Tag Archives: marriage

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Mother’s Day Advice on Parenting

Uberlumen has been lacking parenting content.  This is a lecture from a panel of mom’s on mother’s day.  They have incredible wisdom and insights into parenting.  Here are a few points:

  • Thankfulness is the password into God’s presence
  • Our family of origin has SO MUCH influence on who we become
  • Christ can heal our family of origin wounds
  • Our marriages shape our children’s character

Please share with us your thoughts and learnings after you listen to these amazing women share their lives and parenting wisdom.

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Married Life Live, Session 2: Only Jesus can heal wounds.

Enjoy the notes and the brief audio teaching from our second Married Life Live session.
MEN’s ANSWERS:
What is your wound?
  • performance wound
  • not enough wound
  • distand dad and/or mom
  • not sensitive (family of origin-distant-did not express feelings)
  • non-emotional-grow up afraid of emotions/expression of emotions
  • self sufficient wound (can do life on own)
How does your wife help that wound?
  • acts of service
  • words of affirmation
  • touch
  • quality time
  • gifts
What role does Jesus play in your marriage?
  • put Jesus first–then marriage will follow
  • let Him rule, submit to Him otherwise it doesn’t work
  • Jesus is the glue.
  • example of forgiveness & grace
  • unconditional
  • grow closer to Him by prayer, reading Bible, fellowship
WOMEN’S ANSWERS:
What is your wound?
  • avoid conflict
  • perfection
  • inadequate
  • feeling valued/desirable
  • not loved
  • lack confidence
  • favoritism/suppressed feelings
How does your husband hurt that wound?  
  • expectation
  • criticism: this is a BIG one.  It is NEVER worth it! You WILL NOT change him/her by criticism.
  • trying to fix a problem
  • feeling not valued or under valued and undesirable
How does your husband help that wound?
  • open and share
  • healthy disagreement
  • acceptance
  • speaking truth
  • gentleness
  • support/encoragement
  • perspective
What role does Jesus play in your marriage?
  • unconditional love
  • Jesus loves us/rejoices in us
*KEY is to identify the wounds/issue because that helps to heal, recognize when they pop up, and focus on Christ to heal them.  Spouse can’t fix/heal the wound, but we can minister to the wound as Jesus heals it.
*CRITICISM:  It is NEVER worth it! You WILL NOT change him/her by criticism. My wife used to try this–ex. ‘you really should…find some friends that would be good for you etc…only when she gave up the criticism and started to pray did I start to make some of the changes that she desired.  We have to remember that criticism is painful, counter productive, and never works to change us so DON’T DO IT.  Love him/her just the way they are!
*DON’T try and fix it…it is usually the husband who wants to ‘fix’ the problem but whoever it is DON’T do it.  LISTEN and only fix if asked to.
*AFFIRM, AFFIRM, AFFIRM: in all discussions/arguments, lead with affirmation and don’t stonewall or run away…meet the problem head on by talking and listening.  A woman who stonewalls or runs from conflict with a husband who is from a stoic or non-emotional upbringing is very hurtful.  A man from such a family of origin needs empathy and support not stonewalling.
*Allow Jesus to delight in YOU!
“…the LORD takes delight in his people…”-Psalm 149:4.
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Marriage Life Live: Date Night with a Purpose, Friday, May 1

FRIDAY, MAY 1 FROM 6:30-8:30pm
Meeting location at Rod and Amy Kamps’ home (28 Montclair, Irvine, CA  92602) and children meet at the Northpark Clubhouse.

This group is for all married couples at Pathways Church. The format for MLL is fun, informal, & interactive. We will eat together, watch movie clips, and talk about how we can have better intimacy and great marriages.

We will be charging a nominal fee for food for adults and kids:$15 per couple for food and $5 per child for childcare and the kids food.

Directions to the Clubhouse: going North on Culver turn left onto Portola. Take the first left which is Gate Park. Tell the guard that you are going to the Kamps’ home and the clubhouse. As you pull through the gate, the Clubhouse building will be directly in front of you and its parking lot is to the right.

Directions to the Kamps’ home from the Clubhouse: Make a right out of the parking lot, turn right on Meadow Valley, right onto Grass Valley and right on Montclair, end at 28 Montclair.

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Married Life Live Session #1, March 6, 2009 SUMMARY

Enjoy the audio summary of our teaching and here are your answers:
Ways the women feel loved:

  • affirmation–positive comments, gratitude
  • phone calls during the day
  • listen (turn-off TV, electronics) and listen without solving the problem
  • maintain peace if ‘mom’ is feeling upset
  • no selective hearing
  • pray together
  • affection (non-sexual)–hand holding, kissing, etc.
  • committment to purity (ex. victoria secret commercial, movies-selective etc.)
  • empathy
  • relifef with kids & house chores
  • balanced parenting (teamwork)
  • listening and following through (ex. listening to a book that was mentioned and then buying it for us)
  • date night (planning it from start to finish–including setting up a babysitter)
  • respecting in-laws and boundaries with in-laws
  • family and couple time as a priority
Ways men feel respected:
  • affirm us without asking (“you are my hero.”)
  • give us grace, forgive and forget–don’t bring up the past and don’t use the past against us
  • support our passions/hobbies & learn to enjoy our activities
  • understand our stress
  • speak with softer tones in your voice and without nagging
  • speak highly of us with your friends
  • trust our decisions
  • allign and stand behind us when we are parenting our kids
  • give us down time…respect our space
  • (am I forgetting anything?) the men did mention that the top 3 ways that they feel respect is: #1 SEX. #2 SEX. #3 SEX.

Please share with us your comments & feedback.

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Married Life Live (MLL), Friday, March 6

Friday, March 6 from 6:30pm-8:30pm

The format for MLL is fun, informal, & interactive. We will eat together, watch movie clips, & talk about how we want to be heard & loved, & how we can have better intimacy & great marriages.

Dinner & Childcare Provided
Couples Meeting @ Matt & Susan Ingalls
(15 Paso Robles, Irvine, CA 92602)

Children Meeting @ Northpark Clubhouse
(10 Meadow Valley, Irvine, CA 92602)                              
*Children will eat together at the Clubhouse

Directions to Northpark Clubhouse:
Going North on Culver turn left onto Portola. Take the first left which is Gate Park. Tell the Guard that you are going to the Ingalls’ home and the Clubhouse. As you pull through the gate, the Clubhouse building will be directly in front of you and its parking lot is to the right.

To sign-up or for more information on MLL contact: Drew & Brooke Lawson
949.400.5216 or alawsonmd@gmail.com


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Start the New Year with a Resolution: A Daily Devotional

Now is the time to start a yearly devotional.  It is imperative to our walk with Christ to be in a devotional daily. The secret to the best devotionals? Reading the Bible (And if you do this every year, one way to motivate you to keep going is to read through the Bible in a different translation than one that you usually read e.g. New Living Translation, New American Standard, God’s Word, to name a few):

1. The Discipleship Journal has several options (I am doing this one this year) AND I am using a different Bible translation: Holman Christian Standard Bible AND I am reading the Bible using The Apologetics Study Bible which is excellent for those with a lot of questions.

2. A One Year Bible is a great way to go

A few GREAT options for those who want to do a daily devotion but not read through the Bible:

1. The One Year Book of Church History (I just finished this one, and it was AMAZING! I HIGHLY recommend it.)

2. Promises by Bill Bright (I did this one years ago. It is excellent, but I think it is out of print.)

3. Our Daily Bread: You can download it to your PDA, read it online, or order a paper copy. (I have done this one for years, and it is simple, concise and FREE! They will send you a free copy FOREVER–even tracked me down when I moved across the country!)

4. The One Year Book of Bible Prayer is another great option.

5. walkthru.org has a eDevotion that is sent to you via email, and they have some GREAT paper devotionals

(Their Daily Walk will walk you through the Bible in a year, and their Closer Walk will walk you through the New Testament in a year–both are excellent.)

Finally there are some GREAT audio options:

1.  The Bible Experience (you can buy on itunes via audiobooks or at their website)  I have bought the book of John and the Psalms and listened through it.  They are VERY good. 

2. The Bible Podcast is a FREE audio version of the Bible that is also excellent.

It doesn’t matter what you do as much as doing SOME form of daily devotion.  Ideally you are reading the Bible daily.

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Men’s Topic #12: The Christmas Story

Hello Everyone,

Before I forget, last Wednesday, was our final meeting of the year; our next meeting will be on Wednesday, January 7, 2009. 

Bucky gave us the alternative Christmas story and Drew challenged us to read it this year rather than the one from Luke.   That “story” is the Gospel of John, chapter 1, verses 1-14.  I personally never looked at these verses in this way before.  Take a few minutes to read the material, then answer the first question we had; what is unique about the way John tells the Christmas story? 

 

I learn so much through Bucky’s teaching and our sharing time it is difficult for me to write about one or two things we covered.  I want to write about all of them; but I cannot.  In verse 10 it says, “He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him.”  Think about it, even today, there are people putting up lights and playing Christmas songs but they do not know why; they still do not recognize Him.  How can we help those around us see Jesus?  Doesn’t your heart go out to them?  This is a time when families will gather together.  Most every family has at least one non-believer. Maybe this will be the year YOU can be the light that turns away their darkness.  Maybe your testimony as to why you celebrate the birth of Christ will be the one that wins them over (remember, you are the plan).  I met with Bucky on Wednesday afternoon.  One reason was because I have certain family members I want dearly to come to know Christ.  Bucky suggested I share why I celebrate Christmas.   I pray this will be the time.  I also know I cannot force any truth on them; remember; grace opens the door to truth.  It is God’s timing, not mine.  I must give up control and place my faith and trust in Him in every aspect of my life. 

Patrick gave a great analogy on Wednesday comparing our salvation to a boy opening a present.  I encourage you to ask him about it.  Patrick, maybe you could record it for Uberlumen.  There was one other thing Patrick said that wowed me; “can you imagine going through today, just today, without forgiveness?”  Wow, incredible, huh?  Thank you, Patrick.

Since it is Christmas, I know what you can get yourself.  If you don’t already have one, get yourself a mentor.  Start the New Year by meeting with someone who knows more than you and absorb it like a sponge.  If you aren’t sure who can be your mentor, ask Bucky or any one of the elders.  They will be glad to help or suggest someone for you.

Have a blessed time celebrating the birth of Christ.

 

In His Service,
Dave
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Love Languages

We all hear and feel LOVED in different ways.  In his landmark book: The 5 LOVE Languages, Gary Chapman explains that there are 5 main ways that we hear and/or feel LOVED.  If we can take the time to learn our LOVE language (the language that makes us feel LOVED), and learn our spouse, family members, neighbor, and patients LOVE languages, we can ‘speak’ to them in THEIR LOVE language.  This is VERY important because we often can only feel or hear LOVE when people speak to us in the LOVE language that we can hear or feel.  If your spouse’s LOVE language is QUALITY TIME, then you can do the dishes and clean the house for the REST of your life, and he or she may NEVER feel LOVED! Strange but VERY true.  So STOP spinning your wheels and learn that her or his LOVE language is QUALITY TIME and see how it transforms your relationship by simply spending TIME with her or him!  Yes, it can be that easy.

The 5 love languages are:

QUALITY TIME

GIFTS

ACTS OF SERVICE

PHYSICAL TOUCH

WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

What is your love language? What is your spouses? What are your kids? Take this quiz and find out and begin to grow deeper and more fulfilling relationships!

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Men’s Topic #10: Intimacy is BETTER than Sex

We had a GREAT time today listening and learning how to be a Christ like lover to our wives.  We are called to love her–sacrafically and unconditionally–as Christ loved us.  We discussed love languages, knowing your family of origin baggage allows healing and enlightenment into present struggles, and Drew’s ‘top 10’ marriage tips. Here is the outline and discussion questions.

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Men’s Topic #9: Thankfulness

“If anyone would tell you the shortest, surest way to all happiness and all perfection, he must tell you to make a rule to yourself to thank and praise God for everything that happens to you…it is certain that whatever seeming calamity happens to you, if you thank and praise God for it you turn it into a blessing…it heals and turns all that it touches into happiness….every day….be made a day of thanksgiving…”-William Law

 

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.”~Thornton Wilder

“The Pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts.  No Americans have been more impoverished than these who, nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving.”~H.U. Westermayer

Thankfulness is a state of our hearts.  Practicing the state of thankfulness for EVERYTHING develops in us a heart for others and for God.  Smile and embrace those around you on this day of thanks!

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Men’s Topic #8: Superhero’s

I had an ‘aha’ moment several weeks ago.  Most of the successful men that I know are superheros.  Yes men of steel.  These men are able to detach in a moment’s notice, disengage from wives and family, and ‘puff up’ and plow through any situation.

These men come from wounded back grounds.  Family of origin nightmares.  A distant father and an overbearing mother.  At least one of their parents is inevitably an alcoholic or worse.  At a VERY early age these men hide behind perfection.  When the drunk mom and the distant dad become too much, they amp up and shut off ANY emotions from the outside world and OVER achieve, over and over again.

Over and over again, I hear the same story–abandoned by dad and living with a crazy mom who must spend all her energy raising the prodigal younger brother so the eldest son emerges to save the day: captain of the football, track, AND wrestling team….and did I mention validictorian?  abandoned by a distant dad and living with a drunk mom too spent to supervise the youngest and last kid in the house so this son rises up to MVP of the water polo team, etc.  SAME story different details!

When these men grow up it is no surprise that they live Thoreau’s ‘quiet lives of desperation’ sealed off from any emotions from any chance of intimacy and deep meaningful relationships.

I was amazed by listening to the author of “The Shack” (a MUST read) who described himselft as just such a man hiding his baggage-his “shack”, as he called it, behind him while he hid his true brokenness from the world by perfectionism.

Please enjoy this presentation regarding so many men’s hidden secret: They are superhero’s.

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Men’s Topic #6: Love the one you’re with

Our topic this week was about LOVING your spouse.  In our OC world everyone is looking for more, coveting, and thinking that ‘the grass is always greener’.   If you want a GREAT marriage, you have to stop looking at the other lawns and stop and water your own grass! i.e. a GREAT marriage takes SACRIFICE and HARD WORK and COMMITTMENT to LOVE her with CHRIST’S LOVE!

Our Scripture for this week is: Ephesians 5:25-33

Here is Dave’s summary email:

I want to thank Robby for being a man of courage; it isn’t easy getting up in front of a bunch of men when you are the youngest and possibly the least experienced in the group regarding the topic you were speaking on. Robby spoke on Ephesians 5:25-33. If you haven’t read it in a while please do so. It offers great marital advice. Robby told us how he sees love – as an action word, not a feeling. Love, Robby said, is not about us but about other people. Verse 25 states, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Then, smack dab in the middle of those verses is the line, “He who loves his wife loves himself.” Wow, pretty powerful, huh?

Some things that went around the room during our discussion time were:

– Love has nothing to do with the physical and everything to do with the heart

– Jesus is our love coach

– Marriages get neglected in the name of material success

– Show love by praying with and for one another; you cannot be angry with someone if you are praying with/for them

– Know your spouse’s “love language,” whether it is gifts, affirmation, physical touch, time or service (from Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages)

– Spend some quality, uninterruptible time on the couch with your spouse when you first get home from work (“couch time”)

– Get rid of your television and your children’s cell phones

– If together, we can keep our eyes focused on Jesus rather than the imperfect human beings we are, and ask Him to love our spouse through us, we will grow closer to Him and to our spouse – as you both grow closer to Christ you grow closer to each other….

As always, please share your thoughts/comments with us!
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MARRIAGE TIPS & RESOURCES

Marriage is hard work, but it is worth the effort.

If you are having a hard time with your marriage:

1. Don’t give up! Studies show that divorce can be truly devastating to you, your spouse, and especially your kids.1 2

2. Get professional help!  Don’t try and work through your issues on

your own. Read these books, go to marriage retreats, and get into

consistent marriage counseling.

3. Set down healthy patterns! Find or read about good patterns and then follow them.

 

RESOURCES:

MARRIAGE TOP 10 ‘TIPS’

 

BOOKS TO READ:

1. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

2. His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Hartley

3. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman

4. Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires,The Respect He Desperately Needsby Emerson Eggerichs

5. Night Light: A Devotional for Couples by the Dobson’s

 

As always, PLEASE share with us your insights and comments below.

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Men’s Topic #4: Servanthood

Please enjoy this audio of Bucky’s teaching about servanthood and here is Dave’s summary:

Please take a few minutes and re-read John 13.  Then use your remaining time to reflect on what we learned from each other today:

  1. Verse 1 says, “…he showed them the full extent of his love.”  Love always gives itself away for the benefit of another. 
  2. You must receive service (from God and others) before you can serve others.  You cannot give what you have not received.  Bucky gave us a few great personal examples that would take up too much space here (if you’d like to know ask Bucky or someone that attended on Wednesday).  God serves us by His grace in allowing us to enter into a relationship with Him now, as we are.  We must spend time with God to further that relationship. No relationship lasts if time isn’t spent with the other person in the relationship.  God is no different – if we want to know Him better, we must make time for Him. 
  3. As usual, Jesus led by example.  He did not ask His disciples to do anything He hadn’t already done.  And, of course, it was done in complete humility. Humility is the absence of pride. 

Can you see the correlation between our teacher and the disciples’ Teacher? Bucky leads by personal example with humility.  That is why we all love and respect Bucky.  He is transparent; he is not afraid to make his life an open book.  We don’t see Bucky as “Super Pastor,” but as one of us.   Well, Jesus desires that same love and respect from us.  It just takes time guys; are you ready to give it?

Share what you learned this week with a friend, co-worker, neighbor or family member.  When they see you lead with humility they will want what you have.

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Vital Signs of Healing: VALUE-Are You Enough? Lecture

Please enjoy a brief lecture on the Vital Signs of Healing: VALUE asking the age old question are you enough?

There are 4 books that I mention during this lecture:

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

The Bible

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Vital Signs of Healing: VALUE-Are You Enough? Q&A

This is the GREAT discussion time that we had concerning VALUE.  Join us! Share with us YOUR answers and please leave us a comment below.

The Vital Signs of Healing: VALUE handout: vital signs of healing: value

Here is a brief list of YOUR answers to this VITAL question:

What are some ways that we can show our patients that we think that they have value or that we think that they are ‘enough’?

  • put yourself at their level
  • eye contact
  • show kindness and help out even when it is not your patient
  • do a little extra if you see a need
  • getting to know them beyond their chief complaint
  • communicate consistency between the doctor and the nurse
  • not about you
PLEASE share with us YOUR answers by posting a comment below. THANKS for joining us!
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Vital Signs of Healing: VALUE-Are You Enough? Introduction

Enjoy this brief audio introduction to the curriculum entitled: Vital Signs of Healing.  There are 4 physical vital signs and 4 Vital Signs of Healing: Love, Value, Virtue, and Healing.  This is an introduction to a lecture about the Vital Sign: VALUE.  We had this picture up on the screen for part of our discussions:

Who do YOU most relate to in this picture? And why? Please leave us your insights by adding a comment below.

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Men’s Topic #2: Are you enough?

Topic #2 is based on the story of the prodigal son from Luke 15.  This brief audio is about a LIFE CHANGING concept that will improve your marriage and relationships.  We are all walking around with the ‘I am not enough’ wound that society and our parents have given us.  This wound can only truly be healed by God, but our wives/s.o./friends can help heal this wound.  Please add your thoughts, questions, and comments below this post!