Anti-Appreciative Inquiry

I have mentioned the concept of Appreciative Inquiry, the power of appreciation, and the effectiveness of positive psychology  in prior posts with plenty of supporting scientific and empiric evidence to support their efficacy.  But the sad truth is that our world is convinced that these things either don’t work or they are too hard to impliment.  These concepts are so foreign to us that they can be very hard to break old habits.

The typical Inquiry remains the dreaded yearly or quarterly employee evaluation.  This is the place where the boss critiques the employee.  We have all been ‘evaluated’, and we have all been found wanting.  Even if you receive a glowing evaluation, it takes only one ‘but’ to ruin it.  “You continue to do an amazing job, BUT you could improve in this or that…”  We are convinced that this negative feedback is essential and productive.  BUT if you are at all like me, I only hear the negative, and it burns into my heart.  I go sleepless for days stewing over my critique.  In fact, the negative causes me often to be counterproductive, frustrated, sad, depressed, discouraged, etc.
 
now in a parallel universe:
 
Your boss calls you into a room and gives you a list of sincere appreciation.  A list of blessings. A list of all the great things that you do.    Would your productivity go up? Would you work harder? Would you sleep well that night? Would you wake up excited to go to work the following day? Would you appreciate and encourage my co-workers and boss more? Would we all be more likely to smile, laugh, encourage, and bless those around us???

Now What?

What if we started to sincerely appreciate those around us? What if we took the time each day to choose someone to bless with words of affirmation? Can we all try this? I did.  WOW!  It almost brought the person to tears…it is THAT powerful.  If we all got into a rhythm of daily blessing those around us with words of encouragement, what might happen?? Please share with us your experience in trying this…

Intimate, Eternal Marriage

I just heard of yet another divorce at work that unraveled by infidelity.  Marriage is tough, but the studies support that if you are in trouble, the worst thing to do is divorce.  Those couples who divorce are individually statistically doomed for loneliness, depression, anxiety, etc.  The marriages on the rocks that decide to make a run at staying together often do, and these married couples when asked 5 years down the line if they are happy usually say yes.  And they are very happy that they stuck it out.

What does an intimate, eternal, beautiful marriage look like?  How is it done?

A friend of mine’s wife wrote him a special praise message on her breast cancer blog, and it is a beautiful example of love for a lifetime and beyond.

“This entry is dedicated to my wonderful husband… In the words of my mom this past week ” Te ganaste la loteria con este hombre!” translation– ” You have won the lottery with this man” Not only did he sleep in the hospital with me both nights, waking up every hr and a half when the nurses came in to check on me, he came up with my medication schedule ( which I still don’t understand) , makes sure I’m taking them as directed, brought a little picnic table in our master bedroom so we can still eat as a family since I was bedridden for several days, he wakes the kids and gets them breakfast and ready for school everyday, drives them to school, missed his mens bible study because our daughter wanted to walk to school on “Walk to school day”, works from home because I asked him to, answers the phone for me, still works his insane hrs, helps get the kids ready for bed, took our daughter to the drs for a strange bump behind her ear, only to find out she had a fever, has been taking care of our daughter and her medication schedule for the last 3 1/2 days because I can’t risk getting whatever she has, slept in her room to get her whatever she needed throughout 2 nights and coached our son’s 3 flag football games today! Oh, and he had to bathe me twice because I couldn’t lift my arms! The guy is exhausted! I gave him 2 Tylenol pm’s, sent him to sleep alone in the office and pray he gets a full night’s sleep! He has been my knight in shining armor and I love him to death! God has blessed me with this amazing man!”

YES!

To Save A Life

The movie: “To Save A Life” is a powerful tribute to the power of choice, friendship, and God’s crazy love for us.  It is a great reminder that life is crazy, hard, and sad, but His light can shine through us to those in need.  It reminds us to look for all those God moments, those times when we can intervene by just being there–listening, lending a hand, lending our hearts, reaching out to the sad and lonely…

Unnoticed Wonders

A poem written by my daughter-

Unnoticed Wonders

Dedicated to the small things we love, but never pay attention to

A brand new box of sharp, colorful crayons

The way the ocean feels on bare feet

A leaf’s delicate design

The taste of fresh, red apples

A puppy’s velvety ears

The smell of a new book

The wind blowing in your face

Splashing in puddles

The birds’ chirping

Roasting marshmallows

A sense of accomplishment

Laughter

Dessert

The way your hair floats around you when you’re underwater

Riding a roller coaster

Being told that you’re good at something

Catching your first fish

Swinging on a swing

Being with your friends

Dressing up

Getting a present

Doing a fun craft

Sitting by the fire

Watching lightning flash across the sky

Drinking cool lemonade on a hot July day

Imagining what it would feel like to fly

Playing an exciting game

 Staying up late

Watching a movie while eating popcorn

Jumping on the trampoline

Playing tag

Reconciliation, apartheid, stride toward freedom

I have been reading national geographic magazine for almost 20 years now, and I have never been moved to tears by any articles in the magazine until now.

In high school, I read Martin Luther King’s book: Stride Toward Freedom, and I wrote a paper based on his chapter titled: “the pilgrimage to non-violence”. It was inspiring and eye opening to me to read and write about.

25 years later, this National Geographic article has had a similar sublime effect on me.

National Geographic Magazine June 2010

Mandela’s Children

South Africa is a vibrant, multiethnic democracy striving, with mixed success, to fulfill its promise. Photojournalist James Nachtwey offers a vision of contemporary life, and Alexandra Fuller tells an intimate story about the long shadow of apartheid.

The Minister

It turns out there is no shortcut, bolt-of-inspiration way to transform a person from layman to minister in the Dutch Reformed Church of South Africa. It takes seven years of rigorous training—seven years of Deon Snyman’s youth—which made it all the more distressing when, toward the end of his studies at the University of Pretoria in 1990, Snyman realized he had all the theology a person could possibly need to function in the old South Africa but almost no skills to guide him in the country that had just released Nelson Mandela.

Snyman, who was born and raised in “a traditional Afrikaans family, in a typical Afrikaans town north of Johannesburg,” says that back then he knew no black people, had no black friends, had never even had a meaningful conversation with a black person. “The church was divided into white congregations, Coloured congregations, Indian congregations, and black congregations,” he says. He decided that the best way he could avoid waking up one morning a foreigner in his own country was to become the minister of a rural, black congregation.

On the day in February 1992 that Deon Snyman was installed as a minister in the Dutch Reformed Church in Africa—the church’s black branch—in Nongoma, in the heart of the KwaZulu homeland, his 54-year-old father stood up in front of the congregation, all of whom were Zulus, and said this: “Well, it is clear that South Africa is going to change. But I am an Afrikaner. I do not know if I have the capacity to change. Also, I am an old man. I do not know if I have the skills to change.” Then the father indicated his 26-year-old son. “So today, I give you my son. If you can teach him the rules of the new South Africa, he can teach us those rules. If you can give him the skills to live in this new country, he can show us those skills.”

In the dozen years Snyman lived among the Zulus as a minister, it became clear that the lesson he had to take back to his own people was this: “Those who supported the system of apartheid need to apologize in a way that will feel sincere. Then they need to make amends in a way that restores some of the dignity and some of the material opportunities that had been eroded under that system.” Snyman started to think about the idea of community-led restitution—the creation, he says, of such emblems of remorse as a school, a clinic, or a skills training center. “Something everyone could point to and say, Here is our symbol of true sorryness, here is a symbol of our decision to build a new way to work together. It was a very deep idea in me.”

But it would be years before Snyman’s imagination was captured by a small Afrikaans farming town in the Western Cape, a community unable to deny that the effects of apartheid had spilled on beyond 1994, when white rule ended and Nelson Mandela became the reborn nation’s first president.

The Town

Worcester is a somnolent, gingerbread town prickled with white church spires an hour and a half northeast of Cape Town. In winter, the surrounding mountains are snowcapped. In summer, heat holds like hell’s breath in the valley and melts the tarmac. The streets are wide and orderly. The houses are gabled and picturesque; lawns are cajoled into neat pockets; there are steroidal roses and trellises hanging grapevines off verandas. It’s the sort of town that makes you wish you’d worn a longer skirt and a higher collar.

In the mid-1990s the lines drawn deep in the geography and psyche of the place by apartheid were still evident, but no more so than elsewhere in the country. It is true that blacks still lived mainly in Zwelethemba township—Worcester’s undernourished twin across the Hex River—while whites still lived on the dappled streets of the town itself or on farms laid at the feet of the mountains. On the other hand, Worcester had elected its first Coloured (mixed race) mayor and its first black deputy mayor. Also, in June 1996 the Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC)—a courtlike body assembled after the abolition of apartheid—had held a hearing in the town. Victims and perpetrators of torture and abuse under apartheid had stepped forward and testified. The violent past was over, surely.

So it came as a shock when, on a sweltering Christmas Eve afternoon in 1996, two bombs ripped through a shopping area just down the street from the police station and the Dutch Reformed Church. The blasts killed four people—three of them children. Nearly 70 people were injured. All the victims were blacks and Coloureds. The first bomb to go off, around 1:20, hit Olga Macingwane in such a way that her legs swelled instantly to the size of tractor tires. Minutes later, the second bomb went off, and she was blown unconscious.

“For 13 years I never saw the person who did this to me,” Macingwane says, speaking from her sitting room in Zwelethemba on a very warm Sunday morning in late November 2009. Macingwane is a profoundly proper woman of a certain age. She is wearing a pink, ankle-length pencil skirt and matching jacket. Outside her home the township is in the midst of open-air church services, and Macingwane has to raise her voice to be heard. She gets up stiffly—it is obviously painful for her to walk—and closes the door to the yard and to the world at large. The singing reaches into her home unabated. “In my head,” she continues, as the choirs of at least three churches compete on the torrid air, “I pictured him. In my head he is a man of 50 years old, very big, with a long beard and a very severe face. That is the man who did this thing. That is the person I see in my nightmares.”

A Turning Point

South Africa’s selection to host the 2010 World Cup gave people a surge of confidence. Their nation could now be remembered for bringing the world soccer rather than apartheid. South Africa’s modern infrastructure, enviably chic airports, cosmopolitan restaurants—its public face—all support the suggestion that its tragic history is just that, history. Much of Soweto, Johannesburg’s infamous township in which apartheid-era violence visible to the foreign media occurred, is now a series of bucolic suburbs: Florida-lite architecture behind smooth lawns, sleek foreign cars in driveways. (Squatter camps encroaching, it is true.) South Africa has a burgeoning black middle class, and since 1994 the government has built almost three million houses. In Johannesburg, just across the road from a casino and an amusement park, tourists can visit the impressive Apartheid Museum.

But scratch the surface of any community, and one way or another there it is, the A-word. In May 2008 more than 60 people were killed and tens of thousands displaced in xenophobic riots targeting mainly Mozambicans and Zimbabweans. Apartheid ensured a deep mistrust of “other” and a sense of resource entitlement—based as much, if not more, on who you were as on what you did—that carries over to this day.

It is impossible to overestimate the reach and brutality of apartheid. Between 1948 and 1994, when the system was dismantled, the Afrikaans National Party applied hyper-segregation of races to every possible facet of life. “Apartheid so effectively enriched a few at the utter debasement of the majority—to say nothing of the imprisonment of so many, the exile, the disappearances, the violent deaths—that a mere end to the system could not begin to repair the damage,” Tshepo Madlingozi says. Madlingozi is a 31-year-old senior lecturer of law at the University of Pretoria and an advocacy coordinator for the Khulumani Support Group, an organization of 58,000 victims of political violence, mainly during the apartheid era. “You can say, Everybody is equal now; let’s get on with it. That suits those who benefited from the system—but it does nothing to institute restorative justice, and it can’t undo generations of habitual racism, palpable hate, or feelings of inadequacy.”

The Prisoner

Less than a month after the Worcester bombing, 19-year-old Daniel Stephanus “Stefaans” Coetzee phoned the police from his hideout on a farm in the heart of the Great Karoo highlands—a sparsely populated, semiarid region in the central west of the country—and claimed responsibility for his part in the atrocity. Coetzee addressed the police officer in charge with respectful deference: “Oom,” he called him. “Uncle.” He said he had heard that there were children among the dead, and for that reason he had no choice but to turn himself in. The boy had reserved country manners and a country person’s way of keeping himself contained, catlike.

At the time he was taken into custody, and for some years after, Coetzee was a member of nearly every extreme right-wing, white supremacist group in South Africa, including one or two so secret and obscure that not even the people in them seem capable of explaining exactly what they are: Wit Wolwe, Israel Visie, Boere Aanvals Troepe. From prison Coetzee continued to communicate with members of the Ku Klux Klan in the United States and neo-Nazi groups in Germany, encouraging them in their endeavors. He rose up the ranks of the national groups’ pseudo-military structures. As white supremacists go, Coetzee was a poster boy. In the pecking order of the Helderstroom Maximum Security Prison in Western Cape Province, however, he was pond life. “I was 19 years old and white. Everyone wanted to rape me,” Coetzee says of those first years in overcrowded general cells holding between 60 and 120 men. “I couldn’t get a bottom bunk. I couldn’t even get a top bunk. I couldn’t get any bunk at all.” Coetzee slept on the floor.

When I meet him in Pretoria Central Prison in November 2009, where he has been held for over a decade, Coetzee has just turned 32. Having not felt the sun for so long, his skin has leached gray, and although he is strikingly young looking, there is a cluster of fine lines around his eyes such as are usually seen only on a much older man. His hair is dark, very short, and downy. The leather belt he uses to hold up his prison-issue orange overalls is pulled to its last hole. It is not a surprise to learn that before his incarceration he was able to run far and fast in blistering heat with very little fuel or water. “I loved to run,” he says, as if the words might set his legs free again. “Ja, I could run.”

Coetzee and I sit facing each other, knee to knee, in a large, nondescript, yellow room designed for prison visits. Five or six windows along one wall let in a sluggish light that does nothing to enhance the greenish glow from the fluorescents. It is late morning and raining hard, and has been since early last night. As a result, it is cold, and we’re both shivering.

Coetzee tells me he was born in 1977 to a careless mother and a drunken father. He has no memory of his parents being together. At first he lived with his father in the Orange Free State (now the Free State). When he was eight or nine his father burned out. After spending time in an orphanage, Coetzee was sent to live with his mother in Upington in the Northern Cape. For the next six or seven years Coetzee fell through one crack after another and was in and out of welfare homes, until at the age of 15 or 16 he was taken under the wing of a man named Johannes van der Westhuizen. A leader in the ultraright-wing, white supremacist cult Israel Visie, van der Westhuizen was a strict vegetarian, took no drugs, drank no alcohol, and studied a Bible that had been rewritten to bolster the idea that anyone who was not white was an animal of the field. In Coetzee’s eyes, van der Westhuizen was roughly the size and age of a father.

If you were to walk more or less 300 miles northeast of Cape Town until the night sky grew so black you could see all the way back to whatever might be the beginning of time, the odds are good that you would be in the Great Karoo highlands. In the early 1800s this is where outlaws, cattle rustlers, and gunrunners hid, in the vast plains below the bruised Nuweveld Range. Even today so few people are tough or crazy enough to coax a living from this flinty, pepper-scented earth that it’s considered a perfect destination for stargazers—and those who do not wish the modern world to find them. Its remote secretiveness appealed to van der Westhuizen, a man in deep denial about the reality of post-transition South Africa, and it was on his leased farm in this redoubt that the bombing was planned.

“When I was first in prison, I asked for a Bible,” Coetzee says, explaining how he began to dismantle the hatred that had landed him on the floor of a crowded cell in a maximum-security prison. “But the Bible they gave me was not the same Bible I studied when I was with van der Westhuizen. I realized that the Bible I had been reading with him was skewed. That was the first thing.” Then Coetzee was transferred to Pretoria Central Prison, where he took classes on anger management and restorative justice. He wrote a letter to the prison authorities asking if they would allow him to apologize to the people and the families he had hurt. (They advised against it.) But although he felt remorse for what he had done, Coetzee was still a racist.

In early 2002, five years after his arrest, he was assigned to a work detail with an older prisoner, Eugene de Kock. Now in his early 60s, de Kock is serving two life sentences plus 212 years for crimes against humanity committed while he was a colonel heading the notorious secret security unit of the South African Police. (His men dubbed him “prime evil,” a name adopted by the media.) For hours at a time the two men would be together mopping floors. “Eugene was always telling me, ‘Look Stefaans, you have to stop believing you are superior just because of the color of your skin,’ ” Coetzee says. “He said, ‘Take it from me, I’ve learned the hard way.’ I told Eugene, ‘Please stop pestering me.’ But he never shut up about it. He told me that until I stopped being a racist I’d be in two prisons—one around my body, and another one around my heart.”

The Conversation

It is true that if every child from a difficult home in South Africa were to grow up and perform an act of brutality, there would be nothing and no one left in the country. As it is, there are 50 murders every day, and 140 reported rapes, although the actual number is believed to be in the hundreds. “Yes, the habit of violence is very deep in this culture,” Marjorie Jobson, national director of the Khulumani Support Group, says. “You have to remember, the children who grew up in the atmosphere of apartheid—with all the lessons of that era—those children are now adults.”

I have caught a lift with Jobson—a disarmingly mild-mannered doctor in her 50s—from Johannesburg, and we’re driving through the outskirts of Pretoria on a blameless summer afternoon in late 2009. From here, South Africa’s administrative capital seems all flowering impatience—50,000 jacarandas lend the city a mildly campy glamour, and the streets are lined with beds of agapanthus. Advertisements for the World Cup are everywhere; a high-speed-train track is being built parallel to the road.

“Everyone was exhausted by 1994. I think they just wanted apartheid to go away and the government to fix everything. But that didn’t happen,” Jobson says. “It’s up to each individual South African to participate actively in restitution. You know, the power of one. The power one person has to perpetuate our violent past, or the power one person has to contribute to a just, peaceful society.”

In this way our conversation comes back to Coetzee. Sometime in 2004 Jobson received a phone call from Eugene de Kock. Over the years de Kock has tried to help Khulumani locate people who disappeared during the struggle, describing in some detail the manner in which they vanished, mostly because he was responsible for what happened to them. De Kock told Jobson that he had become acquainted over the previous couple of years with a young man called Stefaans Coetzee. “Stefaans wanted to meet with his victims and apologize for what he had done,” she says. Jobson wasn’t opposed to being helpful. The only problem was that Coet zee had no idea who his victims were. He could give no names and—beyond the fact that three of the dead had been children—no identifying characteristics.

The Presidents

In 2005 Thabo Mbeki, in his second term as South Africa’s president, fired Jacob Zuma, the deputy president. Zuma had been implicated in a corruption scandal involving a five-billion-dollar arms deal. (Charges were dropped in April 2009.) Mbeki must have thought ridding himself of this troublesome high priest of populism was a safe bet. But it turned out to be the political kiss of death, causing a deep split within the ruling party, the African National Congress, or ANC. By the end of the year Zuma’s supporters were burning T-shirts with Mbeki’s face on them.

Zuma and Mbeki, although both longtime ANC activists, could not be more unalike. Mbeki is a Xhosa from the Eastern Cape, highly educated and emotionally remote. Zuma is a Zulu from KwaZulu-Natal with no formal education who served a decade-long sentence on Robben Island for opposing apartheid. A charismatic man of action, he has three wives and a rape allegation to his name. (He was acquitted in 2006.)

In 2007 Mbeki announced to both houses of parliament that he had authorized a special dispensation for pardon applications for politically motivated crimes that had taken place between 1994 and 1999. Mbeki’s official explanation was that he wished to finish the business of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission. Unofficially the move was seen by some as an effort to gain much needed support for the flagging president. The next year a group with a representative from each of the 15 official political parties recommended 120 prisoners for presidential pardon.

“It was an attempt to reach out politically,” Tshepo Madlingozi of the University of Pretoria says. But the process ignored something that had been at the moral, emotional, and political heart of the TRC—the victims would not be consulted before prisoners were granted amnesty. To human rights groups, this special dispensation was not about reconciliation; it was about political expediency, about closing the door and moving on. Eight organizations, including the Khulumani Support Group, filed a lawsuit, which eventually found itself at the Constitutional Court of South Africa, the highest court in the land, on November 10, 2009. By then Mbeki had resigned, and Zuma—JZ as he is popularly known—was president.

The Go-Between

On the list of political prisoners identified for possible pardon, one name jumped out at Marjorie Jobson: the man Eugene de Kock had telephoned her about from prison, Stefaans Coetzee. Meanwhile, Khulumani had reached out to the victims, including Olga Macingwane, of those on the list.

A glance through Jobson’s modest home in Grahamstown in the Eastern Cape reveals books everywhere, piled on furniture in the sitting room, in stacks on the floor, across the dining room table. “On the one hand, the Khulumani group was part of a lawsuit to ensure that the rights of victims were taken into account in this pardoning process,” Jobson says, clearing books off the kitchen table so we can eat lunch. “On the other hand, I was getting more calls all the time from Stefaans’s social worker and his minister, begging me to see if I could get him together with his victims. Not surprisingly, the victims of the Worcester bombing were skeptical. They had questions. Why does he want to meet us now? How is it going to benefit us? Is he feeling guilty now? Has he really had a change of heart?” Jobson sets a bowl of chicken noodle soup in front of me. In her distraction, she fails to eat at all. “I was interested in justice,” she continues, “but I was most interested in the process of reconciliation. It was a conundrum.” In the end Jobson appealed for help to a trusted colleague: Tshepo Madlingozi.

On the day I meet him in his law faculty office, Madlingozi is wearing black jeans, a long-sleeved, blue dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and casual leather sneakers. Our conversation is accompanied by the customary cup of tea. “Rooibos or normal?” Madlingozi had asked, offering either South Africa’s native herbal tea or ordinary black tea. Now he blows into his cup and looks at me over the rim. “We made a decision that I should go and see Coetzee and see if he was for real. I was very nervous, very skeptical. I didn’t know how I was going to react.”

A day in mid-April 2009 was set for a meeting between Madlingozi and Coetzee in the social worker’s office at Pretoria Central. “I was expecting someone in my imagination that looked very racist, you know, not this guy who walks into the office. I see a boy the same age as me. He’s somehow handsome, very diffident. He was surprised too. He was expecting to see an old, radical, militant ANC activist.”

Madlingozi shook hands with Coetzee and introduced himself. Coetzee shook Madlingozi’s hand and thanked him for coming. The two men sat for a couple of hours and talked. “Mostly about ourselves,” Madlingozi says. “What does he miss in prison? How did I become a lawyer? How did he become a prisoner? What do we hope for ourselves? What do we hope for our country?”

Madlingozi is a few months younger than Coetzee. He was born in Mangaung township, the area set aside for blacks outside Bloemfontein in the former Orange Free State—geographically not far from where Coetzee was born but a world away in terms of culture. “It was semidesolate and very violent,” he says. Madlingozi’s father was a migrant worker in the gold mines. “Migrant labor was one of the most devastating aspects of the system of apartheid,” Madlingozi says. “It destroyed families. It destroyed communities. It was a way for the apartheid government to get capitalization, but it emasculated men who couldn’t be at home to provide for their families. The fathers couldn’t pass on folklore, culture, values. For the families left behind, it meant the father came back after three months and didn’t know his place in the family. A lot of men asserted their position through violence.”

Madlingozi’s father died of a heart attack when his son was 14. “My mom and I had just relocated to a mining town to be near him. We were just becoming friends again. He had a voracious appetite for reading novels, and we read together a lot.” Madlingozi finished his schooling in Welkom, a gold-mining town laid out in the late 1940s by the Anglo American Corporation. The mines in and around the town are very deep. Each morning, brackish water is pumped from them into pans on the surface. Flocks of flamingos, Egyptian geese, and sacred ibises congregate on the pans. The air is stung with the scents of salt and bird droppings.

Madlingozi leans forward. “Meeting Stefaans has reignited my faith in the future of South Africa,” he says. “My worldview is black consciousness, and that hasn’t changed as a result of knowing Stefaans. But it has made me appreciate that even the most ardent racists—even murderers—can change and be humble. Yes, Stefaans’s intelligence, humility, acute appreciation of the consequences of his actions and the system of apartheid, as well as his appreciation that reconciliation is not merely about showing goodwill, have greatly inspired me.” Madlingozi has both hands under his chin now. “I can see how there might be people criticizing me for selling out. How can I visit this man? How can I have empathy? But this isn’t just about winning. It can’t be about winning. If we only want to win, then there will always be losers, and how is that so different from the way things were? This has always been about the big picture, about moving on together.” Then he laughs and looks at me, almost challengingly. “Mmm, it’s complicated, messy—it can be very personal and always in shades of gray. But that’s where reality is. That’s where we are. That’s what we have to work with.”

The Victim

From Worcester to Pretoria is a two-day drive—16 hours, more or less. Marjorie Jobson has arranged for Olga Ma cingwane and three other residents of Zwelethemba to rent a car and drive up for the constitutional court hearing on November 10, 2009. The four of them agree to meet Stefaans Coetzee the day before the hearing, but only on the condition that they are not doing so to forgive him. “I am not there to forgive him,” Macingwane says firmly. “I am there to face the man in my head. I want to hear what he has to say for himself. But no, I am not there to forgive him.”

Life became difficult for Olga Macingwane after the bombing, and not only for all the obvious reasons. Cadres of the ANC used the funerals for political posturing, racing disabled survivors of the attack through the streets in their wheelchairs, all the while chanting songs made popular during the struggle. Then in 2003 Macingwane’s husband died, and without his support, she could no longer afford to raise their three children. They were sent away to live with relatives. A laminated photograph of Ma cingwane’s husband reveals the exact match you would pick for Olga. He stands before a 1970s polished yellow Datsun in a three-piece suit exuding an aura of conservative reserve. The yellow car is still parked outside Macingwane’s house, dormant under a thick gray blanket.

November 9 is a hot day. Macingwane and the other three residents of Zwelethemba—including Harris Sibeko, husband of the deputy mayor at the time of the attack—walk into the social worker’s office at Pretoria Central and see Coetzee standing in the corner in his orange jumpsuit stamped with the word “prisoner.” “I was shocked,” Macingwane says later. “What I see is a boy. Not the man I have had in my mind all these years, but a boy. What is this boy doing here? How did it happen? That is what is inside my head all of a sudden.”

Macingwane asks to begin with a prayer. In the ensuing silence she gets to her knees—laboriously, because two days in a rental car have done nothing to help the pain in her legs—and begins to pray in Xhosa. She praises God for his hallowedness. She thanks God for bringing South Africa another day. She asks God to forgive her trespasses, as she will forgive others their trespasses against her. She asks God to see that his will be done in this room today. Then she takes her seat. While her colleagues mop their brows and fan themselves against the heat, Macingwane maintains her composure.

The meeting takes place in a mixture of Xhosa, Afrikaans, and English. Macingwane is mostly silent. “He must explain himself before I speak,” she says at the outset.

Coetzee does not talk about his childhood. He speaks about the planning that went into the bombing, how he was chosen for his excellent military skills, the years he has spent in prison. He asks for their questions, and the group responds. How did he learn to hate black people? How did he unlearn this hatred? How does he spend his days now? Is he sorry? And if he is so sorry, what can he give them? Coetzee admits he has nothing material to give the world except the leather belt that holds up his overalls. But, he says, God willing, if he gets out of jail, he can begin to attempt to compensate for what he has done. “There are children now in South Africa,” he says, “children without parents. They might be tempted to get into violent gangs, to follow anger instead of love.” He says, “I can show them that the first life you have to change is your own.”

When Coetzee is asked about the dreams he has for his future, he says he would like to get married. He says he will have to tell his future wife and any children he may have that he is a murderer.

Now Harris Sibeko intervenes. “Listen here, chief, you must wait until a child is old enough to understand what you are telling them, otherwise the child will hate you.” Sibeko turns to the group and asks, “Do you really think we can call this young man a murderer? What do you think is a better name for him?” Then Sibeko answers his own question. “I think you should be called a military operative. Yes, that would be better.”

The group agrees with Sibeko. Then Sibeko asks Coetzee whether he receives any visitors in jail. Coetzee replies that one former prisoner comes sometimes. Sibeko is shocked. “None of your family visit you?” Coetzee replies, “No.”

The interview goes on for two hours. Finally, Olga Macingwane gets to her feet. Unusually, she is fighting with her emotions. She says, “Stefaans, when I see you, I see my sister’s son in you, and I cannot hate you.” She extends her arms. “Come here, boy,” she says in Xhosa. Coetzee walks into her embrace. “I forgive you,” Macingwane says softly. “I have heard what you said, and I forgive you.”

The Law

On that day Daniel Stephanus Coetzee became the only one of the 120 political prisoners eligible for presidential pardon to meet with his victims. The next day, November 10, the Constitutional Court of South Africa, with four new judges appointed by President Zuma, convenes. The first order of business is to hear arguments about whether or not the president should be allowed to pardon any of the political prisoners without a hearing for their victims. Zuma’s attorney argues for unfettered pardoning powers. The attorney representing one of the prisoners also argues for such powers. But an attorney for the human rights groups urges that no political criminals be pardoned without the victims of those crimes being heard. (On February 23, 2010, the constitutional court ruled in favor of the victims.)

Present in the court are some three dozen victims of political crimes involving any number of perpetrators. Several of the victims are wearing T-shirts that read, “No reconciliation without truth, reparation, redress.” Among them is Olga Macingwane.

“I forgive him, but that does not mean I pardon him,” Macingwane tells me afterward. “We are a country of laws now. We are a country who respects the voices of all people. It is up to the laws of my country to decide whether or not to pardon Stefaans.”

For too long, separation and suspicion were mandated by South African law. Now the country’s constitution upholds the dignity and equality of all people, but its power is only as potent as the people’s willingness to live by it. On January 23, 2010—as long envisioned by minister Deon Snyman—representatives of Worcester and of Zwelethemba township gather in Worcester’s Dutch Reformed Church. Across the road in a wide, shady park lies a tiny memorial to the four people killed in the 1996 bombing. The proceedings begin with a prayer. Then Macingwane and Sibeko talk about their journey to Pretoria, their meeting with Coetzee, their forgiveness of him. Restitution is discussed—a youth center and a job-creation center are two ideas. The group agrees to invite Coetzee to a church service in Worcester if the prison authorities will allow it. The date for another meeting is set. Olga Macingwane is elected to the steering committee, which will oversee the restitution process in the months and years to come.

“When I forgave Stefaans,” Macingwane says, “that label of ‘victim’ no longer had such power for me. Physically, of course, the pain will always be there. Mentally, I have at last found some peace. I am not Olga the victim. Now I am Olga. I am Mrs. Olga Macingwane.” 

Accepting Our Belovedness

Time and time again, I have found that men have a hard time accepting love, accepting that they are beloved by God.  I urge all of us to listen to the 4 part lecture/sermons by Brennan Manning that I have posted in the past (just search for them by typing in Brennan Manning into the search area in upper right hand corner of this blog)

It is difficult to tolerate being loved because of the risk inherent in positive emotions: observations from the psychiatrist George Vaillant, who has long been the chief curator of the Harvard Study of Adult Development:

“Vaillant became a kind of godfather to the [new field of ‘positive psychology’], and a champion of its message that psychology can improve ordinary lives, not just treat disease. But in many ways, his role in the movement is as provocateur. Last October, I watched him give a lecture to [positive psychologist Martin] Seligman’s graduate students on the power of positive emotions – awe, love, compassion, gratitude, forgiveness, joy, hope, and trust (or faith). ‘The happiness books say, ‘Try happiness. You’ll like it a lot more than misery’ – which is perfectly true,’ he told them. But why, he asked, do people tell psychologists they’d cross the street to avoid someone who had given them a compliment the previous day?

“In fact, Vaillant went on, positive emotions make us more vulnerable than negative ones. One reason is that they’re future-oriented. Fear and sadness have immediate payoffs – protecting us from attack or attracting resources at times of distress. Gratitude and joy, over time, will yield better health and deeper connections – but in the short term actually put us at risk. That’s because, while negative emotions tend to be insulating, positive emotions expose us to the common elements of rejection and heartbreak.

“To illustrate his point, he told a story about one of his ‘prize’ [Harvard] Study men, a doctor and well-loved husband. ‘On his 70th birthday,’ Vaillant said, ‘when he retired from the faculty of medicine, his wife got hold of his patient list and secretly wrote to many of his longest-running patients, ‘Would you write a letter of appreciation?’ And back came 100 single-spaced, desperately loving letters – often with pictures attached. And she put them in a lovely presentation box covered with Thai silk, and gave it to him.’ Eight years later, Vaillant interviewed the man, who proudly pulled the box down from his shelf. ‘George, I don’t know what you’re going to make of this,’ the man said, as he began to cry, ‘but I’ve never read it.’ ‘It’s very hard,’ Vaillant said, ‘for most of us to tolerate being loved.’

Author: Joshua Wolf Shenk
Title: “What Makes Us Happy?”
Publisher: The Atlantic
Date: June 2009
Pages: 47-48.

Anticipatory Guidance

This is something that I don’t do enough of: ANTICIPATORY GUIDANCE.  It falls into the adage: Tell them what you are going to tell them, tell them, tell them what you told them.  One of our main roles as health care providers is to ease pain and suffering AND anxiety.  A great way to do just that is to tell your patients what they should expect while in the emergency department and beyond. This is another great article gleaned from Emergency Medical Abstracts (I have added the audio discussion from the Emergency Medical Abstracts for your listening and learning)

A PROGRAM OF ANTICIPATORY GUIDANCE FOR THE PREVENTION OF EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT VISITS FOR EAR PAIN

McWilliams, D.B., et al, Arch Ped Adol Med 162(2):151, February 2008

Let me know what you think.

Haitian Earthquake Survivors Praise God

A friend and partner of mine just shared this video he took when he was caring for Haitian’s in an orphanage converted to a hospital. The Haitian’s spontaneously errupted into praise songs to God.

Also here is a link to a powerful letter from a surgeon who just returned as part of Samaritan’s Purse…

Haitian Earthquake Survivors from Jim Keany on Vimeo.

Part #3: Burdens, Rest, and Meekness: Matthew and The Pursuit of God

Part 3  Pretense and Little Children

Tozer proceeds to share another of our burdens: Pretense.

“Then also he will get deliverance from the burden of pretense. By this I mean not hypocrisy, but the common human desire to put the best foot forward and hide from the world our real inward poverty. For sin has played many evil tricks upon us, and one has been the infusing into us a false sense of shame. There is hardly a man or woman who dares to be just what he or she is without doctoring up the impression. The fear of being found out gnaws like rodents within their hearts. The man of culture is haunted by the fear that he will some day come upon a man more cultured than himself. The learned man fears to meet a man more learned than he. The rich man sweats under the fear that his clothes or his car or his house will sometime be made to look cheap by comparison with those of another rich man. So-called `society’ runs by a motivation not higher than this, and the poorer classes on their level are little better.”

Tozer then points the solution to our pretense.  The way of the child.

“Let no one smile this off. These burdens are real, and little by little they kill the victims of this evil and unnatural way of life. And the psychology created by years of this kind of thing makes true meekness seem as unreal as a dream, as aloof as a star. To all the victims of the gnawing disease Jesus says, `Ye must become as little children.’ For little children do not compare; they receive direct enjoyment from what they have without relating it to something else or someone else. Only as they get older and sin begins to stir within their hearts do jealousy and envy appear. Then they are unable to enjoy what they have if someone else has something larger or better. At that early age does the galling burden come down upon their tender souls, and it never leaves them till Jesus sets them free.”

Johnny the Bagger

We CAN make a difference every moment, every day.  God help us to stop and listen for those moments in every day life that we can love and encourage those around us.

Johnny is a grocery store bagger who has Down syndrome. He heard from one of the grocery store people about how people can make a difference but he thought he couldn’t do anything special for the customers because he was just a bagger. But then he had an idea: ‘he decided that every night when he came home from work, he would find a ‘thought for the day’ for his next shift. It would be something positive, some reminder of how good it was to be alive, or how much people matter, or how many gifts we are surrounded by. If he couldn’tfind one, he would make one up. Every night his dad would help him enter the saying six times on a page on the computer; then Johnny would print fifty pages. He would take out a pair of scissors and carefully cut three hundred copies and sign every one. Johnny put the stack of pages next to him while he worked. Each time he finished bagging someone’s groceries, he would put his saying on top of the last bag. Then he would stop what he was doing, look the person straight in the eye, and say, ‘I’ve put a great saying in your bag. I hope it helps you have a good day. Thanks for coming here.’ A month later, the store manager found that the line at Johnny’s checkout was three times longer than anyone else’s. It went all the way down the frozen food aisle. The manager got on the loudspeaker to get more checkout lines open, but he couldn’t get any of the customers to move. They said, ‘That’s okay. We’ll wait. We want to be in Johnny’s line.’ One woman came up to him and grabbed his hand, saying, ‘I used to shop in your store once a week. Now I come in every time I go by–I want to get Johnny’s thought for the day.’ Johnny is doing more than filling bags with groceries; he is filling lives with hope.-excerpt from ‘When the game is over it all goes back in the box’ by John Ortberg

Tribute to ER Nurses

This is a great tribute and article pointing out the hard work and compassion of our ER nurses:

“I heard a guttural scream,” Rich says, “and a man was handing me his lifeless son.”

“How old?” I ask.

“Nine months. We worked on him for over an hour.”

Rich moves his chair, coughs. It’s freezing in the conference room. [Note: For privacy, nurses are mentioned only by first name.] The muffled din of the emergency room is audible through closed metal doors. It’s 7 a.m., and Rich’s 12-hour shift has just ended. “I flashed to something I heard once about how a casket doesn’t weigh very much—just enough to break a father’s heart,” he says, “and I lost it. I’m standing there, between beds one and two holding that dead baby, and I’m sobbing. I am in charge, and I’m crying.”

As an 11-year volunteer in Cedars-Sinai Medical Center’s emergency room, I’ve seen close up what ER nurses deal with. It takes rare emotional courage not to burn out when you know that every time those doors open—whether you are working triage in front, where a guy may stumble in with a heart attack, or in back, where paramedics may race in with a girl who has been knifed or shot—it’s bad news. Then there’s the physical strength required to survive 12-hour shifts with two half-hour breaks and 45 minutes for lunch. ER nurses never sit. But it’s the children—every ER nurse will tell you—who take the biggest toll.

“For a very long time,” Rich says, “I viewed it as a badge of honor—How much crap can I take? How much horror can I see and not show emotion?” He clears his throat. “But you can’t keep stuffing it down; you have to deal with the emotion.”

Rich has been a nurse for 22 years. He has a 12-year-old son. There are 98 nurses in Cedars’ ER. Their ages range from 24 to 67, and they are as different as heavy metal is to polka. What they share are guts and a desire to give. “I was an operating-room tech in the army. My CO said, ‘Nursing?’ And I thought, Maybe,” Rich says.

He is big and bulky, with soulful eyes and a wild sense of humor. When I ask why he really became a nurse, he jokes, “I liked the cute little hats, the white nylons and the sensible shoes.”

Rich was diagnosed with leukemia last year in his very own ER, when he showed a doctor some large bruises on his body. The doc ran tests while Rich was on shift and returned with the diagnosis. The story goes that he asked the doc if he could finish his shift so he wouldn’t get docked pay. After eight months off, five rounds of intravenous and oral chemo and too many bone-marrow biopsies, Rich is back working nights. I don’t know how he does it. I don’t know how any of them do it.

“It affects your soul,” Melissa says. She could be called the queen of trauma, having done 20 years in what she terms “the knife and gun club” at St. Luke’s Roosevelt Hospital in Harlem and five years in Newark, New Jersey, before coming to L.A. “Newark made New York look like kindergarten,” she says.

Hearing Melissa’s accent is like flying to N.Y. and walking into Original Ray’s. She recalls a guy “who was having a big heart attack in room nine…In the middle of his pain, he heard me, looked up and said, ‘What part of the Island are you from?’ ”

“Why nursing?” I ask.

“I had a scholarship to the American Ballet Theatre, and I was good, but I wasn’t brilliant…and my dad said, ‘You need an education—go be a nurse.’ ”

I can’t imagine Melissa in ballet shoes, but 29 years ago, she traded them for a stethoscope. We’re at Orso, across the street from Cedars, having dinner after Melissa’s 7 a.m.–to–7 p.m. shift. She’s wearing a chic black jacket over blue scrubs, but there are smudges under her eyes. “Where do you find joy in the job?” I ask.

Without blinking, she says, “Using my knowledge to participate in stopping bad things that happen to people.”

Of course, they can’t always be stopped. You can’t stop a mother’s pain when her 18-month-old drowns. “The mom was still wet,” she says, “making a puddle by room three. When she knew her baby was gone, she wailed…just melted to the floor.” She pauses. “I swaddled her in warm blankets. It was all I could do for her.”

“What do you do for you?”

“I compartmentalize,” she says, finally smiling. “And I buy very expensive shoes.” She must have a closet full of Manolos.

Shari runs to cope with the stress. She did the 2007 Boston Marathon. “I’ve also run after psych patients who escaped the ER and took off down Gracie Allen toward 3rd Street.” She works mostly as a charge nurse, overseeing patient flow. If paramedics bring you in on a gurney, you’ll see the charge nurse first. That’s who decides whether the man in room four gets kicked into the hall because the room is needed for the woman the LAFD just scooped up off the pavement.

Some ER nurses charge, but all work triage and patient care. There are approximately 15 nurses on each shift, and shifts change all day. There are 41 beds in the ER—58 if they fill the halls. Cedars is a number one trauma center—the wait can be 10 minutes or four hours. Think of all the L.A. hospitals that have closed.

Shari, who was raised on a farm in Racine, Wisconsin, has been a nurse for 21 years. The only other job she considered was a baker…and that was when she was five. “How come you didn’t do that?”

“They have to get up really early,” she says, taking a bite from her perfectly wrapped homemade sandwich. She expertly cuts her peach with a paring knife.

Shari came on at 11 a.m. and will work until 11 p.m. We’re in the cafeteria on her dinner break, but she looks like she has just showered—blond curls escaping a perfect ponytail—a Goldilocks nurse who behaves like a general. I have seen her hustle a parade of bloody, broken patients through the door with the cool calm of an air-traffic controller moving jets through a bank of thunderstorms.

Abby and Sylvia carpool from Santa Clarita. They call the drive back and forth to Cedars their “psychotherapy hour.” Abby, fast and funny, was born in the Philippines. She has been a nurse 27 years—Hoboken and then L.A. “Why nursing?” I ask.

“I got into the short line,” Abby says, and she and Sylvia fall into a fit of laughter. “I’m Chinese, and when you’re Chinese, you’re supposed to study math—go into accounting, banking. So I went with my girlfriends to apply to school. All of the lines were really long, but there was this one short line, so I got into that one.”

“It was the premed, premed tech and nursing line,” Sylvia adds, smiling widely.

“I passed the test,” Abby says, “and I said to my friends, ‘Nursing?! My mom is going to kill me.’ ”

The ER can bring out the worst in people—not just the patients but the people bringing in the patients. Week after week, I see fear breed anger and despicable manners. I ask Abby how she deals with that. “You can’t take it personally,” she says. “You have to get over it and move on.”

“What’s the joy in this job?” I ask Sylvia, who has three children and has been a Cedars nurse for 19 years—not long enough to dim her radiant smile.

“You get to help people,” she says. “You make a difference.”

The nurses remind me about the funny stuff: the toddler whose potty got stuck on her head when she tried to put it on like a hat; the four-year-old who shoved an aspirin up his nose. “Did you have a headache?” Rich asked the kid.

Some of the nurses are on their second careers. Paul, one of the calmest in the ER, was a Navy SEAL. Jerry, who could find a vein in a stone, was a fashion designer. Joe was in marketing at Anheuser Busch. “And then came 9-11,” he recalls, “and I was watching those firefighters on TV, and I just knew I had to change my life. I had to do something honorable.”

Clean-cut, in pressed scrubs and Clark Kent glasses, Joe is the one you’d want to marry your daughter. “Can you have the same compassion for a drug addict as you do for a cardiac arrest or the patient back for the third time with terminal cancer?” I ask.

“You have to. What about the guy booked on a double vehicular manslaughter, still drunk, spewing ef-yous and showing no remorse? He’d kept driving after he hit them,” Joe says, eyes narrowing. “You have to give him the same care.”

Lots of people are brought into the ER in cuffs—think of gang shootings, car wrecks, domestic violence. Bad guys get hurt just like good guys, and they’re all brought to the same ER.

Kelly wanted to be a cop. “First an actress, second a cop,” she says. Raised in Tennessee and Arkansas, she calls herself a hillbilly but looks like a movie star. She hunts, motorcycles, parachutes and has an 11-year-old son. A nurse for 10 years, she once did CPR on a woman in the ER driveway.

“I was triaging, the doors opened, and someone was yelling for help. It was the sound of the help; the hairs on the back of my neck stood up,” Kelly recalls. “Female, mid seventies, cold as a cucumber, not breathing, in the passenger seat. I pulled her down onto the cement. There wasn’t any time; her feet were still in the car.”

Flor nods. She, Kelly and I are at Du-par’s on their day off. “I did CPR on a doctor once,” she says. “We were moving him to the OR, and he went into cardiac arrest. I jumped up on the gurney, straddled him and did CPR—in the elevator. It probably didn’t look good,” she says, brown eyes wide.

Flor is a “good Catholic girl” from Manila—nuns and rosary beads to Kelly’s bikes and rifles. “My aunt was a nurse in the U.S., and when she’d come home, it was like she was a celebrity. People gathered around—they made a fiesta: We have to kill a pig,” she says, grinning. “They respected her, and I thought, I want to be like that.” She has been a nurse for 31 years. She has three kids in college and looks like she’s their age. “I’m a caregiver,” she says. “That’s what I took the oath for.”

Triage is the hardest, most ER nurses agree. It’s not just the patients’ vitals. What are the skin signs, the alertness, the level of consciousness? Sweaty, pale, faint, red? It’s not just their pain.

“Triage is the most dangerous,” Nili says.

“You use your clinical judgment to assess the patient. You can’t let anyone slip past you, and you can’t make a mistake.” Tall and impressive, if Nili walked into your room with a needle, you’d extend your arm. “Why did you go into nursing?” I ask.

“Oh,” she says shyly, “I was out of control at Cal State Northridge, and my parents said, ‘It’s either nursing school or leave home.’ ” She has been on the job for 16 years. “Not everyone can do it.”

Well, that’s for damn sure. I’ve seen Nili on the trauma team, suited up in blue plastic, waiting for the paramedics to arrive, like a solider about to take a hill. I’ve sat next to her at the radio when the LAFD calls. The silent blue lights in the corners of the ER flash and spin, and a nurse on the blue team hotfoots it to the radio room. “Cedars base, copy,” and the line crackles: “This is Rescue 41. I have a 57-year-old male, altered LOC, in moderate distress; this is Rescue 27, I have a 16-year-old female…” And on it goes.

“Every day is a crisis,” Nili says.

ER nurses don’t give long-term care. They don’t get to know you, and they don’t even know what happens to you after you leave the ER. They are a platoon of adrenaline junkies with invisible capes and angel wings, there to take care of you at your worst moments. And it never ends. “Patients are like waves of ocean hitting the beach,” Shari says. “New ones just replace the old ones.”

“If I have to cry, I cry,” Mark says. “You can’t carry it to the next shift.” Blond and lanky, he has the mischievous air of a reformed bad boy. He did 10 years as a paramedic before his 10 as a nurse, so he has seen his share. “I wanted to be that person who knew what to do, how to run a code—perfectly.” A code, even laypeople know, is when the heart stops.

Mark thinks about the process for a moment and flashes one of his rare smiles. “It can be a miracle,” he says.

“Does it scare you anymore?”

“No,” he says. “I’m either enlightened or f–ked up.”

FEED the Poor: Oxfam Hunger Banquet

Have you heard of an Oxfam Hunger Banquet?  According to a Christian brother of mine:  “Basically, you hold a “banquet” where the attendees are randomly assigned a meal based proportionate to how the entire world eats. So out of 100 people, 2 might have an amazing feast on white table cloth, 10 might have a basic meal at a table, 50 might have beans and rice on the floor with no utensils, 20 might get scraps, and the rest get nothing.  Kinda makes the “lucky” 2 choke on their lobster!”
I recently learned that 80% of the world’s population lives on 10$/day or less!  This sobering stat has not left my thoughts in weeks; it has helped me to gain a better perspective on life.  Oxfamamerica is an organization that is working to solve the hunger problem one step at a time.

The Power of Forgiveness: Matthew 18

I know that I am getting a nudge to post when I am reading a chapter about forgiveness and I also happen to start listening to a podcast on forgiveness. These notes are a summary of a chapter on forgiveness in “You Were Born for This” by Bruce Wilkinson (Chapter 12: The Forgiveness Key), and the podcast is a sermon done by Mike Erre.  As always, share your thoughts with us.

Forgiveness is VERY important to God and for us to embrace.

There is only ONE thing that we are called to do in the entire Lord’s Prayer:  “Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors…”-Matthew 6:12

God, as represented by the King in Matthew 18, gets angry with those He has forgiven of an payable debt refuse to forgive others of a very small debt:

“…so My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trepasses…”-Matthew 18:35 (see also Matthew 6:14-15)

What will God do to us if we don’t forgive?  He will ‘hand us over to the torturers’ (Matt 18:34).  What?! What does this mean?!  It means that God turns His people who refuse to forgive others over to the painful consequences of their own unforgiveness until the person, from their heart, forgives others their trespasses (debts).  We will torment OURSELVES until we open our hearts and forgive.

3 key points to remember:

  • Jesus: “Jesus forgave you.  You can choose to forgive others.”
  • Justice: “Vengeance belongs to God, not to you or me.”
  • Jailer: “You are your own jailer.  Your torment won’t end until you forgive.  Then it will end immediately.  You will be free. And that is what God wants for you.”

2 gifts occur when we forgive:

To Quell or not to Quell your Emotions?

In reply to the post on emotions, we got a posted comment asking: How to quell your emotions?  Here are some thoughts….

To quell or not to quell?

To Quell:  YES! Join the crowd of men with distant non-emotive fathers from a family of origin of quellers.  This is me.  I am a queller.  I have been well trained in the art.  I even get a small whiff of emotion and I run for cover.  The problem: Quelling leads to men (and women) who don’t know what to do with their emotions.  We try to stuff them down deep, hide them, pretend they don’t exist, cover them with logic and hard work, but they are there in a very powerful way.  We hide them only to realize that they direct so many of our actions.  Even worse, the queller is prone to incredible outbursts of emotions often acting shocked, “Where did those come from?!”  Under extreme stress emotions boil over into rage and angry explosions.

The queller has been trained in the art of disconnect.  We are the superhero’s that are calm powerhouses of intellect and logic within our families of origin that are unraveling by alcohol and dysfunction.  Robotic, we move through life seemingly unphased.  Our war cry (sorry whisper):  “I don’t need people! I don’t need emotional connection!”

When in reality that is what life is ALL about: Connectedness, relationship.  Only when I was dropped to my knees by catastrophic circumstances in my own life was I finally forced to lean on my wife and others.  And it was extremely painful for me to reach out to others.

Not to Quell:

“…listening to your emotions ushers you into reality and reality is where you meet God”-Peter Scazzero, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality

This is the way of true life:  Knowing and embracing the reality of our emotions.  The key is to be aware of what I am feeling, being aware of my emotions because otherwise we let our emotions fester and smolder and control us.

How do we listen to our emotions?  How do we embrace and welcome our emotions as the window to reality?

We need to learn to get into a rhythm with our emotions.  A few ‘tricks’ can be used.  The first is called ‘tagging’.  Recognize when anger, frustration, and other emotions are starting to boil and ‘tag’ then to discuss and retrieve them at a later time.  Develop a pattern or rhythm of checking in with your spouse or close friend to discuss these ‘tagged’ emotions.  The other ‘trick’ is to recognize your emotions before they overtake you.  Recognize the situations and times when you can start to feel your emotions bubbling over and intervene at that moment.  Recognize and analyze why the situation is giving you that emotional response.  In time, this approach will allow you to acknowledge your emotions and address them in healthier ways rather than waiting until they sneak up and explode on you and those around you.

Finally, what can I do when my emotions (anger, frustration, etc) start to boil over?  Here is the challenge as Teresa Avila said, “…learn to sit in the weeds (of your emotions)…”  What is God trying to say to me through this emotion?  Why am I feeling this emotion in this situation?  What is the emotion saying about me?  Emotions are simply a guide.  Take a ‘time out’ to listen to God’s whisper, and remember that He is ALWAYS whispering to YOU that He loves and adores and DELIGHTS in YOU!

Love Binds Doctors to their Patients in a Unique Way

Truth in the Cathedral of Medicine

Leap, Edwin MD

Dr. Leap is a member of Blue Ridge Emergency Physicians, an emergency physician at Oconee Memorial Hospital in Seneca, SC, and an op-ed columnist for the Greenville News. He welcomes comments about his observations, and readers may write to him at emn@lww.com and visit his web site and blog at www.edwinleap.com.

When this is published, we could be on our way to a new health care system. I don’t know what that will entail. Few in the government really want my opinion. That’s the way it is; we have limited power. Or do we?

Last night at work, I diagnosed a man near my age with new onset diabetes and osteomyelitis of the toe. He was terrified, and fear radiated from his face. He was afraid of diabetes, of neuropathy, of amputation.

We talked a while as I dealt with his blood glucose, then admitted him to the hospital for a surgeon to evaluate his foot and a hospitalist to control his diabetes. He thanked me for smiling and being kind. We shook hands and laughed before he went upstairs into his diabetic future. He felt better. He felt that someone cared for his situation.

Reform or not, the one thing we can do as physicians is just that. We can be competent and compassionate. We can smile and touch. We can do the right thing as long as government lets us. (Pay attention to that thought: as long as they let us. Store it away, and watch the future unfold.)

I have been told by some that government-run health care would be better than industry-driven health care. I have been told the opposite as well. Each side makes the argument that it will have greater accountability to the sick. Advocates for government suggest that we as citizens can hold them to more rigid standards, can get what we want and need more effectively through the legislative process. Those for the market believe that profit will always do a better job of driving customer satisfaction, efficiency, and lower costs, that profit and shareholder interests will make the market a better choice.

I have an idea about that. The only direct accountability any patient can ultimately exercise is between caregiver and patient. You can argue on the phone for weeks, and never speak to the right person at an insurance company. They can delay and evade for months. You can call your favorite government functionary who works behind a shield of anonymity and distance, guarded by layers of voice-prompts on telephones. None of them is accountable the way we providers are.

And so, we have power. We can do what I did with my diabetic friend. We can touch and smile. We can care. We can do the right thing as much as possible. We can show compassion, live compassion, feel compassion. We entered medicine because we genuinely cared about the sick, the dying, and the broken. Our best hope for the future of medicine is to continue to do the same, or if lost, to rediscover what was driven from our hearts.

Our proximity to the sick is an advantage no one else possesses, and in truth, that no one else desires. Our love for them is the most powerful weapon we have as we try to reform.

I don’t know what the future holds. I hope it holds continued jobs, continued freedom and choice, continued competence in medicine. I hope it involves amazing innovations and improvements in quality of life.

But whatever it holds, good or bad, I do know the way to safeguard our place in the process as physicians, nurses, and other health care providers. The solution for caregivers is, ironically, to give care! If we give care, if we give love and concern, if we give of ourselves to those suffering, we will have far more power than any government functionary or insurance company voice on the phone.

We may have our payments cut, our influence squashed, our opinions silenced. But our compassion will continue to connect us, our love will continue to rebuild the broken and to speak with a thunder no government or corporation can match.

Maybe, in the end, we can reassume control of health care. And why not? We know it better than anyone else; we know the sick better than anyone. We touch them, treat them, listen to them, and even see them leave this life. Those are powerful qualifications for leadership.

But we’ll never have control, ever again, if we give up the one velvet weapon we have, which is love for those charged to our care. For faith, hope and love abide these three, but the greatest of these is love. And it’s never more true than in the cathedral of medicine.

Part 2: Atheists claim that they are MORE moral than Christians.

I agree with the comment posted in Part 1 that these stats need to be taken with a grain of salt, and Christians probably don’t report as openly their bad behaviors.  This 3 part series of posts is pointing out that playing the hypocrite card is not entirely fair.  A KEY point and pleading would be to not look at the Christian but look at Christ.  Don’t let a Christian hypocrite get in the way of your relationship with God.

Here is another very interesting Barna poll.  This poll suggests that atheists have different moral values than Christians.

A survey of 1,600 Canadians asked them what were their beliefs about God and what moral values they considered to be “very important.” The results of the survey are shown below:

Moral Values of Theists vs. Atheists1
Moral Value Theists Atheists
Honesty 94% 89%
Kindness 88 75
Family life 88 65
Being loved 86 70
Friendship 85 74
Courtesy 81 71
Concern for others 82 63
Forgiveness 84 52
Politeness 77 65
Friendliness 79 66
Patience 72 39
Generosity 67 37

Although the differences between theists and atheists in the importance of values such as honesty, politeness, and friendliness are generally small, moral values emphasized by religious beliefs, such as Christianity, including patience, forgiveness, and generosity exhibit major differences in attitudes (30%+ differences between theists and atheists).

What really concerns me is that only half of atheists think that forgiveness is very important. Either these people have not been married or maybe married multiple times, since a lack of forgiveness in a marriage is a sure recipe for disaster. Couple that moral belief with a perception that neither patience nor generosity are very important, and it seems that the divorce rates are likely to go up significantly in the near future.

According to Professor Bibby, Grandma is the “symbolic saintly person in the clan. So valuing Grandma also means valuing many of the things important to her. In successive generations you have a lingering effect of morality. But further down the road generations get further removed from the sources of those values. That’s where it gets tricky.”2

Life Principle #2: Give Honest, Sincere Appreciation

I have been struck by the power of affirmation and appreciation.  I have also been struck by the destructive power of criticism.

Recently I tried to encourage someone to always find the good, always look for the opportunity to compliment and appreciate, and never complain or criticize.  Their response was, “But if you only knew that person, if you only knew how difficult they can be, and how much criticism they deserve.”

This response misses the point completely!  It was only when I dropped the contempt and criticisms did I start to see the gifts in the other person.  It is only when you look for the appreciation will the critical spirit in YOU fade away.

It is NOT about the other person; it is about YOU.  It is about healing YOUR image of yourself, the world around you, and others.

Our marriages and relationships would truly be transformed if we followed Carnegie’s first 2 principles always leading with this one.

“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people…the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.  There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors.  I never criticize anyone.  I believe in giving a person incentive to work.  So I am anxious to praise but loathe to find fault.  If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise… in my wide association in life, meeting with many and great people in various parts of the world… I have yet to find a person, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism.”-Charles Schwab

“Every man I meet is my superior in some way.  In that, I learned from him.”-Emerson

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Carnegie:

  • “That is what Schwab did.  What do average people do?  The exact opposite.  If they don’t like to think, they ball out their  subordinates; if they do like it, they say nothing.  As the old couplet says: “once I did bad and that I heard ever/twice I did good, but that I heard never.”-pg 38
  • “I once succumbed to the Fad of fasting and went for six days and nights without eating… I was less hungry at the end of the sixth day than I was at the end of the second.  Yet I know, as you know, people who think they had committed a crime if they let their families or employees go for six days without food; but they will let them go for six days,  six weeks, and sometimes 60 years without giving them the hearty appreciation that they crave almost as much as they crave food.”-pg 40
  • ” When Alfred Lunt, one of the great actors of his time, played the leading role in Reunion in Vienna, he said, “there is nothing I need so much as nourishment for my self-esteem.”  We nurish the bodies of our children and friends and employees but how seldom do we nurish their self-esteem?  We provide them with roast beef and potatoes to build energy, but we neglect to give them kind words of appreciation that would sing in their memories for years like the music of the morning stars.”-pg 40 one
  • “When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95% of our time thinking about ourselves.  Now [just imagine], if we [ could] stop thinking about ourselves for awhile and begin to think of the other person’s good points…”-pg 41
  • “Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips.  You’ll be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit.”-pg 42
  • “Pamela Dunham of  a New Fairfield, Connecticut, had among her responsibilities on her job the supervision of a janitor who was doing a very poor job.  The other employees would jeer at him and litter the hallways to show him what a bad job he is doing.  It was so bad, productive time was being lost in the shop.  Without success, Pam tried various ways to motivate this person.  She noticed that occasionally he did a particularly good piece of work.  She made a point to praise him for it in front of the other people.  Each day the job he did all around got better, and pretty soon he started doing all his work efficiently.  Now he does an excellent job and other people give them appreciation and recognition.  Honest appreciation got results where criticism and ridicule failed.”-pg 42
  • “Hurting people not only does not change them, it is never called for.  There is an old saying that I’ve cut out and pasted on my mirror where I cannot help but see it every day: ‘I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now.  Let me not deferring or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.'”-pg 42
  • “Let’s cease thinking of our accomplishments, our wants.  Let’s try to figure out the other person’s good points.”-pg 43