closets of our past to our spouse (and to your closet friends) (note: it is not necessary and can be harmful and too painful to share all specific details of the ‘skeletons’ in the closets of our past-keep it general.)

Yesterday I got an email from a friend who shared that he opened his final ‘skeleton’ with his wife and it was incredible for him and his relationship with his wife.

It is my hope that more and more of us can experience the freedom, forgiveness, and intimacy that open, honest, transparency provides.  

Let me know if you need any guidance/help in becoming a member of the “ZERO club”

Here is what he shared with me:

“The ZERO club…

zero closets…
zero secrets…
zero instances of lost self-control…
zero self gratification…
zero prolonged non-appropriate fantasies…
side effects:
Honor for spouse/partner
diminish/remove impure motivations
remove impure thoughts
remove guilt, shame
heighten intimacy with spouse
increased trust/openness with spouse
more effective witness for Christ
heightened spiritual awareness
victory over Satan/realization that God is in control
improved relationships/outlook towards opposite sex
Here’s to obedience!  GLORY!”
Posted on

Men’s Group: Fellowship from Calvary Road, May 13, 2009

The progression of the chapters in Calvary Road is significant.  We started with brokenness, then went to confession/cleaning our lives (cups) up so we can fill them with the Holy Spirit, and now we turn to fellowship.

Years ago I kept secrets from my wife, and one day I finally ‘confessed’ and ‘cleaned’ out ALL the skeletons in my closet (cup).  It was a scary, crazy, and bold move that kept us up talking until 3am.  I was scared of her not forgiving me and not understanding me.  She did both.

Shortly after my cup was clean 2 things happened.  My marriage went from great to amazing.  The comfort in KNOWING that there was nothing to hide freed us up to have a depth and peace and intimacy that I would have never dreamed of.  

The second thing that happened is that I learned to share my dirty cup with other men.  I found several men who were willing and that I felt save enough with to share my deepest fears and struggles.  I talk and meet with these men weekly.  This has transformed my relationship with my wife, with Christ, and with everyone around me.  A very large weight has been lifted from my soul, and I have a place to run and hide when things get overwhelming.

Hession in chapter 3-The Way of Fellowship outlines the importance of fellowship in shaping our lives and our relationships with our spouses, our friends, and our God.

Through the years, I have continued to try and coach and encourage other men to ‘date’ each other.  There is a richness to life that is sorely lacking without this process.  But it takes men SO LONG and most NEVER are able or willing to get there.  

The only way to do it is by finding a guy that you feel comfortable with and you take a few baby steps by sharing some private struggles or sins.  See how they respond, If they respond in kind and with understanding then dig deeper and continue to share more.  As you trust more and learn to share more, you will find that your marriage is better, your walk with Christ is deeper, and your life is richer.

Any questions?

Calvary Road, Chapter 3, Fellowship quotes:

But if we have not been brought into vital fellowship with our brother, it is a proof that to that extent we have not been brought into vital fellowship with God
==========
Sin always involves us in being unreal, pretending, duplicity, window dressing, excusing ourselves and blaming others–and we can do all that as much by our silence as by saying or doing something.
==========
The only basis for real fellowship with God and man is to live out in the open with both.
==========
Spurgeon defines it in one of his sermons as “the willingness to know and be known.”
==========
We must be willing not only to know, but to be known by him for what we really are. That means we are not going to hide our inner selves from those with whom we ought to be in fellowship; we are not going to window dress and put on appearances; nor are we going to whitewash and excuse ourselves. We are going to be honest about ourselves with them. We are willing to give up our spiritual privacy, pocket our pride and risk our reputations for the sake of being open and transparent with our brethren in Christ.
==========
We have not necessarily got to tell everybody everything about ourselves. The fundamental thing is our attitude of walking in the light, rather than the act. Are we willing to be in the open with our brother–and be so in word when God tells us to?
==========
When the barriers are down and the masks are off, God has a chance of making us really one. But there is also the added joy of knowing that in such a fellowship we are “safe.”
==========
Jesus wants you to begin walking in the light with Him in a new way today. Join with one other–your Christian friend, the person you live with, your wife, your husband. Drop the mask.